It all comes down to boundries.Where do you set you line in the sand?
If he is nasty avoid him.He will get the message.Not the first time.Maybe not even the 50th time.But he will get it.
Having children with Andy should not keep you from finding love.It may feel like your protecting yourself from hurt but in reality not being open to love again is just as harmful if not more so.There are roughly six billion people in this world.Being open to the posibility of love again gives us hope.We were made to love.It's in our nature.And to not be open to it is going against our one need that is formost.
Deal with the past and move on.Sounds easy when it's just words.It's the work of it that is hard.But in the long run it is so worth it.
I'm a feminist to the bone.But I see it diffently.I'm a mans equal.But I'm his opposite.I have a role to play.I enjoy my feminity.And I love the maleness of a man.I don't need one to complete me.I'm complete all on my own.However I know that I am missing an wonderful part of the human experance if I chose to not include a man in my future.
I'm not ready for that now.I would be cheating a man out of a woman who isn't quit over the anger of having been hurt.But it was just this one man who hurt me.All men havn't hurt me.Just him.To overlook the fact that there are good men out there is cheating me.And some man would be cheated out of something wonderful.ME!!! Damn it I'm wonderful as are all woman.
I'm not a theif.I will not steal my wonderfulness from some wonderful man.I deserve to be loved.And somewhere out there is someone who deserves to be loved by me.
So how is that for a feminist?One who loves men.
Later Friends Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Quote: Just because the problems with new Rs seem quite challenging is no reason not to try.
The way I look at it is I have two options: Plan A: stay single forever. In fact, never date because I could actually fall in love and could end up married. This plan also could include pining away for or at least holding out hope for reconciliation with XS. Plan B: Take a chance that I'll meet someone that will enrich my life and deal with the problems that arise from exes, step-kids, and the desire for future kids, but at least taking a chance that it will work out and I can give and receive love from someone.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Well, we've already done 50th time, and believe me, most of the time I don't react, but it's there, underneath everything. I dwell on it, it upsets me. Even if I never reacted ever, it would always upset me. He's not just a man, he's the father of my children. He will always have a deep impact on me.
Anyone I was with would have to put up with that and with him being mean to me.
And when I said I'm not a feminist, I meant old-style feminism, where all men are bastards, being a housewife is a waste of potiential etc. I happen to love men, love penises, and think that being a housewife is a really important job. In fact, I think it's so important that women ought to be paid by the government to do it.
I believe that the rampent divorce rate is in part, due to old sytle feminism where to assert your women's rights you *have* to go out to work, where it's beneth you to cook your husband a meal, where in parenting he is thought of as just the same as you.
Well, that's why so many M's fail, because no one has a clearly defined role anymore, because women are trying to do too much and not getting enough support from their husbands, because the women aren't being proper wives and giving their husbands a decent sex life if the SSM forum is anything to go by.
I had to fight for months to keep my newborn baby, I had to go to court to assert my right to breast feed my own baby, because Andy was thought of as 'equal' in terms of parenting. Tosh, no way. That's why I am anti-feminism.
Real feminism teaches women to salute their role as women, and not have to constantly assert themselves because they have some kind of penis envy.
I am proud to be a woman. I love my feminity. I am proud to work, but also even prouder to have stayed at home with my kids. I don't care if I am standing in a kitchen with an apron on, pregnant. I LOVE being pregnant, I like cooking and I don't want any man taking MY role away from me.
Real feminism teaches women how to communicate with men effectively so that both parties get what they need from the R, it doesn't teach them to fight for their 'rights' at the expense of their man's feelings and their M.
Real feminism recognises that men have feelings too, that aren't just erections.
Well, we've already done 50th time, and believe me, most of the time I don't react, but it's there, underneath everything. I dwell on it, it upsets me. Even if I never reacted ever, it would always upset me. He's not just a man, he's the father of my children. He will always have a deep impact on me.
Anyone I was with would have to put up with that and with him being mean to me.
And when I said I'm not a feminist, I meant old-style feminism, where all men are bastards, being a housewife is a waste of potiential etc. I happen to love men, love penises, and think that being a housewife is a really important job. In fact, I think it's so important that women ought to be paid by the government to do it.
I believe that the rampent divorce rate is in part, due to old sytle feminism where to assert your women's rights you *have* to go out to work, where it's beneth you to cook your husband a meal, where in parenting he is thought of as just the same as you.
Well, that's why so many M's fail, because no one has a clearly defined role anymore, because women are trying to do too much and not getting enough support from their husbands, because the women aren't being proper wives and giving their husbands a decent sex life if the SSM forum is anything to go by.
I had to fight for months to keep my newborn baby, I had to go to court to assert my right to breast feed my own baby, because Andy was thought of as 'equal' in terms of parenting. Tosh, no way. That's why I am anti-feminism.
Real feminism teaches women to salute their role as women, and not have to constantly assert themselves because they have some kind of penis envy.
I am proud to be a woman. I love my feminity. I am proud to work, but also even prouder to have stayed at home with my kids. I don't care if I am standing in a kitchen with an apron on, pregnant. I LOVE being pregnant, I like cooking and I don't want any man taking MY role away from me.
Real feminism teaches women how to communicate with men effectively so that both parties get what they need from the R, it doesn't teach them to fight for their 'rights' at the expense of their man's feelings and their M.
Real feminism recognises that men have feelings too, that aren't just erections.
I'm not ready for that now.I would be cheating a man out of a woman who isn't quit over the anger of having been hurt.But it was just this one man who hurt me.All men havn't hurt me.Just him.To overlook the fact that there are good men out there is cheating me.And some man would be cheated out of something wonderful.ME!!! Damn it I'm wonderful as are all woman.
I'm not a theif.I will not steal my wonderfulness from some wonderful man.I deserve to be loved.And somewhere out there is someone who deserves to be loved by me.
Andy will never marry again. I know that. His values have changed. At best, he would have a commitment ceremony, and that includes with me. He would never marry me either, so I'm not scared of that.
I'm not waiting for him, but I'm not actively looking for a man either, if that makes sense. If I stay single, I stay single.
The only thing that really hurts me is the idea of not ever being able to hug someone and ask how their day has been, or go to a movie and hold hands, or make love all night blah blah blah, and not being able to have more children.
He took 3 of my children. I definitely want more. If I do stay single, I will embark upon IVF, and believe me, that isn't cheap. I've looked into it, and if I donate more eggs, it would cost me �500. If I don't, you're talking thousands.
I decided to wait till I'm 32, and if I don't have an R by then, I will ask for IVF, as I think the cut off age is 36. I would be desolate if I never had a sibling for DD4, she is like an only child here most of the time and it isn't fair to her. It isn't fair to me, either.
I don't know what will happen to me. Like any woman I want love, but people don't always get what they want, and men do sometimes get put off by my disability even though it shouldn't matter. I don't get tons of offers, LOL.
During the time I was dark, was he mean? YES, YES, YES and YES.
He was worse, much worse. Then he'd send messages through the kids, leave little notes in their overnight bag, send me solicitors letters every 5 minutes because I wasn't raising the kids how he wanted.
He'd not pack them any overnight clothes just to get on my nerves, send his OW round here to wind me up, send me emails entitled 'OW's Lover' etc etc just to hurt me.
The only time he ever stops that is when we're in contact and the only time he's ever nice to me is when I sleep with him, so I'm damn well screwed, for want of a better word.
If I cut him off, there'd be a solicitors letter on my doorstep the next week.
The only realistic way I can cut him out is to walk out on the whole family, which I am not psychologically able to do. I have thought about it many times, though.
GG, What you are going through is terrible. I feel truly awful to know this is happening to you. I understand very well how you feel at this point.
My X was criticizing me constantly after she left. We had joint custody. I was doing my best to keep the kids routine normal. She and her mother would complain about me to the kids. She would bribe them. She would .... Finally, I started doubting myself and making little mistakes. Hardly noticeable at first. She would pounce. I would start second guessing myself. She would pounce again. Eventually, it took its toll and the kids began to want to live with mommy and grandma full time. So I had to make a choice.
She came to me one night and told me the kids wanted to live with her and grandma full time. Instead of arguing, I did what I thought was best for them and said yes. Maybe I was wrong but who knows.
Anyway, that wasn't good enough for her. So she immediately filed for full custody and in doing so listed a lot of really distorted things to get what she wanted. It wasn't enough that she had essentially full custody already and a fully cooperative parent. No. It had to hurt.
So here we are to today, I have washed my hands of her. She is still bitter and angry. My R with my kids is steadily improving...because I just ignore her. I am becoming confident again.
There were many times she threatened legal action and I would cower in a corner because I was trying to do the right thing for all of us...appease the unappeasable.
It takes time but you will find a way. Once you no longer fear his control over you, you will regain contro of your own life.
I think that just for the mere fact that we have all ended up here on this board proves that we are much stronger people than we would ever have imagined.
We certainly have much love in us left to give. We have proved in most cases to be pretty selfless and more importantly we value relationships.
Trust is a very hard thing to get back after it's been snatched from us by a person that we loved, but we do know that it is possible. This so worried me, but I don't dwell on that anymore. I try to take every relationship as it comes. Being on this board has helped me to understand how naive I have always been. If someone said so, then it must be, no further explanation needed. Now I am jaded and facing my own North Star, which to me means that if I see red flags or it doesn't feel right, then that's because it isn't and only I can know what's right for me. If a relationship doesn't feel right, it doesn't take me very long to understand this and walk away before it hurts.
I also have come to believe that there is someone out there that wants to be there for us. Someone that will cherish us the ways we were meant to be cherished. When it has becomes obvious to us that the person that we thought we were sharing ourlives with or were meant to, doesn't reciprocate or even emotionally abuses us with their lying and cheating, it's more than time to cut and run!
To me life is about loving and being loved. Whether that means finding that special person or being happy with our choice to fly solo, we owe it to ourselves to surround ourselves with people that will enrich our lives and make us want to be the best that we can be.
Personally, I don't believe that I will be by myself forever, but hey, that's just me! If someone chooses another route to their North star, well that's cool too. As long as we take responsibility for for our own happiness without looking to others to fill that void, we're headed in the right direction!
Thanks LB for your insight. Trust is a major issue. I've already experienced how it is to look at the next relationship and wonder how long before she takes off; keeping some of my heart back so that when she does I won't get hurt. That causes problems too. Your partner will notice if you're not quite "with the program". Funny thing is that I resisted giving my heart away and when I finally did, exactly what I was protecting against happened.
Anyway, here's the daily OM. Quite timely really as we discuss relationships with either new partners or our old ones. And it goes along with what I was previously saying, my XW is not capable of enhancing the relationship.
Quote:
December 7, 2005 Power Of Union Entering Into Partnership The purpose of partnership is to create something greater than we can create alone. Not because of any deficiency or incompleteness in us, but because each of us is unique, with our own talents and abilities, and in partnership we increase the efforts and talents available for creating something meaningful together. All partnerships, whether romantic, creative, or professionally-based, can be powerful relationships for personal growth. In partnership we harness the power of union.
It is important to choose our partnerships consciously. Sometimes forged quickly during times of need, we may find ourselves rushing into unions with perhaps not the clearest intentions. Partnerships created from those starting point might serve our immediate needs, but the repercussions of a union so quickly fostered without much thought can be difficult to recover from. Granted, there is something to learn from every relationship, but looking to another to fix or complete us can turn a partnership into a dependent bond. If we can stay clear about what we want and what we need in a partnership, while staying grounded and remembering that we are our own source of happiness and fulfillment, we can create partnerships that support and enhance the best of who we are.
Everyone in our lives is a mirror reflecting back the parts we love and dislike about ourselves. If we have the courage to recognize our reflections in each other, we can grow through our partnerships. A partnership that offers both acceptance of who we are and an opportunity for personal transformation can be fertile ground for growing a healthy, lasting union. When we find this kind of partnership, we are more likely to want to keep it, invest in it, and nurture it. Life is a collaborative effort. Much of what we do can be enhanced through partnership. Together we are stronger because our personal power is multiplied by two. Through partnership we experience the joys of working, living, and loving together.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
