Friday afternoons are generally slow and no one writes anything. I just thought it might be interesting for people to post their thoughts on touchy subjects. Mine for this Friday afternoon is the subject of soulmates.
It's a rampant subject on this bb, the soulmate, mainly in the newcomer section. It's either the LBS feeling that the WAS is his/her soulmate, or it's the WAS that is cheating that couldn't help it because the person they were cheating with is their soulmate.
Any thoughts on the subject of the existence of a soulmate? Love at first sight?, "A deep connection"?
Mine is that any of these are fleeting, romantasizing the initial feeling of "love" that has everything to do with yourself and not much to do with the object of your desire. I'd bet that most people talking about their "soulmate" talk about how that person makes them feel and really doesn't have any knowledge at all about how they make the other person feel. I've personally never had someone I'd call a soulmate. I wonder if that means there is someone still out there for me. That's likely the problem with my marriages; I didn't find my soulmate. I'll let you know if I find mine in Vegas this weekend. For all I know she'll be on stage dancing around a pole.
That's it for this edition of Friday musings. Care to share your thoughts?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Well it's 8 o clock at night here and I've just put DD4 to bed so I've got time for some philosophy!
The term 'soulmate' is a spiritual word, meaning to 'ground' someone, as in to keep them grounded or to the Earth. It is a term meant to describe the person or people who walk with you on your physical life journey before you die, and it comes from the word 'sole' (the soles of the feet), i.e, keeping ones feet on the ground, having a firm footing etc.
Your soulmate is therefore the one who holds your hand through life's challenges, whom you experience things with, and although it is commonly thought of that that person has to be a lover, sometimes it could be a friend that you have a really strong connection to.
It is also possible to have more than one soulmate, and for the soulmate to be the same sex as you. It is merely a word to reflect the deep impact and importance that person has in your life journey - but the actual meaning of the word is often misunderstood.
I believe in deep connections, yes, as I have had 2 or 3 relationships (not all sexual) with people for most of my life, and those people don't leave my life, even if circumstances change.
I have a female friend I have known for 4 years who is my best friend, who breast fed my child when I was ill because I couldn't get out of bed and who has shared everything in my life aside from sex. We have only had 1 argument in 4 years. I have no doubt that even if she moves back to her home country of Germany, we will always be friends for the rest of our lives.
Andy and I will always be deeply connected even if we play this out in arguments and hostility; it's the fact he is the father of my children, my only love so far and the role he has played in my life - this makes it impossible for there not to be a connection. This is not always a good thing, though.
Love at first sight? Rubbish. You cannot know someone sufficiently at first sight to know whether you love them. You might think you do but then find out you have nothing in common or they're crap in bed or something. I think that's lust or infatuation at first sight.
Well the love at first sight thing is something I always want to believe in because I'm a hopeless romantic (and a moron), but truthfully I did not have that reaction with any woman that I developed a love R with (ex wife included). In most cases, the R grew over time and THEN I had the retroactive, sentimental thing.
I don't think I have any soulmates either but Jo describes it prett well. In the sense of having someone who shared the deepest part of my life with over time, then yes I have had some. They have all come and gone though so maybe that's not it.
For the newbies, it's a way to express that deep love/hurt/desire mixture they got when the bomb dropped (or the WAS got when they went down the a road too far with an OP consciously or not). Over time, I think, they begin to see that there can/will be others out there if they want.
Well the love at first sight thing is something I always want to believe in because I'm a hopeless romantic (and a moron), but truthfully I did not have that reaction with any woman that I developed a love R with (ex wife included). In most cases, the R grew over time and THEN I had the retroactive, sentimental thing.
I don't think I have any soulmates either but Jo describes it prett well. In the sense of having someone who shared the deepest part of my life with over time, then yes I have had some. They have all come and gone though so maybe that's not it.
For the newbies, it's a way to express that deep love/hurt/desire mixture they got when the bomb dropped (or the WAS got when they went down the a road too far with an OP consciously or not). Over time, I think, they begin to see that there can/will be others out there if they want.
I'm glad to see people writing philosophy. So using Jo's soulmate I'd still have to say I guess I haven't had a soulmate. No, scratch that, I have.
That brings to mind that one inspiration religious story that you see printed on everything...the footprints in the sand. I'm sure everyone is familiar with that story. That I guess would be the soulmate...when times got difficult, it was then that I carried you. If I was looking at the footprints of my life in the sand and saw my XW's footprints in the sand for six years next to mine, at the difficult times I'd look back and see one set of footprints. It was then that she abandoned me.
But that's cheating. The end result doesn't negate the previous feelings; that's using WAS logic...the so called "I never loved you" defense. At one point I believed using Jo's version of soulmate that she was and the fact that she left doesn't negate that. Otherwise you'd only know a soulmate at the end of your life.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Mmmm, I see what you mean, Wes, but previous experiences with the X do count (for instance, in my case if I hadn't have been with Andy, I wouldn't have a gorgeous blonde 3 year old living in my house, and telling me, 'mummy, I love you; we're all married!' , in fact, if he hadn't left me, I wouldn't have written my book, I wouldn't have spent time living in Orlando, no way would I have done that as his wife).
I'm not saying he's right or I'm glad, I'm not, and I do think the WAS is weak, depressed, commitment phobic without any idea of the true value of people or marriage, but even in the most agonizing sitch like mine, I can think of things I have gained from it.
It is also my religious belief in reincarnation and that before we are born, God has for us a set of jobs to do in our life by which we will learn things, and when we have completed those lessons, we die and go back to spirit, and then keep incarnating until we have attained all the love and wisdom we can.
Maybe D happens because we need to alter our R's with people; it is a catalyist for growth - although because I believe in the sanctity of marriage, I think this should be used to strengthen the faults in the R, rather than to stay D, but sometimes the WAS has so many issues it makes it impossible.
I do try to live by the philosophy that the only things you take with you when you die are love and knowledge, so I try to cultivate these and not to hurt others (but not at the expense of my own emotional health).
I also know that if Andy or I fail to learn lessons from these experiences, we will be sent back again in another incarnation to repeat the same scenario in the hope that we respond to it correctly, or communicate better before it happens. That's another argument for DB'ing, I so don't want to come back with the man all over again I feel as if I have known him for 3,000 years and I have no doubt we played this out before, but without the internet
So I try not to get too resentful about things, but yes, it does hurt.
Wes, In answer to your question. I don't think I've found my sould mate as yet. My XH was not him and I never felt that he was. I'm open to finding my true soul mate but have little faith that he exists.
However, I have friends and family that I would trust with my life. I've never felt that with any man I've been with. The man who makes me feel "safe" (a lot goes into this) will be the one I will accept as my soul mate. So far, I've never felt that. Sad, but true.
