I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your reply. You are a very insightful woman. I’m not sure there’s much to be said in reply. Your observations call for actions. But, hey, I’m going to write a response anyway.
Quote: She acts nicer in public because she cares to some extent how others perceive her.
Absolutely. In fact, it’s an obsession with her. It’s absolutely crucial that there be no outward evidence or acknowledgement of any problems. In fact, there can’t even be any indication that we’re less than perfect. One time when D14 was about 6 or 7, in response to a question about what she liked to do, she told somebody that she liked watching “Titanic”. W hit the ceiling because it made us look like bad parents for allowing a child to watch a movie with nudity in it. The fact that the daughter in question had never seen the movie didn’t really enter into the ceiling hitting. The big thing was what people would think of us.
I don’t want to get into one of those long posts where I quote every sentence or two and reply to each quotation, so let me just say that I do feel like I’m being used as a sub-character in a charade that W is performing for her benefit alone. I like your scenario for trying to communicate with W when she won’t talk too. And I really, really like your suggestion to tell her that the innuendo pains me and ask her what response she’s looking for. I will quote this one though:
Quote: ZB, what I am trying to say is this. Examine closely those things in your relationship that occur repeatedly. Start devising AND practicing some responses that are different from what you have always done. If you've looked blankly at her during those times, come up with some response and see what happens.
I’m quoting that one just to add that you’re right again. It’s easy for me to think about 180’s for major things, but I rarely consider that the principle applies equally to things like her public innuendos. Thank you.
I could pretty much quote your entire second post here for much the same reason. You are absolutely right. I really wasn’t always this way, but over the years and after many, many mental and emotional beatings, I’ve become such a defeatist. I need to remember that I do have options. Thanks you again. I've copied that entire post into my keeper file.
