I hate to tell you this...but what you've described is my H to a "T". He's not gay, if I arouse him everything works...but I'm always the one to have to start things off (in some way). Now as to YOUR daughter. I understand what you are saying, that he is the only "father" she's ever known...but do not go forward with the adoption proceedings until and if you marry. You do not want to add that complication to the mix if things do not work out.
That's not to say you would have to cut him out of her life if things don't work out, if they are close it's completely up to you if they have contact.
The only reason I say this is from what you say...he sounds much like my H and well....nothing much has changed with us in nearly 3 years. HE has to make a choice to step up and make changes that are lasting....all too often IMPO the changes that take place are temporary and simply do not last.
Be VERY prepared for this process to take a long time, be very prepared for the possibility that what you want may not ever happen....be VERY prepared for many disappointments to come your way. If you can ready yourself for these things, steele yourself for some very frank no-holds-barred communication with him and, entrench yourself for a long hard battle.....you might come out on the other end a much healthier and happier couple who is able to work through their problem or at the minimum come to a compromise that you can live with. But you really need to put some thought into this and be honest with yourself....if what he's providing you with now is the best he will ever do, is it something you can live with for the rest of your life? Unfortunately the sad fact is....that is your possible future, you need to be very honest with yourself.
Many people, when confronted with the SSM issue, will initially put up a front for the discontented SO in the R saying "they will do what it takes to fix the problem" or something else similar....and we buy it....but they don't follow-through. Be prepared to call him out on his promises if he doesn't follow-through on them (ie: the Dr.'s appointment).
My H became infamous for his course of action in "fixing" our problem...which was inaction. He made me many promises...but NEVER followed through. Not until I told him we either do xyz...or we won't have another anniversary. Even still...another 1.5 years down the road....he only makes real efforts when he knows I've reached the end of my proverbial rope once again...and then they are only temporary.
I know I sound like Mrs. Doomngloom here...but what I'm trying to give you is simple honesty. The cold hard fact of what you may be facing...so you can prepare yourself for what you have to deal with. There are people out there who have had some success with LDH's/ LDBF's....so I'm not trying to say it can't happen, just trying to prepare you for the fact that if you do have success...it most likely will not happen quickly, it's going to take time, it's going to take a lot of understanding from you, and it's going to take buttloads of perseverance from you as well.
I'm here pulling for you and wishing you the absolute best! GEL
