How's it been since the weekend? Quit guessing, it just drives you crazy. Yes, do get to the point that you just worry about you, it's the best game in town.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Here seems to be my read on things. W seems to be sitting on a fence post, but not willing to fall either way. She doesn't want to be the one to break up the family, but wants to be able to have control over everything (call the shots). Since I am not a stronger leader then she is, I not going to cut the mustard, therefore I need to go. However, it's a catch 22. If I try to step up, then she fights me on that. If I don't do enough, then obviously I not strong enough to be with her. She wants someone to control her out of control life, but still let her call all the shots and do whatever she wants.
Not to bore you with details, but I got a comment from a lady the other day that went something to the extent, "your kidding me, W did that, she wouldn't even do something much smaller than that, which I asked her to do". "Has she done something like this before?" The answer I wanted to give was *&^^ no", but I just smiled. Can you say MLC, boys and girls.
What I have been building on is "AS IF". I am not letting her problem ruin my life. She will do what she does, when she does. She will be accountable for the damage she does. Eventually she will have to answer for her actions. In my eyes the most damage will appear in her kids and grandkids lives. As a coach of youth sports, it was usually fairly obvious to me which kids came from broken homes. If you talk to someone who is honest about their D, and has learned, they will be the first to tell you not to get D.
Like in your sitch WCW, it's a matter of when our spouse will learn, humble and change themselves. I guess this is where the waiting game begins.
Phoenix, you seem to be reading between the lines a little too much maybe? Yeah, I know it's hard not to do that, I'm guilty as charged.
Quote: She wants someone to control her out of control life, but still let her call all the shots and do whatever she wants.
Wow, what a statement! Is that MLC? then I am definitely there too. Problem is, I can't get someone to do it for me! Have you tried to dissect any of this? pick it apart, see if there is a piece you can exert control over, see how that works for you. And just maybe, she'd start losing her balance on that fence post.
Are you refering to MY H/spouse? - humble??!! not a chance. I'll hold out a while longer for learn and change. 2 out of 3 isn't bad, right? Reality is to stay patient and keep waiting, waiting began for you and me and so many of us a long long time ago.
Make your weekend great!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hi Phoenix! Has your W always been like this? It seems immature to me, but then we are all different. Maybe, you should pick a battle with her that you refuse to back down on, and see what happens. I do that with my teens ... let them get away with something without fighting over it (they actually think I didn't know certain things - so funny), but stand my ground when I feel it is absolutely necessary. I think this may get her attention. Unfortunately, if you are not a confrontational type a guy, this may be difficult. My H is a bit of an avoider, which is what leads him to lying. In your case, it leads you to being too complacent when you need to be tough. This may make you seem like a weak leader - to a teen or a MLC'er, so you may have to toughen up on certain issues, and win at all costs.
What do the marines say? Choose the hill you are willing to die over. IMHO, you are going to have to do something, otherwise, you may be on this fence for the rest of your married life. I think it was Dr. Phil that said, it is better for a child to come from a broken home, then to live in one. Ask yourself, what message you are sending to your children when you allow your W to rule the household in this manner. We know what the church teaches, and she knows, but still chooses this behaviour. Look to yourself and see what it is that gives her the impression that she can be in such control and yet still be out of control. You have to set boundaries. You may earn some respect from her, and that could lead to her reassessing her true feelings for you. We women hate to admit it, but we do like our men to be strong (emotionally, physically, mentally, and as a leader) - note, we like them strong, not overbearing and obnoxious. It is a fine balance, which your W seems to have had no problem tipping in her favour.
I am not suggesting that one's M should be a constant battle for control and leadership (IOW, power). But, it appears that when a spouse is in the midst of a MLC, then the rules change somewhat and we have to do things to get their attention in a positive and meaningful way, until a more mature relationship can re-develop.
Hope I'm making sense here - haven't had a lot of sleep this week. Will illuminate on my thread.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I have been thinking about what you had to say. To often it's a no win sitch. Either I'm too easy and she is having to deal with stuff she doesn't want to make decisions on, or I'm being too hard, at which point she is quick to jump in and tell me to mellow out. W came from a home where her mom was an emotional roller coaster, as was her mom. Unfortunately this was not evident until too late and I didn't have much time to rethink. As a result too much revolves around W's ability to cope. Later I resolved to just learn how to deal with it.
I have stood a few battles, however I want it to be a standing firm, not a throwing down of the gauntlet. If she feels like I'm trying to manuver her into a corner, her fur will go up. So I will try to be strong and confident, not out to pick a fight. There are positives, but I'm worried about her changes not becoming complete, kind of stalling half way up the hill. So I pray for comfort and guidance. I'm trying hard to not let myself become the WAS, too much at stake.
Yeah, it's all about balance, I guess! I sure hope that something positive happens soon, that will give you no doubts that things will work out for the future. They say MLC can last 4-6 years which sounds really long, but in your sitch, it could just be a matter of waiting it out, while still maintaining your feelings of love for your W.
Well, I am off to the USA on Monday, and I am looking forward to my visit with my D25. It will give my H and I a bit of space from each other, although I am sure I will miss him, as I will miss my D13.
Take care! Debbie
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Hope you have a good trip. It'll be good for you to take a breather from this DB game. What your saying is right. What I see is that instead of being positive with others and negative to me, when we are one on one alone, things are better. I think she sees that yes I do still care about her and yet I am giving space. What seems to be the turning point is when she learns to make the best of life by making our R the best that she can.
I think if that was to happen the rest would follow, or at least set the tone for what should happen. The momentum is in the right direction, I just want to see things move faster. I am pleased to see her being strong with her re-enforcement of standards with D15. I think she is starting to see the importance of her actions on D15 life.
Had a rough R talk last night, had been way to long. However I was able to work my way through the day and read some great material tonight. There was a ton of stuff stressing the importance of M. BeingMe have you read June's C mags. Forget the 2x4, here comes the main beam.
