Thank you all for your thoughtfulness. My father is strengthening but is in fragile shape. Our family is counting our blessings, and I am, too, feeling somewhat stronger, recognizing that at any moment life can rapidly change here, with two elderly parents. There have been a few remarkable shifts in the family dynamics, and I also sense a change in me personally ( yup, I am finally growing up). I have learned that when under severe stress my body will just shut down...I am starting to wake up again, which is nice. I decided not to take the antidepressant and just take things day to day.
Sexually, both H and I have not felt a whole lot of passion...we are back to friendship mode, but I want to change this soon. I am going to set a weekend goal to get things back on track and I am happy to be posting here again.
Well I did it...I brought up the sex issue. Told him that after all the work we have done, I don't want to stay set back. It does bother me that I have to be the one to get things started again, but it's just the way it is. We still have so much work to do...really he has work to do...he still has the mood fusion with me; whatever my mood is, he reacts. I can't do that work for him, just as I have to learn to be strong in the face of my father's deterioration. Our whole family is so reactive with poor boundaries....gotta keep working on this.
Anyway, we decided to try to ML on Sat nite even though we both are in low libido states. Should be fun.
I think it is great with all you have on your plate right now you are seeing the importance of things that most of us just put off as something that can be tended to once all this is over.
he still has the mood fusion with me; whatever my mood is, he reacts
This is got to be one of the hardest things for you. My H is simular. And gosh knows it would be nice sometimes if I was down and my H tried to bring me up instead of just being down also. It is hard to always be the one who has to not only turn there own mood around but someone elses. I feel for you on that one.
Saturday is still pretty far off why did you pick that day? Maybe to make it more fun you could just be off the cuff and do it tonight or tomorrow out of the blue. Though I do the scheduled min amount of sex a month I don't think I could set days and times. That would feel more of a obligation then a act of love. But that is just me.
Hi Chrissy... Since neither of us is feeling all that playful or spontaneous, we need some sort of plan to get things going. There is an obligatory feel to it, but better to address the issue than avoid. I am going to work on channeling some sexual vibes over the next few days, which will hopefully signal to H to do his thing. It does bother me that I am overly responsible for setting the tone in the relationship.
Journey, I know it bugs you, but step into his shoes for a moment. It is *your* father that is ill and H may not want to be the one to take the focus off your dad and onto the sexual relationship. Perhaps he feels this is in bad taste and that it would offend you.
I think if you worked on sending out "I'm okay, let's get happy together" signals, he would reciprocate.
While it's true that you may have been responsible for setting the tone in the past, there might be a different dynamic at work this time that looks the same, but is not motivated by the same stuff. He may be acting this way out of politeness and concern for you, but it looks like he's setting the ball in your court.
Send out those signals and I'll betcha the relief at having you back will be quickly evident.
HP... Thank you for taking the time to reframe my H's actions in a positive way. Those old resentments of H allowing the relationship to wither away have resurfaced, which isn't going to help me along. I have to remember that there was a reason I married a laid-back kind of guy ( can't have anything to do with my intense, emotional nature, now can it?). Anyway...I am working on having a sexy and fun attitude for Sat.
H did a nice thing yesterday. He surprised me with a cute outfit from Victoria Secret for Sat. nite. This is really out of the box for him, as he doesn't like lingerie, particualrly anything overly sexy, and is doing this for me. It was a thoughtful and appreciated gesture.
