Quote: W puts on an act as well. I've identified very well with your comments about how your H is more physical in public. W is too.
Somewhere there is a place for radical honesty from you regarding her actions. She acts nicer in public because she cares to some extent how others perceive her. From what you've expressed here, trying to get your wife to talk about squat is difficult/impossible.
I would consider thinking it through and trying to determine in your deepest self what you think and feel about her tendency to be more physical in public. If it helps get you through the day and you want it to continue status quo, then don't do or say anything.
OTOH, if you're tired of feeling that you're being used as a subcharacter in a charade that your wife is performing for her benefit alone, I think I would discuss it with her. Taking into consideration how your discussions seem to go, I would approach it recognizing how it's likely to go.
"Wife are you aware that when we are in pubic in front of other people you are more physically affectionate and/or sexual with me than you are at home in privacy?"
(Wait a moment for answer. If you get an answer, then go from there. I suspect you won't get an answer if she follows the usual procedure. If no answer after a moment then:)
"It's something that I've noticed for some time and I just don't understand. I enjoy experiencing your affection and/or touching (or whatever is happening), but I want to experience that at home, when it's just the two of us. When it occurs primarily in public, I feel as if it has nothing to do with your feelings about me and much to do with an appearance that you want to portray to others. I could be wrong, and would appreciate hearing your perception of this."
(If you get no response, or if she goes ballistic).
"While I would love to receive affection from you, I am not comfortable receiving it primarily in public and therefore I'm asking that you not do that anymore until we arrive at some sort of mutually understood resolution."
Quote:
I've also told you about the verbal innuendos haven't I? She even makes comments, raises eyebrows, and things like that to indicate normal sexual interest. You know, she’ll say something about the kids being gone and we’ll be home alone while doing the Groucho Marx thing with her eyebrows. But it’s all a front.
Have you ever asked her "why"? Have you ever told her, "You know it pains me whenever you do this sexual innuendo thing when I have longed for a closer, sexually relationship with you. Is there some response you would like to see from me in response to you when you do this?"
ZB, what I am trying to say is this. Examine closely those things in your relationship that occur repeatedly. Start devising AND practicing some responses that are different from what you have always done. If you've looked blankly at her during those times, come up with some response and see what happens.
I know that what you recently heard has been heart-rending. The positive I see in it is the ability to take a more realistic look at your situation. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Now you can stop looking for the magic combination. Instead you can start making the choices that will make your life more tolerable for you.
You've put a lot of effort in being a better ZB. Perhaps it is time to be a more assertive ZB. That doesn't mean controlling or anger. It means going outside of your own comfort zone and drawing some lines, determining some consequences, and finding the strength to carry them through. Obviously your wife is able to control herself in public. That lets you have some idea that getting some measure of that for yourself in your private life is possible.
I think the time to "play along" ended a long time ago.
