You poor man. How do you cope? It's been about 5 weeks for me and that feels like forever, and prior to that I've only had it like 3 or 4 times in about 6 months.
I'm sure that's where some of my mood swings come from, definitely where some of the tearfulness comes from. I haven't had sex so I feel ugly. Feeling ugly makes me feel miserable so I'm in tears, being in tears spirals to depression, which then means I start eating junk food, not socialising as much etc etc. This gives me spots because I'm eating too much rubbish and further emphasizes the whole 'ugly' feeling.
I can't sleep at night because I haven't had sex so the whole no sex thing becomes like an obsession where I'm thinking about it about 15 hours out of every 24. I start feeling angry, and snapping at my kids and my friends and especially my X because I've got so much suppressed energy and nowhere to disperse it.
My writing suffers because I can't concentrate, so I drink more coffee to help me focus and this ends up bringing on headaches.
What I do manage to write becomes more and more pornographic to compensate for the fact that I'm not getting any in real life. I have written more erotic literature in the last 4 years than I've ever written in my life.
When I manage to get to sleep, I either have extremely violent nightmares or extremely sexual ones, and sometimes both, then I wake up feeling all anti-climaxed because it wasn't real.
Everywhere I look, there are couples, in the supermarket, in the street, kissing at the bus stop, plastered all over advertising billboards, in magazines etc etc. I turn on the TV and there's this couple kissing in the kitchen. They end up rolling into the living room, screaming and moaning etc etc while I'm sat there with a fixed grin on my face, thinking 'I USED to do that.' USED to being the operative words.
I feel like my whole life is over because I don't have sex.
So if anyone knows a cure - some ideas about how I can be ND, that would be great. I need a herbal remedy or something that makes it so I'm just not interested in sex, because in my situation I can't have any anyway.
Sorry for the discussion hi-jack, but at least it's proof that not all women are feminist, men-hating, sex loathing, lesbians.
Wow, nice input on the topic, a rousing discussion. Jo, I can't believe you are complaining about 5 weeks since last sex.
Quote: I haven't a clue how to get rid of 'the baggage' as you put it, without getting rid of the children. If they're in my life, he's in my life. End of story.
True and not true at the same time. Sure, he's in your life, just like my first XW is in mine, but he doesn't have to be your partner, just the father of your children. If the mother was tied inescapably to the father there wouldn't be divorces or second (or third or fourth) marriages.
You get rid of the baggage by no longer holding out hope that you will be together again, work on healing your heart, and find someone that will treat you right.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: I can't sleep at night because I haven't had sex so the whole no sex thing becomes like an obsession where I'm thinking about it about 15 hours out of every 24.
Its reassuring to know that there are women out there with libidos.
And no, that wasn't a women-hating vent, just a vent against being small-minded. And anger against the authors of such nonsense - folks more interested in selling their radio/TV show/book/ than in truly finding or capturing the complexity of reality.
I'm actually going on a date with a former WAW, but this is someone who sees and owns her part in her failed M.
I feel like my whole life is over because I don't have sex.
It isn't... but I can relate.
Quote:
Sorry for the discussion hi-jack, but at least it's proof that not all women are feminist, men-hating, sex loathing, lesbians.
Of course they aren't. Only feminist, men-hating, sex loathing lesbians are feminist, men-hating, sex loathing lesbians.
Quote: Its reassuring to know that there are women out there with libidos.
And no, that wasn't a women-hating vent, just a vent against being small-minded. And anger against the authors of such nonsense - folks more interested in selling their radio/TV show/book/ than in truly finding or capturing the complexity of reality.
I'm actually going on a date with a former WAW, but this is someone who sees and owns her part in her failed M.
Gabe,
Well put. I hope this puts to rest any hard feelings about this being about all women. Although I'm scratching my head as to how an article putting down men and my own statements ridiculing the myth of male inferiority have somehow turned into a need to defend ourselves from potential accusations of anti-woman bias.
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So the key seems to be timing - getting the two to try and care at the same time. Seems like only the LBS cares/tries once the bomb hits, and by the time the WAS turns the corner, the roles have reversed, with the LBS now in the "too late" category.
Not true. I tried again to re-ignite a connection for several months before she bombed. Flowers, caresses, hugs.
I never stopped giving gifts the whole time she emotionally walked away. I maintained my role as father and husband the entire time.
Could I have done more? Sure, I've learned a lot since the bomb.
It wouldn't have made one iota of difference, though.
The truth is, she wanted out for no other reason than she just wanted out. No affairs, no abuse, no addictions. blah blah blah.
I do believe her expectations of marriage didn't match the reality and she didn't have the tools or awareness to deal with that.
I also believe that much of that can be laid at the doorstep of her own parents divorce, her father's affairs and then moving far away with the mistress having little to do with her.
So now she has just perpetuated a new cycle for our own kids...a cycle I am determined to thwart.
Except Wes that your argument is too simple (not saying you are, just the argument, I think you're fascinating).
I have moved away from Andy several times. Whenever I do, the nastiest starts up. He might not be in my bed anymore, messing with my mind in that way, but he affects me even more by being mean and since 3 of the kids live with him, he has the power and the ability to do that OFTEN. As he said once, 'If we can't be friends I have to hate you', but for my sanity I CAN'T be friends. I would always want more, even 20 years down the line. He would have to let go of his notion of friendship but whenever we try just civil, the nastiest resumes. It's been 4 years so I have no reason to believe that if we're separated for life, that would ever change.
There are also few M's like your first M where the couple drift apart, remain amicable and are mutally happy at the arrangement. Most M's the couple separate because they fight, or mis-communicate, but instead of fighting in the kitchen, after D they just carry on fighting on the phone, fighting in the street.
That's exactly what happened in my case, and even if all goes quiet for a few weeks or even months, sooner or later there will be another fight. We have fought more D than we ever did in the M. Counterproductive D, in my opinion, given his reason.
Also, my aromatherapist friend still has on and off problems with her XH, despite being engaged to a new H-to-be. He will come in the house uninvited and be all chatty with her, in front of new hubby, who then gets angry, and my friend is caught in the middle.
There's my other friend who can barely mention her XH without sounding contemptous, even though the split was her decision, and he never saw their 2 sons again (his choice) after their D. It's been 8 years since she saw him last. The cost to her sons is not knowing their real father.
Statistics have shown that 2nd, 3rd, 4th marriages don't work, usually, because then you have to add other people into your already complicated family dynamic. In my case, I wanted to rip the OW's breasts off, I felt such rage. I know I would still feel like this in 10 years time.
My experience of OW, also, is that they feel as much rage as me, so there's all this bitching, back stabbing and power struggles going on.
Even after the trauma has died down, no one I know speaks fondly of their X's new wife. No one. At best you can just pretend to ignore it.
Then you have to take on someone else's children and they might be resentful towards you, or you might not want to, or the man might have a V and then you are unable to have a baby with him, and it's a natural urge to want to give birth to the baby of the man you're in love with.
If I re-married, I'd want my own family with that man, not a ready made one. Very few men would do that since I already had a family with Andy. Very few men would want to if they had kids with XW.
There are a whole mydraid of reasons why you are bound to First partner, and I personally believe that a D paper and not having sex, does not separate you from that person, and most people don't even think of that when they D.
So True! You will never be totally seperated from your X, especially if you have children. They, for the most part, will always be there M or F. Nothing will ever change that. To try and start a new life with someone involves your past and their past. A D doesn't do justice to what your heart will take a lifetime to mend!
This is a great topic to go towards--second marriages or more. I had all of that stuff thrown in. I would be lying if I claimed that blending a family is easy. It isn't. And everyone, even the kids, carry baggage with them.
But you gave a laundry list of reasons why you can't start over. So you are single for life? Or are you going to wait on Andy? What if he marries again? I think that the difficulties associated with second marriages are real, especially when kids are involved, but it shouldn't completely deter you from trying again. All of these issues would just have to come out prior to the marriage so there are no surprises.
During the times you were "dark" from Andy was he nasty then? When you don't have contact does he get nasty? I'm not saying move away physically, I was talking about emotionally. He'll get the hint that you've quit. Him getting nasty about it isn't a reasonable excuse to remain in limbo until you die. You are cheating yourself and I still can't comprehend why. My first XW didn't take my relationship with my second wife that well, but I just avoided her more. It's pretty hard to be nasty when you don't talk or see each other. It's not easy, but you owe it to yourself not to let anyone hold you back from happiness. If Andy wanted you he would have made more effort.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
GG, I can't disagree with anything you wrote regarding how tied we are and the difficulties in starting up again. I have forgiven my W I am cooperative as I can be but I still find myself biting my tongue more than I should given the length of time we have been separated. It seems that sometimes, the WA just will not let you go peacefully.
However, JM is right. Just because the problems with new Rs seem quite challenging is no reason not to try. Although the D rate is high, it is not 100% There are many loving people looking for a second chance and have and will do the hard work.
There is no hurry. I used to think about the problems you mentioned. I still do. I just know that it will work its way out if I'm honest with my future partner and she with me. What's the worst that can happen? I get my heart broken again! In other words...status quo. Been there, done that and got the T-shirt (with the divorce decree emblazened on it)
