Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Hey there, Pink.

So..this isn't really about Don, it's about being notified that someone was going to call at your house and you may not be appropriatly dressed or whatever....That's fair enough. I would have been furious if my H turned up with a workman to do a job without informing me.

It is about B, and it isn't.

Like I said, I'm not ready to be around B again. Not yet, but I know in time I'll be over it. I just need time.

But you're right...it isn't just about him either. MANY days, I'm not looking very appropriate for visitors to come into my home because of S1. I don't get to take my shower until he's ready for his nap which is around 10am...sometimes even later than that . There's no one to keep an eye on him if I were to take one while he's awake, and believe me...he gets into EVERYTHING !!! He's only a year old and he knows how to undo the safety locks on the cabinets and drawers .

He doesn't sound like a good friend for either of you. I suggest you let H find that out for himself. I don't blame you for wanting to distance yourself....

Well, H has a history with him....they've been friends for nearly 15 years and have been through a lot of good times as well as bad times together. There's nothing those two wouldn't do for each other. Nothing.

B is always willing to help us out with things around the house...repairs and such...he is a nice, decent guy....so I will give him that much....but I feel betrayed by him. B knew that H was messing around but didn't say a word to me or to H....I know it's not B's fault for what H was doing, but I don't know. I just feel like he's not a true friend.

But he's H friend....has been for a very long time....and I know he's not going anywhere. I just need time before I feel ok with him being over here.

When H asked you if he was ALLOWED to bring Don over it does sound like you make the rules.

Ok, he didn't literally ask if he was allowed. H's exact words were, "So B can never come over again?"

But I do see what you're saying. H is basically asking for permission, right?

I suppose when I told him that I didn't want B over here, I must have made it sound like a rule. I was only trying to stand my ground with him, but perhaps I was trying too hard??? I wanted to be sure he understood.

But I did tell him I wouldn't feel that way forever. I would get over it with some time.

But that's the one thing H never gives me......TIME.

The way he prods and teases you is almost like your H is a teenager having fun with you rather than a loving supportive partner.

THANK YOU!!! That's PRECISELY how he is!

I'm not the only one who sees this. MIL and SIL see it and say it about him all the time.

He's an overgrown child! And he doesn't just tease me...he does this to the kids, too. He doesn't do it as much anymore with them (most likely because he's not around enough)....it caused ALOT of arguments between us....but I don't know. It's like he gets a huge kick out of seeing S10 aggravate the he** out of S6.... ....then when S6 comes crying to me about it for the 5th time, that's when I get upset with H. The boys are just kids....they do what they're told (for the most part )....but H....how can he be so mature and responsible when it comes to taking care of his responsibilities/duties yet be sooooo childish when it comes to interacting with his sons and his W? I can understand playing in general...playing on the kids' level...but he just takes it tooooo far and he doesn't know when to stop!

What you are doing is not working Val. You have asked him to stop, he hasn't. Time to try something else.....Don't ask or expect anything of him. Ignore him when he makes childish remarks...walk away give him No attention for doing it....he'll soon get the hang of the fact that when he acts ina childish way he gets a blank response.....ignore him.

I HAVE tried this. I have said nothing at times....walked away at others.

But when I do this, he follows me around and asks why I'm ignoring him or says, "I'm just playing with you. F***, lighten up!"

Clearly his idea of playing is far different than mine...you don't poke fun at others...that's just rude!

So I've talked to him, and it doesn't stop. I've ignored him and tried walking away, and that doesn't work either.

Any suggestions? What if I just stand there and look at him with a blank look on my face? Or maybe just smile and do nothing else?

You know what? I can't do that. I cannot stand or sit there and let him hurt me like that. I can't let him do this s**t to me and especially to my children. He loves them so much, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for them, so why can't he stop teasing them? Why get them started with each other? Why ask one of them, "Who do you think would win in a fight between you and (S6)?"...or vice versa?

WHY????

I once wrote that things are much calmer in the house since he's been out of it...and I meant it. They are. S10 and S6 still have their little spats every now and then, but they're not instigated by an adult, and anyway, they're brothers. They will do that stuff from time to time.

I just don't know what else to do to get H to REALLY SEE AND KNOW what his "playing around" does. It's almost as if he doesn't care about how he makes others feel. He's having fun.



Thanks for listening.