Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Not much has changed in the last few days. H and I haven't really talked much lately although we did have an R talk a couple of days ago. It wasn't good...nothing seems to be going well lately.

Pretty much, H said he doesn't have it in him to work at this M anymore. He said he wants to be happy, and he wants me to be happy, too, but he doesn't know what I want from him.

I told him, "Your TIME...That's what I've been telling you for the past 8 or 9 months...even longer than that...and I don't know how else I can possibly explain it to you....You don't seem to understand me, and I don't know what else to do."

Another thing....I'm feeling upset about how I'm taking care of the kids all by myself. My PMA isn't what it was 2 or 3 months ago. Since H got his new job, he doesn't help with them anymore. He can't. He's working all the time. He used to have them every other weekend and once during the week....that really helped me out. I need those small breaks, but now, I'm very lucky if I get one or two evenings to myself each month, and that's only if my parents or MIL take all three of the boys overnight.

I was able to go out and have some fun mingling with ADULTS.

Yes, I'm complaining, I know. I love my children, without a doubt, but I do need time to myself every so often. When H and I were still a "couple", he would give me that. He would let me go and do whatever I wanted for a day while he stayed with the kids (before S1 was born). I really looked forward to those times.

Anyway, my sister P asked if I wanted to go along with her, her H, and their D4 to Disneyland in a couple of weeks. I thought that would be a great idea, so I asked my mom if she would watch S1 so that I could take S10 and S6. She agreed ! I've been wanting to take the kids there for a looooong time but never have because H always wanted me to wait until we could all go together. Well, sorry, not only do the kids deserve this, but so do I. I'm not waiting for him any longer.

So I called to let him know about my plans, and as usual, he asks what it's going to cost. I told him I didn't know yet, but I would let him know as soon as I compared prices online. I told him that P was going to pay for the room, so all I'd have to pay for would be our tickets, food, etc, and since P and her H would be paying for gas to get us there, I would most likely treat for lunch/dinner a couple of times.

H said, "So what is this going to cost me then? $500? $600? $1000? What?.....I really don't have the money, but oh well. Whatever."



Why can't I just live a little?

There is $XXX,XXX in the accounts....but HE doesn't have it.

I'm not asking for a grand....I'm not asking for 5 grand....I'm just asking to be able to go out and enjoy LIFE, and yes, it costs some money.

About a year and a half ago, I won a jackpot while playing poker. H said that I could do whatever I wanted with my winnings. So I paid for all of us (H, me, and the boys) to go to Maui for my sister P's wedding. I had never been anywhere before other than Reno, Tahoe, and Vegas. I was sooo looking forward to this trip.

It was a miserable one. All H did was complain about where we stayed (we shared a rental with my parents) and said he would never have paid to go there.

H was involved with his EA during this time. He was hardly around me. He was always going off somewhere with his cellphone. Of course, now I know why.

Anyway, I thought it was beautiful there, and someday I'd like to go back...but without the kids . We were too limited in what we could do with them being there.

So that trip cost me about $4000 from my winnings, and all H could say was "what a waste of money."

I really don't feel that I ask for too much from him, but apparently I'm wrong. He has no time to give me, and asking to be able to live and enjoy life is too much, too. He can't just say, "That sounds so great! I know the kids will love that! Have a great time!" No....that's me wishing for too much.

(Sigh).....But I AM going to take them....whether he likes it or not. They deserve it, and so do I. I could really use this PMA boost.

I'm sure this is going to cause some more problems, but I haven't come across anything that's too much for me to handle. Not yet .

Thanks for listening.