Come to think of it, you probably just reversed the numbers 32 and 23 since we get 23 from the woman and 23 from the man. Ok, I'm done wasting Z-Bube's "space" Lol
Quote: Upon further reflection, I have a couple more comments... Z-Bube, you are in such a tough situation, and I recognize that. My heart indeed goes out to you. You are faced with several unacceptable choices, and to me your task is to figure out the one that will cause the least damage to the innocent."
--Spot on, Corri. And further reflection here as well. I see where your C is coming from. He is weighing the cost-benefit ratio of keeping your family together during the notoriously turbulent teen/early adult years versus the split/rift perpetual ripple effect of stigmatizing the children with the "broken family" label.
The dime is standing on edge and can fall either way as to this regard. Which is the lesser of the 2 evils? Do you sacrifice on the altar the childrens' self-esteems ad infinitum into the future to spare the trauma of D'ing parents? Where they may feel responsible for the split somehow, start to rebel, and internalize negative feelings from shame about their now broken family?
Or do you explain to the children that an S, possibly D, is needed to calm the turbulent waters of an anger out of control? Thus edifying, or at the very least, stopping the dismantling of the kids' self-identification and feelings of worth?
Catch-22 and I feel for you. And, yes, to Blackie's point, putting her out is favorable in lieu of acting like some kind of Craig T. Nelson from "Poltergeist", grabbing the children and hauling azz out of there while the W's storm of anger collapses the house around her.
She is projecting negativity in what could be an harmonious home. The negativity needs to be removed...either by her own efforts or by her being asked to leave, thus taking it with her.
Doesn't mean you don't still love her. Maybe some time by herself away from the kids will show her that children are meant to be cherished, bolstered/praised, with a firm yet gentle hand of discipline thrown in; not an anger-clouded hand wielding a wooden spoon.
And maybe some time away alone will allow her to break free, or at least become less obfuscated, of her own narcissistic tendencies.
Good luck and weigh it all carefully. And please make sure the kids are on board/informed through the process and keep counteracting her criticisms of your kids with examples of how proud/impressed you are with each one's uniqueness/talents.
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
I would have to agree that getting out or making her get out may be the best solution for your children.
Your C was one step shy of calling your wife an unfit mother. Obviously her abusive behavior is something that worries him. That he would want/or feel you need to form a strong barrier between her and your children. Sounds to me if it were not for his code of confidentiality he may be inclined to call Child Welfare on her. And his wanting you to work on your relationship with your children. To me signifies he feels they need to be aware of your support and feel confident that you will protect them.
Let me tell you one thing. As a adult it is terrible to not feel safe in your own home. As a child it is terrifying.
"Come to think of it, you probably just reversed the numbers 32 and 23 since we get 23 from the woman and 23 from the man."
--As Ned Reyerson says In Groundhog Day--BING!
Inverted. 23 pairs of chromosomes...whoops!
--And if I were an atheist my dyslexia would mean I didn't believe in Dogs.
-Stigmata-
Ok, I'm done wasting Z-Bube's "space" Lol
PS--Me too.
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
Quote: Sounds to me if it were not for his code of confidentiality he may be inclined to call Child Welfare on her.
Where I come from, child welfare trumps confidentiality. If the T thought that the kids were in danger, he would be obligated to report it. That's not my take on what he's saying.
Z-bube has been around here for ages and now y'all are getting all up in arms and telling him to run for cover because his W used to hit the kids.
Teenage fantasies of parents splitting are a bit romanticized and can't compare with the reality of a split. I'm sure the kids are miserable in a lot of ways, but that doesn't make them unique. A split would change the flavor of that misery, but not cure it. I do think it's critical to have an adult validating their reality, confirming that their mother's behavior is not healthy or acceptable.
Z-bube, it's a tough spot and it must be disheartening to hear the T's opinion. He may be wise and experienced and trusted, but he doesn't have a crystal ball. He may well be right, but no one knows for sure. Take what is useful from the information he gave you and do what you think is best.
SD, My reason for saying that was not because of the previous anger towards the children. I previously felt that way. Since a C told him it was hopeless, and spoke of the need to still protect the children from her, and because she runs the house without consequence, I now felt ok saying what I would do given this scenario.
ZB has acknowledged and been confirmed by the C for his part in her entrenched behavior. The only way she can see/feel/ have a remote chance for anything positive IMO is to put her out. It is a disciplinary move, that done in love my have a chance. If it doesnt, there was no chance anyway.
Though I did say that sounds like getting out may be the best answer. I did not state I felt it was the only answer, Zub has made it clear this is not a option for him.
I worked for child welfare as a foster parent for a few years. They rarely acted upon anything that could not easily be used in court. C records are one of those things that is hard to get entered into court. At least in this state. Hospital medical records were easy and used often.
I have all 54 of my chromosomes thank you very much. 