Quote: Does she seem to have even a slightly accurate picture of her own personality? Does she admit to any character flaws? For example, does she admit to having a serious temper problem? Or does she just think she occasionally flies off the handle but it's no big deal?
W does recognize that she has a problem with anger, but it’s the only problem she acknowledges and even then, she doesn’t seem to grasp the magnitude of it. In her mind the problem lies somewhere in between the two extremes you mentioned. She thinks that she occasionally flies off the handle and she recognizes that she can act inappropriately when she does. She admits that she can and should handle it better, but she still feels justified and doesn’t think it’s that big a deal.
And I don’t think I ever said that I though it was good for the kids to stay with her. As they’ve gotten older and less dependent on her, they’ve pretty well separated their lives from her. Other than sleeping under the same roof, they pretty much avoid her. One D is gone to college, another one will be next year, and the youngest one is unbelievably good at making herself scarce. Since I can’t/won’t leave W and since we can’t afford any other arrangements, I think they’re doing the best they can under the circumstances. Like I said, I soak up the vast majority of the vitriol and shield them from it. They know what their mother is like and they just do their best to avoid her.
Blackie, I can’t/won’t put here out. She’s a 48 year old, lifelong SAHM and has no means of supporting herself. In our present sitch, I can’t afford to support two households. Heck, I can barely support one. But even so, I simply can’t throw her out. It’s part religious, part personality, and part I-don’t-know-what, but I can’t. My feelings of being responsible for W played a big part in my coming back to her after the D. You (that’s a generic you directed at everybody on the BB) can argue all you want, you can point out a host of fallacies in my thinking, you can tell me I’m wrong, …, but it doesn’t make any difference. I can’t/won’t do it.
Quote: I understand and respect your beliefs on staying in a marriage. Given that I don't know what your religion is... have you talked to your pastor/minister/priest about the sitch? Or is this a view you hold as your own and it wouldn't matter what your religious leader said to you?
Corri, no I haven’t talked to my pastor. But my C has two doctorates; in addition to the doctorate in a psychology, he’s also an ordained minister with a doctorate in theology. In any case, my own beliefs in this area are pretty strong. It would take some convincing to change them.
Quote: I know as a kid in an abusive situation, I used to pray nightly that one of my parents would rescue me. It really killed me when I found out that my mother had a suspicion that something was amiss and she didn't do anything about it. DO NOT BE WEAK WITH THIS WOMAN. If not for yourself, then for your kids.
Regardless of what you do personally with your wife, I do hope that you become a solid brick wall between your W and your kids, no holds barred, zero tolerance. They need you.
All I can say here is that I’m doing my absolute deal-level best. The physical abuse stopped years ago, so they’re not in any physical danger. I’ve avoided saying bad things about W, but I have talked to each of the girls and they understand that their mother isn’t normal. I’ve made a point of being there for them, going to band contests and concerts, supporting their drill team stuff, and going to football practice and matches. (Yes, I know it’s soccer over here, but I just can’t get used to that). I’ve also made special effort to spend father-daughter time with them, both individually and collectively. I’m doing everything I can to counteract W’s venom and I’m doing my best to be that brick wall.
Quo, Stigmata, Chrissy, SD, et al,
In all honesty, I do truly believe that at this point in time, what the C suggested is the best option. I think SD said it best.
Quote: Teenage fantasies of parents splitting are a bit romanticized and can't compare with the reality of a split. I'm sure the kids are miserable in a lot of ways, but that doesn't make them unique. A split would change the flavor of that misery, but not cure it. I do think it's critical to have an adult validating their reality, confirming that their mother's behavior is not healthy or acceptable.
For now, I’m just going to have to go with that. I’m just having a hard time coming to terms with the idea that the sitch will probably never change. I’ve been so energized by what I’ve read and what I’ve seen on this BB, that I’ve just known that if I could change myself and change the way I interact with W, that it would change the sitch. It’s hard to accept that nothing I can do will make any difference. In fact, I haven’t accepted it. I guess that was what I was looking for when I started this thread. I was looking for some assurance that I do still have some power to change things. I felt so hopeless when I left the C that I was just looking for some hope to grab onto.
Sorry, this was so long. Let me chew on what you’ve said for a while and I might have more.
