Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Thank you so much, Bowtech. I really do appreciate your understanding and support.

I just really need to vent right now.

H came up to me a few moments ago and asked what my problem was. I told him that I'm not happy with how this turned out. I thought he understood me, told me he did.

H wanted to talk, I didn't. I asked him to please leave me alone. This is me...this is what I need to cool down...and this is a problem for H. He CANNOT do this. He will push and push the issue at hand because he feels it needs to be discussed and resolved at THIS very moment. NOW. NOT LATER.

I need time to chill out. I have always been this way, probably always will be. It gives me time to think about what's going on and what I can do to make it better for BOTH of us.

But H NEVER gives me that time....that time to just let me be.

I didn't want to talk, he did. Finally out of frustration I told him that I felt he wasn't really listening to me. The one thing I asked him to do...notify me before B came here....he didn't do it. He said he would, but he didn't. Just like every other time he ever told me he would do something and never did. There have been so many times where I compromised, but H couldn't stick to the plan. Feels like the same old, same old.

Anyway, he got angry just now and flung one of the kids' video cassette cases across the living room....says I'm giving him BS, doesn't have the energy to argue with me (but seems to have the energy to get physical...what else is new?), and says "let's just sell the house and split everything!" And I believe I even heard him murmur "ungrateful b****" under his breath.

H says he loves me and wants to work it all out and be a family, but the very second he gets upset, he wants to be done with this BS.

He just left. H and B went to get a different toilet. I feel I should just leave so I don't have to look at either one of them when they return, but I'm not feeling well. I woke up with a sinus headache this morning, and it's almost S1's naptime, too.

I'm not giving up. I've been at this for too long, and I know it's just another big bump in the road, but I also won't take this crap forever either.

Just venting.....thanks again.