Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Not having a very good day. I don't know what's wrong. Everything I suppose. I just feel very empty inside.

S10 and S6 are back in school (their spring break was last week), and S1 is getting over pneumonia. He didn't have an ear infection like I thought he might have had, but I had to take him to the doctor twice. His doctor was away, so we saw two different doctors. I didn't really care for the first...felt he was too impatient with S1 (who doesn't like to be touched by strangers which is normal for his age). The second doctor agreed with the first and said she couldn't find anything wrong with S1 but took a swab to check for strep throat and ordered a chest x-ray just to be sure although she said he sounded very clear.....Sure enough, there it was! Pneumonia. I think we caught it right at the start. So he's on amoxicillin and feeling much, much better. Thank goodness.

H is in Chicago. He left Easter morning.

Sometimes I feel that I should've just filed for D a loooong time ago. I feel like I've been wasting my time trying to make things better between us by changing my ways and bettering myself...which is good for me, yes...but H is still the same. He hasn't changed, and I know that I have no control over that.....I guess what I'm asking myself is am I ok with that? Am I ok with how he is? I don't think I am.

There was something that happened between us last week. I'm not going to reveal it though. I will say that it made me take a long HARD look at everything.

Some other things that came out after that incident....just more "I wish I would've got out a long time ago", "You're a f***ing b****", and "I would call what we had coexisting". H also revealed that sometimes he believes that he really hates me.....all of this was said to me after I blew up when he drove drunk with the kids in the car....but somehow, it was my fault because I wanted them home by 6pm that evening...."Look. YOU wanted them home by 6, so here they are."

That wasn't the "incident" either. His drunk driving was nothing in comparison to the other thing. Extremely hard to believe, I'm sure.

I blew up and told him if he ever put my boys in danger again, that would be the last time he ever saw them. I don't care if he is their father. I will do whatever it takes to keep him away from them.

After the incident, I called his sister. Before he left, he said I had better not talk to her or his mom about this. He said, "They don't need to know. They don't need to worry about anything."

Ohhh, so only I get to worry and be hurt, right? Put it all on me. Let me go through all of this sh*t alone.

Well, talking to his sister....I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. She told me try not to worry, she would talk with him. I can understand if she was trying to comfort me somehow, but I just didn't feel that she was taking this very seriously. I had talked to MIL awhile back about something very similar, and she pretty much did the same thing....more or less blew it off. "Oh, he's been like that since he was 16. He used to say this and that all the time. He's so full of it."

Well, if his own family doesn't seem to really care, then why should I? Why do I still care? After everything I have heard and seen come from him, why do I still care?

H was talking D again a few days ago...and I think I'm ready to agree with him on that...but just yesterday, he called from Chicago and told me that he loves me. I said nothing. Just told him the kids would talk with him tomorrow(today).

He apologized to me at least a few dozen times before his departure for all that has happened between us. I just said ok. I do not believe anything that he says anymore. I told him that he could call to talk with the kids but not with me, and when he returns, if he wants to see them, I will drop them off at MIL's, and I will pick them back up from her. H is no longer welcome around me. I'm sure I won't feel this way forever, but this is how it is for now.

I've been slacking on the treadmill....gotta get back on. I haven't had much time to work on my studies either. Have to make more time for that, too. I've been an emotional and mental wreck, so it's been very difficult to focus on alot.

Now I need to go focus on S1. Thanks for listening.