Agony. No words to describe it. This is my first post which I am making out of desperation to accept my present reality which is SOOOOO far away from what I once had and where I want to be.
Quick facts: common law wife and I together 18 years, last 3 of that seperated. 2 kids, D17, S13, she kicked me out 3 years ago after not being able to get over my drunken one-night stand, which happened while sort-of seperated eight years after her telling me she was dying of cancer in order to have a child. I have been trying forever to get her into counseling to develop trust and honesty in our relationship. We first met with MIchelle 2 months ago and have had three phone sessions.
Wife had not been seeing anyone else these past three years. I dated once two years ago, and then decided my wife is the only woman in the world for me.
Last night was first time I saw her with another man. Sitting face to face on his lap passionately kissing....
My god how do I deal with this?
We are about to have our fourth telephone session with Michelle. W is still saying all she wants with me is a friendship and after seeing what I saw it looks like I might actually have to accept that this is the end of my hopes for our family.
Wife said she will discuss her lying and my affair in next meeting with Michelle. But now I feel like I am the one wishing I was dead. Please help me stop the pain.
Okay replying to my own post. A couple of hours have passed since this horrible night in hell and while the pain is still great at least I have been able to take a couple of deep breaths and that has certainly helped.
It has also helped reading the many wise and heartfelt posts I have been reading here the past couple of hours. Have printed a few out and pinned them to the wall in order to gain perspective.
I would like your opinions please. Am thinking of doing a 180 althought the idea of it scares me to death because wife might interpret it as a threat or ultimatum, but to me it would feel more like trying to be okay about moving on without her though its nearly impossible to imagine.
My 180 is to suggest that my wife contribute to 50% of the cost of our counselling or I'm throwing in the towel and taking my son to live with me in Hawaii 3,000 miles away. Son says its what he wants too if we can't ever be a family. I think my purpose is to help her see she needs to take equal responsibility, but I fear I amy just be trying to force the issue. What if anything am I missing? What do I need to be doing? Is moving away a good idea? I have been waiting so long for her.
I am very lost, lonely and confused. Right now any contact or conversation with anyone would be greatly appreciated.
One more thing. This morning she called and asked "why I was doing this" not exactly sure what "this" is that in her eyes I am doing...
...but when I asked her what she felt she was getting out of climbing onto another man's lap (straddling him, though I didn't say that to her), she said she didn't know.
After thinking about it she said "I guess I just need (needed?) to feel needed. That floored me because I need this woman like air and water. Got emotional telling her that and she said just set up the next appointment and we'll talk to Michelle.
michaelH, Welcome to the boards. I'm so sorry that it is under these circumstances. You will find a lot of support from a lot of people dealing with the same agony that you are experiencing. I don't have a lot of advice. Try taking a slow deep breath and then do it again. Try to keep the negative thoughts out of your mind. Keep busy! Try not to wallow in your grief. Make a list of things you would like to accomplish in a day (a short, reasonable list) and then FORCE yourself to do at least one of the things on your list. Remember...you can not control your W. You can only control yourself and your life. GAL! It does really help. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but it will get easier. Just hold on. I'll hold a good thought for you today.
Spitfire23
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
My 180 is to suggest that my wife contribute to 50% of the cost of our counselling or I'm throwing in the towel and taking my son to live with me in Hawaii 3,000 miles away. Son says its what he wants too if we can't ever be a family. I think my purpose is to help her see she needs to take equal responsibility, but I fear I amy just be trying to force the issue.
You can ask is he'll help out with the cost, but let's take the notion of "equal responsibility" out of the equation for a moment, and let me ask you: is footing the whole bill yourself worth the expense to you in possibly helping your relationship? And if she says "no can do", does that really mean you want to scrap it all?
This morning she called and asked "why I was doing this" not exactly sure what "this" is that in her eyes I am doing
Ask her.
After thinking about it she said "I guess I just need (needed?) to feel needed. That floored me because I need this woman like air and water.
There's been tremendous miscommunication (of having her feel wanted) between you two. That's something to work on to make it more effective.
Thank You NY. Yeah, asking her to split the cost not worth the risk of her saying no.
And I'm still flabbergasted by her comment that she just wants to be needed, although I guess I really shouldn't be because its been three years since she's been with any man and she sure as heck doesn't want to be needed by me right now.
"The harder the wind blows, the stronger the tree grows."
Don't know who said that but it sounds good today.
WAW currently feels as trapped and smothered by me, as I once did by her. Until I realized its not the things that happen to us that matters, it is the meaning we give to those things that matters.
In other words "you can't control the wind, but you can control your sails."
In other words, we can't control the things that happen to us, all we can control is the meaning we give to those things.
Today I am stepping up. Today I am going to be a leader not a whiner. Today I am going to be strong and honest and real and good. Today I am going to be myself no matter if anyone else likes it or not.
WAW feels she is trapped because she does not yet see that she really does have a choice...that being personally responsible means exactly that.
Being ABLE to RESPOND. Being able see various points of view, to assess what serves your purpose, and taking effective action.
Today I am personally responsible for my own health, wealth and happiness and I will BE that way and DO the things I must UNTIL
This was a hard but good morning. WAW and I had a gruelling talk about hearing each other. In the end, both exhausted from battle, we each realized we were both saying the exact same thing and still moving in a good direction.
Out next appointment with Michelle will be Friday the 18th. I am so proud of WAW for commiting to being there, and also for her integrity in being true to herself.
