Quote: It sounds like some sort of cruel game to me.
It does sound like a game, but I doubt that it is. I don't think there are mental calculations adding up and trying to determine what's the minimum I can do.
Her discomfort level just rose as a result of something clicking deep in SM's gut that has now begun to permeate their relationship. She's unconsciously used to SM being >here< at this place, taking this position in their relationship.
And he's not there anymore. So, there's this gentle sucking sound of a black hole that's pulling on their interactions now.
Harriet Lerner calls it over-functioning, under-functioning. Here's a quote (written toward women, but not gender limited):
"The underfunctioning-overfunctioning pattern is a familar one in couples. How does it work? Research in marital systems has demonstrated that when men and women pair up, and stay paired up, they are usually at the same level of "independence," or emotional maturity. Like a seesaw, it is the underfunctioning of the individual that allows for the overfunctioning of the other. (Emphasis in the original.)
SM just stopped overfunctioning, and SM's wife just noticed.
This is something I've tried to describe about our situation. When NOP reached the "something's gotta be done" stage, he stepped further back. And everytime I went to look for him, there was this very serious, determined guy looking back at me, letting me know that things were not going to continue has they had been.
So, I don't think she's playing a game. I think she's aware that there has been a shift and that shift in the relationship has thrown her off-balance. She's trying to get it balanced again.
