What to do next?

[Phoenix_spark]

Well, happy anniversary to me. We had a nice dinner out, even finish the evening "properly". Some sweet little waitress would have gotten a huge tip if I would have had the chance. She asked if we were celebrating anything, when I answered she said, "wow that's amazing, you guys met and married within a year and have been married that long, you must really have known it was right". At this point I showed true game face, just smiled at the waitress and stole a glance over to wife. I bet anyone here could have jump in with a fairly loaded statement, but I did the right thing and no harm or foul (just point made).

Now mix that with a friend of wife coming and wishing me a happy Aniversary (that means W admitted to friends that she was having an Anniverary), I'll take that as a positive. Overall I think W is trying to do the right thing, but some old attitudes slip in now and then.

[xuesheng]

Hello Phoenix,

Thought I'd stop by your thread. I was able to read parts but have some time limitations. Looks to me like we're in similiar boats.

As you know I moved into piecing just a couple months ago.

Like you, our R problems seem to be solved but we're not where we need to be. Kind of in limbo. We spend a great deal of quality time together and she certainly doesn't seem to be heading out the door anymore. But she is remaining distant physically.

There is future talk.

Many times I've hit a point where I think I am done changing myself. Then I'm hit in the head with another big realization and get back to work.

I feel at this point I'm more in fine tuning mode. I still see things to work on but I've come a long way.

This place is even more frustrating than when things were bad. We seem to be the perfect couple. Yet we are not yet there. I've got to go but I will come back and read your thread some more when I get a moment.

Xuesheng

[BeingMe]

Happy Anniversary, Phoenix! And, it sure sounds like it was happier than expected, 'eh! That waitress must've been an angel. You handled it well, and I hope it hit home to your W. Sometimes, the less said, the better.

How have things been since the anniversary date?

Anyway, I think of you and your sitch often, and praying for more positive moments.

[Phoenix_spark]

Hey Xue and Being me. First off, yes Xue fine tune does seem to be the best way to descibe it. As things seem to be warming up, also I think W is seeing that I'm not holding her back, but not encouraging or providing any negative actions. Right now I think W sees that she probably has about the best sitch she could have right now and save face. W is not big on admitting she is wrong, certainly not going to own up to it. As most of us know here that's usually what drags it out the most.

That said, she has been fairly upbeat in general. Plans seem to be said more in a long term context. To follow up about the waitress. There seems to be alot of those kinds of incidences lately, but like you've noticed, I don't say a thing, just listen and note what was said. Maybe she will see that the Lord is sending a message, hopefully she will hear before a 2 x 4 is needed. Let's see if she is humble enough to listen. My feeling is yes, it's starting to sink in.

Children are very powerful angels, they have said a lot that I would have loved to have said. Hopefully, it will sink in and have the positive effect I hope for. I think it is quite obvious that the kids will not "be alright with whatever happens". Most of these "experts" will say whatever you want to hear, I go by the feeling voiced by friends of mine, who were children of D and are still not "alright" with it. Some of them even dispise(sp?) their parents and resent the lies that they were told just to save face for the parents. As a result I listen very closely to these kids of mine and put my nose back to the grindstone every time I hear them.

My kids will know that their Dad will not let them down, I can't speak for their Mom, that's up to her. I just hope W will get her act together so that the kids will not have the wrong concepts of marriage ingrained in their mind. Certainly W does not want this to go on for more generations.

Excuse the rant/tirade.

[WCW]

Cool! things are warming up! and Happy Anniversary!

I hear what you are saying about children of divorced parents. The spouse that wants a D will say 'they will be okay'. In some cases, such as my folks, D was honestly the best option for the family. Even I knew that when I wasn't even a teenager yet. I also have friends that have been married for almost 35 years. Not any of their kids have decided that marriage is the best option, but they do live with a SO. Maybe I am just saying it is the quality of the marriage that is important for the kids to get the concept.

Keep the good information coming. Waahoo!

[Phoenix_spark]

The kids seem to know quite a bit that Daddy is the one that will do what ever it takes. Daddy helps them get dressed, makes breakfast, comforts them. I'm not saying W won't, just not as readily. To often it's a matter of focus. Quite often, my focus is on the kids and their needs, not necessarily the same for W. I am a strong believer in working to build love, almost to a fault.

It appears to me W likes to be loved and taken care of, but not overly willing to reciprocate. Not that she can't, I think most of it has to do with her present state of mind. I can't fix her, so I'll work on myself, give the kids all I can and do it as there is no tomorrow. After all that might just be the case. Love like there is no tomorrow.

[BeingMe]

So true, Phoenix! One should love like there is no tomorrow, and if we should be gone, we want our children to have fond memories of us.

I always say that one thing my H and I did well, was bring up the most awesome kids. Somehow, with all our problems, we managed to do pretty well by them. And, this DB'ing has helped me be an even better mom to them too, even if they are mostly grown up. I listen better, and am a lot more empathetic to their problems. I am also a better cheerleader, and always try and find positives in what they do, while being realistic about their negatives (can't let our kids think everything they do is great, and then they have an unrealistic sense of themselves).

You seem to be in a good place now, so just keep trying to build on that.

[Phoenix_spark]

On a positive note I am noticing that she is trying to recognize some of the extra things that I do for her and the family. For my side of the equation I am trying to make sure that I stay even and upbeat, making sure R issues are not "in her face". I'm trying to get a better handle on what I am doing right and see what I should focus on and what to ease off on.

[BeingMe]

Your sitch sounds more and more positive every time I read your thread, Phoenix. I hope this trend continues.

[Phoenix_spark]

Well it was a dicey weekend, not sure where we're at. W was busy with her show friday and saturday. Saw her after show and when she got home. Fairly good interation there. Sunday was like a pendulum. As best as I could tell, I could have only done one thing wrong, but it was really no big deal. My best guess is that W still wants to split, but can't find something that will stand up to the scrutiny of relatives. However I'm getting to the point where I'm just going to worry about me and let the cards fall as they will.

Had more comments this weekend about W MLC type behavior, such as doing things out of character, or doing things more of a vanity type. Smile and shrug seem to be my natural instint these days. Even some of my D teenage friends are shaking their heads. I guess this is where I keep my mouth shut and show love and respect. Don't know what else to do. So I guess I'll vent here and leave it at that.

Any hints here folks? Can I buy a vowel? Where's the mother ship?