Just wanted to take a few minutes and connect with all you disembodied but beautiful spirits. I have been spending some time these past couple of days reading more about your personal situations.
There is so much pain and suffering going on for all of us that I am even more committted to doing my best to remain connected to my own Highest Power. To develop and maintain those feelings and resources within myself that are greater than my challenges.
It is my intention, but obviously no simple task, to rise above the drama of my own situation, and offer more comfort and support to others. I know that no matter how long its been, one day there will be more happiness in my life. Being there for others, who I know are also there for me, reinforces my value and self-worth. Gives me something good to think about.
For me it is quite ironic because I am also in the business of giving people guidance and support to improve their quality of life, yet this one area of my life is often all-consuming. It leaves me an emotional basket case prone to a lot of stupid (okay, human) behavior.
Have been trying to get to a place where I am accepting of OM in WAW's life. The symbol of my weakness and despair in this area is driving by her house to see what she is doing. That's how I happened to see them together the other day.
It bothers me on so many different levels, but one of the things that bugs me most is that I know I am so much bigger than that. So much more than my current behavior.
Two days ago wife once again insisted I stay away from her. To give her more time and space and she would talk to Michelle and I in our session next Friday.
I have to keep that in my mind because having her talk to Michelle is the absolute best thing in the world for us right now, and I totally put that at risk by driving by last night and also this morning to see if he was there. (He wasn't. Big deal.)
OM is so insignificant to this. Nothing more than a plastic vibrator soon to be discarded. Her vibrator never threatened me and neither does this guy.
What scares me is that I know I am competing against all her overwhelming negative impressions of me. All the times that I have hurt her, and all the pain and damage that I also remind her of, that she has also inflicted upon me.
She SOOOO wants to get passed our past that why would she ever risk the possibility of going back to it, or getting into a situation where there's always the possibility of it recurring? Or even just reminding her of it?
Funny how the answer is always in the question. The more precise the question, the more precise the answer.
The answer is she wont. Not ever. Never. Not in a gazillion years will she go back to what we were. Good news is I know that neither will I, and I think she might suspect it herself but doesn't quite know how to believe it at the moment.
All she can focus on is friendship. SHe says this to me again and again and again and like an idiot I hear it everytime and am failing to give her the time and space she needs.
BUT ITS ALREADY BEEN EIGHTEEN YEARS OF GIVING HER TIME AND SPACE AND WHATEVER ELSE SHE NEEDS my mind screamingly insists.
But no. Not in a way that she could really see or appreciate in any way that made reliable sense to her.
Yesterday I started reading the 5 Languages of Love and that has given me comfort. Now that I'm aware of certain things, I know there's no way "Pop 'n Fresh" (my name for the OM pillsbury dough-boy. He who has more money than God but a litte extra around the waistline) no way he or any other man can ever compete with me when it comes to understanding my wife's language of love.
They can offer temporay pleasure, but I can provide long term happiness. I'm sure that when push comes to shove, she will at least give me that chance before truly committing to someone else.
Plus, by then I will be back on my feet enough to be at peace with whatever she is doing and having so much fun with our kids that no matter how much she's doubting or hurting or denying us now, wouldn't she at least want to give us one authentic chance to be a happy couple? To be a happy family?
I think so. What do you think?
In a few days I'm going to start focusing more on your posts and being a better friend to each of you. Not quite there today, but it's something I am moving towards.
