Well here I am again at 3am just as I was when I first posted here 18 months ago, unable to sleep and in turmoil. I decided that I would use this Friday night to try to get our R to move up a gear by suggesting she contribute a little to the LM. I said something along the lines that the only reason I was prepared to accept for her not contributing was if she doesn't love me because if she truely did love me it would surely not be a big problem. We had a long and quite calm conversation and she told me that although she loves me as a member of her family she just doesn't have it in her to kiss me or touch me. There's nothing she can do about it, all she feels is "Pressure". When I look at it rationally the once-a-week "Just Do It" has not built up love and confidence as I had hoped. It is the same unrewarding mercy sex, just more often than before. After a couple of hours of sleepless thought I have decided to back right off and try to quash my feelings for her. It is our 25th year of marriage and I think it will be time to call it a day after that. For the last few months I have been working 200 miles away from home two days a week renovating a house I have inherited. I really enjoy it and am building a life there that is challenging and fun. I am right in the middle of a lively town and go out to a pub in the evenings where I have made some new friends. I will spend more time there possibly a couple of weeks at a time and see how it goes. I just can't face another 25 years unloved. SD
What a heart felt post. I am so sorry that you are were you find yourself. Maybe a little time away/spending additional time away would be good for both of you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder they say. I do not know much about your sitch. But it sounds like you have been working on it for quite some time. I am sorry all your effort did not lead you to were you wanted to be.
I hope tomorrow finds you in a better place Chrissy
Thanks Chrissy, I appreciate it. I am quite well known to many on this forum and am generally thought to have been a "Success" whatever that is. My sitch goes right back to my wedding night nearly 25 years ago when I realised I had married someone who did not love me. I remember lying in the bridal suite bed thinking "What have I done". We had an argument about my pajamas and did not consumate our marriage until the third night - and even that was after a lot of "Pressure" from me. It set the scene for the following years - no obvious signs of love from her and mercy sex every few months. Since I joined this board early last year I put a lot of work into changing myself and my attitude and things seemed to be improving but it was all in my head really. She was going through the motions to keep me quiet and last night after I put her under a little bit of the dreaded "Pressure" she just claimed that she has a right to live the [celibate] way she wants to live. I'm tired of giving everything I've got and getting pushed away - that just isn't how a loving relationship should be in my book. She seems to think it is perfectly reasonable to live as platonic companions. SD
My heart goes out to you, D. And I admire you for giving it your all and then facing the reality that there is no cheese down that path.
Sounds like your sitch of working on the house elsewhere should make for a more tolerable transition than would otherwise be possible.
Sometimes it's so hard to admit that the person who wants to work on the marriage is also keeping the other one prisoner. To stay with someone and keep applying pressure to make the marriage better when they frankly aren't interested in doing the work or considering changing-- the initiator isn't doing the other person that much of a favor. Not every marriage needs to be saved.
I don't think there's one single instance on this board of a LD person who is truly LD (and not simply blocked by anger, past abuse issues, etc.) changing. We have an LD person who has made the conscious decision to behave in a sexual way in order to express love to her spouse, but affirms that she is still LD-- and I believe she is the only instance of that.
There are some people who had good sexual vibes in the beginning and that has changed for different reasons. I'm not talking about them.
I'm talking about a sitch where from Day One it was clear that the sexual vibes were not there, or it was questionable whether they were there-- in those cases, as described by the posters here, the vibes have not materialized after 3-5-10-20 or more years. Or there may be a change for a while, but as soon as the H-er D partner stops applying pressure, the sitch returns to the status quo. This is not encouraging, but it is realistic.
In my case, when my bf hugged me at the end of our first date, a teeny red flag went up-- there was no feeling, no energy in that hug. I'm not saying I should have kicked him to the curb right then and there... but I should have turned my radar up higher instead of turning it off.
I predict happiness for you in the future, Dave. (And she'll probably be happier, too.) Good luck to you. Keep us posted. You always have friends here.
You really owe it to her (I know you don't want to hear that right now) to fill her in on your thoughts and not just begin staying there for longer and longer amounts of time. If you did tell her, I'm curious as to her response. Does she *really* not love you or has she just never challenged that part of herself that says "I don't feel like feeling this way, therefore I won't"?
Again I am sorry for where you are. And praying you find a happier path in the future.
I agree with what Lil is saying in the months that I have been on this board I have never seen a true LD person. Other the Mrs Nopkins that has truely turned around there sitch. I have seen token gestures and slight improvements and backslides. But not true sucess except for those who's LDness was the ailment of other problems and not the other problems being the result of there LDness.
I wish you well on your new journey. I know it will be hard. But I think your making this choice was the hardest step you will ever have to take.
Lillieperl, You have so elloquently put into words what all of us know inside. A Leopard just can't change his or her spots and that applies to HDs as well as LDs. In so many ways this board and the wonderful people here prop up each other's hope but deep down we all know that in reality things will just carry the same. I come back after a few months to the same locking of horns between Mr & Mrs Hairdog, the same desperation from CeMar, the same fabulous HD women - any one of whom would make HDs like me happy beyond our wildest dreams - yet their husbands just don't have the emotional resources to know what gems they are married to. That hug you had from your bf said it all. Cher sings "It's in his kiss" and you know that is absolutely true. There is nothing in my W's kiss that I can detect other than indifference but the nature of the HD is to allow their own overflowing love and optimism to keep on believing and keep on trying. SD
Honeypot, You completely changed my steriotyped view of women when I first read your posts back in early 2004. Before that I really believed there could be no such thing as an HD woman because every man I know always complains about lack of sex from their wives. If I ever do find myself looking for a new partner at least I know that there are women with the right stuff out there somewhere! As to whether I tell her my plans. Yes I will because there is a lot of talking still to do. I'm pretty sure I won't be initiating on Fridays for the foreseable future but I see no reason not to try to talk R instead. She wants me to respect the way she wants to live and the flip side is that she will have to respect the fact that I can't live that way and will (being a flirty type of guy) not be able to stop myself from looking around. When the chips are down she is inclined to say "I DO love you" but it's delivered more as a matter of fact than a heart pounding emotion. When I feel love for her it could take the form of me nibbling her ear lobe and whispering that I love her and want to kiss her all over. She just doesn't have it within her to even think about doing that sort of thing. I'm in a bit of a turmoil because I am still filled up with HD. I feel like a child who desperately wants that expensive toy but has realised that he'll never get it. The desire and anticipation is still there but the goods never materialise. SD xxx
Chrissy, Yes Mrs NOP is interesting because I think she is a case of Lower Desire (than NOP) rather than Low Desire. I seem to remember for a time at least that they were ML every day. Thats way over what any other LD I've ever heard of would be capable of. SD
You don't know me but Lou said you were from the UK, so I'm saying hello. I am a HD woman but with a weird X who is with me one minute and not the next. I would like to have a proper R but am not in the right circumstances.
So I just thought I'd say hi and that I'm thinking of you as that is an awful sitch to be in.
