I haven’t talked to our pastor. I may do that, but as I said once before, the C I’m seeing is an ordained minister and has doctorates in both psychology and theology. As far as moving W to the other house, cross your fingers – I think I have the old house sold. I have a buyer and we’ve agreed on the terms. The only issue is getting them a loan. They didn’t go into any detail, but they apparently have some credit problems and don’t know if they can qualify for the loan.
Cobra – I think you’re way off base. There are more than likely some gems of truth in what you say, but overall, it’s wrong. I do put up with too much crap from her. No question there. But I am trying to change that. It’s hard to make a complete turn around, but I’m working on it and I am making progress. There has been a lot of progress on the animal front. I’ve demanded a reduction in the number of animals and that has happened. When I started the “MrsBube’s Animals” thread we had something like 13 dogs and 12 cats. We’re now down to 7 dogs and 3 cats. I told her that she wasn’t to bring any more home until ALL of the boarders, fosters, or whatever are gone. I have stuck to that and she has abided by my wishes. Last night she asked me if it would be OK to take back one of the dogs we placed several months ago. The new owner said that it just isn’t working out. It’s a small little terrier that’s profoundly deaf, so I didn’t reject that one out of hand. I told her I would think about it and let her know today.
Also, W is not punishing me for the A. I covered all of this in another thread, but it’s history. She may think she’s still holding it over my head, but I don’t believe she thinks that and I know that I certainly don’t feel it hanging over my head. It’s ancient history.
Quote: And while Lil said you did call her bluff back then, the more I think about it, the more it looks like she called your bluff! From her perspective, maybe she is thinking that you don’t have the guts to follow through with anything. You tried it once and you failed. If you try it again, you’ll come back and then she can really put the screws to you. If you never get the courage to leave, she can still control you.
I won’t pretend to know what W is actually thinking, but I can tell you that she has never said anything to indicate that she thinks along these lines. She said that she was convinced that I was gone. She said that she felt that I only came back because I continued seeing the C who was working to restore the M. And again, I may be deluding myself, but I honestly don’t think that W has any conscious thoughts of being controlling. I don’t think the thought of “putting the screws to me” ever enters her mind. I think this is just a natural part of her personality. She acts a certain way and gets a certain response, so a pattern develops. But I don’t think there’s a conscious thought of, “I want x, so I’ll do y to make sure I get it.” I may be completely wrong, but I don’t see this kind of malice or premeditation in her.
Quote: Your reply basically confirms this to me. I think you have something going on with your sense of obligation. I’ll try not to mention FOO (oops, just did it) but your arguments for not leaving are now sounding a little obsessive and a little like martyrdom to me.
I don’t agree at all. All things considered, I think I’m doing what I believe is best for myself, for my kids, and for W. It may not be what I would really like to do, and you may call that martyrdom if you wish, but I still see it as doing what I think is best for everybody involved.
Quote: It is not a personal failure to know your limits. It is a personal success to realize there is only so much you can do, and trying to do too much can cause you to fail at all of them. And I believe this is what you are doing. You are even failing at serving your God, though you think you are not. In fact, I could argue that by not taking any action, by not exercising your gift of free will, you are in concert with the devil and harming your own children. Worse yet, you are aware of this and try to deny it only for the sake of your principals and your own ego.
I agree; it’s not a failure to know your limits. But when did I ever say that? I do know my limits and I also know that they haven’t been reached yet. I also don’t see that I’m failing at the things I’m trying to do. Sure I’m something less than a smashing success at fixing my M, but who on the BB is? I also don’t believe that I’m harming my own children. They know their mother for what she is and they realize that I’m doing what I can to be a good father to them. In concert with my stepping back from doing so much animal stuff with W, I’ve been spending more time with the girls. I have good R’s with each of them. How is that failing? I don’t see that I’m failing God by remaining with W either. Earlier in the thread someone said that splitting wouldn’t end the girls’ pain, just change it. I agree. I don’t think that remaining in the M is in any way putting me in concert with the devil and harming my children. Maybe you should try explaining that one a bit more.
Quote: I am not trying to belittle you, but my point is that you have on some extremely tight blinders. You need to open yourself up to more possibilities that the strict dogma you picked up somewhere. It is one thing to hold to a higher moral ground as you suffer under a despot, but to cause your children to do so is crossing over into immorality. I think this is what everyone is seeing and trying to tell you. However your morality argument has effectively kept everyone at bay. To hell with morality when a child is being injured!
Again, I don’t see that my children would be any less harmed by ending the M. The C who has seen W for years, who knows me, and who has seen two of my girls, is in agreement with me. I don’t mean to belittle you either, but I put a little more weight on his opinion than I do on yours.
