Quote: But the question is, does applying humor help or hurt? If I make a joke of it, does that allow her to dismiss the genuine feelings behind the reply? Would I be better served by something like, “W, you know nothing’s going to happen. So why pretend?”
Humor immediately adds a layer of "this is funny, therefore it's not too important."
There are some situations in life that the humor should be held away from, at least until a later time. (HD, you had me cracked up.)
Don't pacify your own discomfort with laughter when speaking to your wife, because it will dilute your message.
I was kind of afraid of that. Historically, I have tended to use humor, in part because it's just natural to me, but also because laughing is better than crying. Joking about it allows me to mitigate my own pain. I’ve also kind of felt like humor allowed me to broach a painful subject in a non-threatening way. It’s hard to explain, but the feeling was that if I was too serious, then W would take it as an attack or as pointing out a shortcoming of hers and wouldn’t be too receptive. I felt like approaching it with a little humor would keep the subject on the table, but in a way that wasn’t really accusatory. All of which probably means that I was just indulging myself in my typical conflict avoiding ways and trying to rationalize it as the best approach.
But in any case, I've had this growing suspicion that since I joke about it, W doesn't think it's serious. Stopping the jokes is something I know I can do fairly easily. I think I’ll try it.
Just to back up what MrsNops said (like she needs backup)...I too used to tend to deal with our sitch with a sense of humor, it's my natural persona to do that, as you said (I say this all the time too) it's better than crying.
Especially during this last year though I have realized exactly what you and MrsNOps said, he didn't take me really seriously when I'd make a joke about it. Now, I don't. I either just look at him and don't say anything, or say something like "whatever", "prove it", or "I'll believe it when it happens." I don't say it in a joking manner either.
Just the mere fact that I don't make light of it anymore has at least seemed to give some gravity to the situation for him.
Z: My list came from my feeling of frustration for you and your situation. I didn't really think you'd use them. I agree with Ms.Nop: humor in such a situation would seem to suggest that it's not a serious problem. I think a serious statement is called for.
Hairdog, who always posts with this disclaimer: For amusement purposes only. Do not attempt this at home. Trained driver on closed test track. Taking advice from Hairdog may be hazardous to your health or your marriage.
"Hairdog, who always posts with this disclaimer: For amusement purposes only. Do not attempt this at home. Trained driver on closed test track. Taking advice from Hairdog may be hazardous to your health or your marriage."
He he. I can just hear you saying that sotto voce really fast at the end of every post.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I think there’s more to this than simply trying to avoid crying. In your situation, with a narcissistic wife, I see this a similar to behavior in a wolfpack, in which secondary members show submissiveness to the alpha male. Always trying to make a joke is a way not to inflame her, to pacify her and therefore not offend her and challenge her position of power. This may sound ridiculous for human relationship behavior, but remember who she is.
Each time you do this, you send a confirmation signal that you are on the defensive and she is in control. Even though you may be expressing your opinion on something, you are also saying, “That’s what I think… if its ok with you, but if not then that’s ok too, I didn’t really mean it, I was just saying….”
I wonder if she ever jokes with you? I’ll bet not. But does she joke with others? I bet so. Her joking with others is to keep appearances that all is well. Her not joking with you is to let you know that she is in charge and she won’t get down to your level. FWIW.
W does joke with me, but it's faaaaaar more common for me to be the one doing the joking. There may be some truth to what you say, but I've always been something of a clown - even way before meeting W.
Since this is my thread, I guess it isn't hijacking if I want to say something OT.
I'm going to be working off-site and without internet access for the rest of the week. Then I'm off for the whole week of Thanksgiving. So I won't be around until the 28th. That being the case, I want to wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving. I sincerely hope that by the time I get back here, you ALL have something in your R's to be happy about.
