Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Hi, Don and Pink. Thank you for your visits!

Don ~

Would I have been prepared to see B if H called like he said he would? Hmmm....that depends. If H called and said that he'd be over in about 30 minutes, yes I would've been ready for that. It would've given me time to get myself and S1 ready to go somewhere so that I could just say "hi" and "bye" as I was coming or going. I wasn't feeling well that morning either, remember? Not that that's an excuse or anything for my mood. I just mean that I wasn't dressed and ready to leave the house when they showed up.

But if H called and said they were right around the corner, then no. It probably wouldn't have made any difference because I clearly told him to give me plenty of notice before B was to come over, and telling me he's less than 1 minute away isn't very considerate. I still think of that as showing up unannounced.

Of course, I knew that seeing B at some point was going to be a possibility. I knew that. When H asked if B wasn't ever going to be allowed over again, I told him that I didn't say forever, just not now. I'm not ready to welcome him back into my home. Not after finding out that he knew about what H was doing...but H didn't give me that chance, did he? He didn't give me the time I needed to get over the B issue. He just brought him over. Totally disregarded our agreement. What can I do?

I don't feel that I make the rules, Don. The only rules I make are the ones I expect my boys to follow.

Wait....now that I'm thinking about this even more, I do have rules...or maybe I'm trying to make them. What kind of rules? How about some that have to do with respecting my feelings? Because I believe that to be a big problem right now. It actually has been for a long time. I feel like H doesn't listen to me, so he doesn't care. He says he does, but I feel otherwise.

So what am I to do? Do I continue to talk to him and express myself, my wishes, my feelings? Then afterwards tell myself, "Ok....I told him...but chances are, he really didn't hear me....So I better prepare myself for disappointment/frustration/hurt again...and again...and again....."

It's the same with the sex thing. I've told him I really don't like certain things, but he still pushes for them. He's not listening.

He continues to point out any little imperfection I have...when it's about a week before that time of the month for me, I often break out. It's bad enough that I still have to get a pimple here and there in my 30s, but it's even worse when he walks right up to my face and says something that's just plain rude..."Damn, what is that? A pimple? Get rid of it."... ...As if I wanted to keep it.

Then there's my belly, too (umm, excuse me, H...I've had 3 children...not every one of us ladies can return to our pre-pregnancy figures). He pokes it. He thinks he's being cute, but I don't.

He does these things even though I've told him a hundred times not to. By bringing attention to my flaws, he makes me feel so self-conscious all the time.

So yeah....I have expectations...I have rules for H, and they are to be respectful of me and my feelings.

He is hurting me every time he doesn't listen...every time he picks at me...every time he calls me a you know what.

Does he have ANY real respect for me?

How can I respect myself if I continue to allow him to break those rules? Cross those boundaries?

(Sigh)....I imagine that I'm feeling pretty stressed out, too, right now. I've hardly had any me time at all lately. Haven't been able to go out and have a life outside of the kids and home. H doesn't have the kids over anymore. He can't. He works all the time, and family only helps out when they're free which hasn't been very much these past 2 months.

I'm doing this alone...raising 3 children alone....pretty much have been for nearly 4 years now. I never thought I'd be in this position.

I'm tempted to ask my parents if they could watch the kids for a few days...maybe even a week...just so I could go away and enjoy myself. Doesn't matter what or where. I just really need a break. I'm exhausted....but if I did something like this, I'm sure it would cost some money, so I'll just forget it.


Pink ~

I'm sorry! It's so much more later than I thought! I will reply to your post tomorrow.

Thanks for listening.