Lil, I second what you posted. If people "want to" do things usually they can achieve at some level. The ones that say they can't it is more of a a case they won't.
BB had clients where she worked that could not work because they were on drugs. To the employees there, it was more they were on drugs because the government gave them money to live on so they did not have to work.
Make adult people work to support them selves (I am all for SAMH and think more should stay home) and sometimes social problems solve them selves when people work and try to be part of something bigger than they are they cant manipulate. It drove me nuts not being able to work after my second major back injury, but that is me.
Quote: About the SAHM thing, I think that is part of your W's problem. She might benefit and improve her social skills if she is forced to interact properly with more people that she has less freedom to abuse without consequences that might affect her negatively.
Man, talk about an "a-HA!" moment of epiphany . . . wow, GREAT STUFF!
Choc, don't over do the work thing if you have kids at home. Number one job for couples is to raise children but sometimes for the mental health of the stay at home perent, part time work and interests are what is called for.
Acording to ZB, the misses spends lots of time with her passions and leaves the rest of the family to fend for them selves.
The way I look at it, 20 hours a week at a job where the worker gets paid or punished for what they do or don't do is better than working 40 hours a week at a job/hobby where there are few enforcable rules and little rewards that you can count and hold in your hand.
Working with DD kids and deliquents, Limited work hours, clear rules that were enforced, money in hand on pay day, worked better than allowing the kids to be at volunteer jobs with more hours. There they just were slackers and actually got worse.
We see 30 to 60 year old people with issues "as adults" but maybe they are 8 years old in certain parts of their brain. Narcistic? Maybe just being like a kid and never matured in that area.? I am no Phd. expert, just commenting on what little I saw.
Yes, we still have D18, D16, S12 and S9 at home, and working full-time isn't realistic for my W right now. I just found it fascinating that NOT being out in the workplace -- where things like tirades and hissy-fits and martyrdom aren't as socially acceptable -- might contribute greatly to some of the at-home behavior of some of our combustible Ws!
Quote: where things like tirades and hissy-fits and martyrdom aren't as socially acceptable
Right on brother. It works with deliquent kids about as well as therapy and costs less if the worker wants to be part of the social work group. Aren't most of us here on the forum just over aged kids with adult responsabilities?
Sorry everybody, I was out sick on Friday and missed a lot of stuff.
BF, I used to have a BMW GS, but alas, no more. But I’ve always dreamed of riding to the southern tip of Chile. Maybe one day after the kids are grown…
Lou, your post about working brought up several points. W has worked at a couple of jobs during our M and has been very successful each time. (She hasn’t worked enough to qualify for social security, though.) I’m sure W could get a job and support herself. She couldn’t afford to keep the house. She couldn’t afford to keep her menagerie. But she could support herself. I recognize that.
The other thing you bring up, something that others have jumped on is this:
Quote: About the SAHM thing, I think that is part of your W's problem. She might benefit and improve her social skills if she is forced to interact properly with more people that she has less freedom to abuse without consequences that might affect her negatively. (The dog thing does not count because volunteer jobs/people put up with a lot of crap. What are they gona do, dock her pay?) She knows you won't fire her but maybe her employer will and that might shape her up a little.
HP nailed my response to that – as I’ve seen with her past jobs, she’s a model employee, she just takes her stress out at home. Like she said, the problem is that W thinks it’s acceptable to treat us like dirt.
I also need to point out here that it’s easy to look at the spouses here in black and white. It’s easy to see them as only their bad points. In public, W is nearly always quite gregarious. If you were to meet us socially, you would never guess what things are like at home. Unless you were extremely perceptive, and I do mean extremely, you could be her best friend and it would probably still take you months before you began to recognize the things I’ve described here. She has a series of best friends that would back that up. But none of them seem to last more than a year at most. By that time, either they’ve begun to see the real W, or more likely, they’ve said or done something that made her mad and she’s cut them off. And I can tell you from experience that she never sees it that way. In her mind it’s always the former friend who ended the R.
But the point is that W is not this horrible, unbearable ogress. Quite the opposite. Most people really like W. She’s very successful in both work and social relationships. It’s only as the relationships grow closer that the problems begin to surface. It’s only then that she drops the mask and the real W starts to show through.
This statement (But the point is that W is not this horrible, unbearable ogress. Quite the opposite. Most people really like W. She’s very successful in both work and social relationships. It’s only as the relationships grow closer that the problems begin to surface. )
Describes my H to a "T" as well. I firmly believe what you say...most people wouldn't know what's going on in your home unless you told them, as you do us.
People view my LDH as the model H as well, no one would EVER know how much is lacking in our M....unless they were told. Even then I think most people wouldn't believe me because he tends to put on a show when others are around to see it. I don't think he's being false, I think he's just doing what he thinks he's supposed to do....if he'd continue that behavior when we are alone, we'd be doing much better.
I don't believe your W is an ogress....I do believe she's taken you and your situation for granted for far too long though.
W puts on an act as well. I've identified very well with your comments about how your H is more physical in public. W is too. I've also told you about the verbal innuendos haven't I? She even makes comments, raises eyebrows, and things like that to indicate normal sexual interest. You know, she’ll say something about the kids being gone and we’ll be home alone while doing the Groucho Marx thing with her eyebrows. But it’s all a front.
