ZB, Since physical separation is out, why not an in-house separation?
Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you are DONE trying to have a relationship with her. Move into another bedroom. Have as little contact with her as you can. When the kids are grown, request that she get a job so that you can separate finances. Find ways to deal with your own loneliness that do not involve her.
If she is truly as awful as you are painting her out to be (with the backup of multiple counselors) then I see no point in continuing to enable her behavior by giving her a loving husband to use for her own purposes, when it suits her.
And I could not agree with Corri more. True, the physical abuse situation might not be an issue since they are big now, but the verbal abuse is most certainly ongoing and is every bit as damaging. Separating yourself from her, as much as possible under the same roof, will send the message to your kids that it's okay to dissociate from her. They must be awfully confused kids, trying to honor a mother who basically uses them.
Will you always live under the same roof as her? I'm thinking that a physical separation once the kids are gone might be a good idea.
Too bad.
Awfully sorry for you, ZB. Must have been hard to hear that put so bluntly in the counselor's office.
