No real rights to see them, but my X has been very good about letting them come over when they want to. It's just that if/when they move I'll have to juggle two sets of kids. I just feel that over time they really won't want to see me anymore.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Well, have you tried discussing it with your step-kids? You might find they do want to see you and they might set your worries at ease.
You could write them a card, saying what they mean to you and that you want to stay in touch.
Or talk to XW about scheduling holidays a few times a year. I know you've got your sons, but can you not have all 4 kids sometimes, or take your sons on one holiday and your step-kids on another?
Sure, you wouldn't see them all the time, but I'm sure you still could a few times a year.
I know you weren't being paranoid, as you've explained your sitch before. I was just joking with you.
You're a good man and dad to feel that way. I'm sorry that this is happening to you and them. It didn't have to be this way. You're doing great staying a positive presence in their lives as long as you are allowed contact. Beyond that is out of your control.
Yeah, three thoughts. One, I'm proud of myself for getting out there, even if alone, and accepting the invitation to go with them. That is a major change for me. I'm generally pretty shy and it's a hurdle for me to go do things by myself. Turns out I met some new people and had fun.
Two, I really enjoy doing the swing/jitterbug and missed having a partner. My X was very good at it and enjoyed it. We didn't do that enough after getting married.
And three, I've talked to the girl I met for lengthy periods of time both Saturday and Sunday and worked out future opportunities to meet. And now I'm nervous. I'm already starting to think of an exit strategy should things not look good. Pretty bad hunh?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Hey that's great that you took a chance and had a nice time. That's how new connections and frienships get started. She sounds interested, and I'd just leave it at that. Although you have the personality and career that'll make it harder to shake off a pursuing woman who you have no remaining interest in, I'd leave the exit strategies to the fairer sex and just be direct. Kind, but direct. And timely, as in as soon as you know that its not going anywhere, you let her know.
But you're nowhere near there. Those DBing skills are also mainstream R skills: Breathe, relax your posture, and just take her presence in, stay non-defensive, listen reflectively, eye contact, all those good things... Enjoy it, Buddy.
Any snow yet up there? Over here, its a chilly 34 degrees. I wore my gloves to drive in to protect my baby soft hands. Can't hamper the typing skills, you know.
For inquiring minds (if there are any), I went on a date last night. And know what? I had fun. Talking with her was very easy. The good thing is I think she pretty much wants no more than I do, someone to do things with and just enjoy the company of.
As always seems inevitable, the topic of relationships came up. She wondered whether I'd go though a midlife crisis (she thought her XH had) and after careful consideration I didn't think that going through that kind of thing would really be necessary for me. If anything, this experience has given me opportunity enough to do the soulsearching and exploring that seems to be an underlying theme in MLC. I don't care that I'm getting older. I don't feel old, act old, or wish I could relive my college days, and I don't have a driving need to see if I can pick up 20 year olds.
Which brings me to a point I want to make about leaving the door open a crack to the X. I'm not sure that's possible, nor is it fair to yourself or the person you are seeing. The X is done. That marriage and relationship is over. It's my opinion that even considering the possibility that the XS will want to try again is an obstacle to really keeping an open mind about a meaningful relationship with someone else. It takes time to shut the door completely; I don't have any illusions about that, but the intent to slam the door completely closed at least needs to be there. I've read through that chapter of marriage, through the fights, the pain, and clear through the chapter of divorce. The next chapter has to be trying again with someone else without looking back at those previous chapters except to remind myself what not to do this time around.
Anyway, enough musing. Time to work.
Have a good day all.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: The good thing is I think she pretty much wants no more than I do, someone to do things with and just enjoy the company of.
In other words, neither of you are in a rush, and yet you're not setting up artificial boundaries, right? Sounds like a nice promising connection!
I agree that its not fair to use the new person in any direct way to better one's sitch. And I like how you're focusing on putting into play what you've learned thru DBing and past Rs, not just writing that stuff off as your Xs mistakes, but owning/even discussing your changes.
I'm not sure detaching from the X, and focusing on oneself is hampered by leaving the door cracked open. Perhaps we hold different definitions of this. To me, leaving the door cracked open means possibly the following: 1) forgiving XW completely, 2) wanting her to be happy, 3) hoping that she grows, 4) detaching completely from that responsibility for any of that, 5) Assuming that if our paths cross in the future, any 'chance' would involve learning, discovering, and falling in love again in a truly new R.
This is where GAL activities, including dating, seem very important. I don't see myself able to do many/any? of those without truly seeking to feed my need for female companionship. In my sitch, the quality of women I've found attractive to me has astounded me, and quieted my fears about growing and dying old and alone. I'd expect no less (finding someone, not dying old and alone ) from each of you committed DBers also. The general public of available folks notice these changes, folks.
As I said to Bulldogr last night in a phone convo, I think the attraction and validation from a solid attractive intelligent SO helps to debunk the 'monster' labels many of us have received from our WASs in their hurry to rationalize their quitting the M. Spiritually, many have already received this validation from the sense of unconditional love and acceptance from God. But as we are made human and of flesh, it makes sense to be fed by human sources of validation, especially ones who smell very nice, say pleasant things, and know how to bat their eyelashes and sashay as they walk.
In summary, to lock or weld that door shuts seems unnecessary. My vote is to leave it be, as the other smacks of unresolved anger and unforgiveness. Let it be, get on with making your life marvelous, and if she comes back to talk/flirt/attempt again, consider it a 'new' experience. Attempt to treat her as you would any first interesting contact: with consideration, respect, playfulness, and importantly, self-protective boundaries that allow no inappropriate assumptions based merely on past contact, as that's mere water under the bridge now.
Quote: To me, leaving the door cracked open means possibly the following: 1) forgiving XW completely, 2) wanting her to be happy, 3) hoping that she grows, 4) detaching completely from that responsibility for any of that, 5) Assuming that if our paths cross in the future, any 'chance' would involve learning, discovering, and falling in love again in a truly new R.
I'll accept this definition. My definition of what "leaving the door open" means was...I'll go on dates and explore other possibilities, but if XW chose to try again that she had a free pass back to me and I'll avoid getting in too deep with anyone for fear she should come back. That's the kind of open door policy that I think is not right or fair.
I still care about and for my XW. I want the best for her and want her to find happiness. I've forgiven. I'm not angry. Sometimes I'm disappointed that things couldn't work out, for the welfare of everyone involved, but I'm a realist and can see that we didn't do the things necessary to save it in time and I honestly don't think we were the same people we were when we met and fell in love. And it's not out of bitterness or angriness that I say that should the opportunity ever come to "start over from scratch" with her, she would still be on probation with me. Once bitten, twice shy (babe).
I agree with everything you said except "water under the bridge". I think that we wouldn't get a clean slate start and I'm not sure I'd be willing to offer that either. I would have to keep my eyes open for proof that things were different. That's why it would be hard to try again and I'm not just speaking about me, it would be equally hard for the X given the strikes against me.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Pretty bad hunh? 
