Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Things have been going well between H and I over the past week. He's called every morning just to wish the boys and me a good day, and he's called every evening as well. We chit chat for a bit, flirt a little here and there, and he continues to end our calls with "ILY"s.

Got the new tires I asked for, too. They were placed on the truck on Thursday, and I had them change the oil, too, since I was there. But I had to go back the next day because my truck was leaking oil when it never had before! Turned out that a valve wasn't cleaned out properly the first time. Anyway, the guys at the shop fixed the problem but also discovered that there's a leak in the power steering return line . No biggie though. They estimated the repair cost to be about $80. I told them I would have to talk to my H about it (must get all expenses cleared with him first).

So I talked to H later that evening, and he said to go ahead and get it taken care of. "$80 is nothing. Get it fixed. You didn't have to ask me, but I do appreciate you doing it anyway. Thanks." So I'll try to get that done on Wednesday if MIL can watch the kids after school for me. I'm sure she will.

When we talked Saturday, I had mentioned how the new season of "The Sopranos" was starting Sunday....both H and I are fans....He said, "Really? Damn, I didn't know. I hardly ever watch TV anymore because I work so much." I asked him to have (mf) record the episodes so I could watch them.....When H worked for his previous boss doing the dish satellite installs, we used to get pay channels (HBO, Cinemax, etc.) for free because (ex-boss) would pay for the service. Since H doesn't work for him anymore, no more free stuff , so we only have basic channels now. I don't really watch that much TV anyway, but I did like having HBO....So anyway, H said he would, and I said thanks.

Well yesterday, H came over unexpectedly. I was just about done with my shower when he came into the bathroom, and...well...you know .

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that. I mean, at first it was great...like it always has been...but then, as usual, he wanted to do things his way... ...It's not necessarily terrible or kinky....It's just not romantic, gentle, or loving to me.

Ok, let me put it this way. It's something you would see done in a porn video, and to me, when H wants to do some of that stuff, I feel like an object, if that makes any sense. I feel like I'm being used although I know I'm not. H enjoys doing some of those things, but I do not. I've just tolerated it for him....and I don't want to do it anymore. I'm tired of it.

He asked me if he could do something, and I said no. He asked again, and I still said no. He asked one more time with a please, but again, I said no. So that was that. He didn't say anything afterward, but I think he might have been wondering about it. He asked me, "Are you mad at me?" I kind of gave him a puzzled look and said, "No. Why would I be mad at you?" H said he didn't know. He didn't plan on doing anything with me. He said he just didn't want me to think that he was trying to seduce me or anything else like that. I told him I wasn't thinking any of that, and I was perfectly fine with what we just did.

Yes, I know I wasn't, but I didn't want to tell him that (I know someone probably wants to jump down my throat about this -- "How is H supposed to know how you really feel if you don't tell him?")....I was more than fine with it once we started, but then...you know.

Anyway, H told me he had a surprise for me. We went into the living room, and guess what? He added HBO to our service ! He told me that he already set the DVR to record "The Sopranos" for me.

I know every inch of him like the back of my hand, but sometimes he still manages to throw me for a loop !

We talked later last night, and he asked me if I had watched the show yet, but I hadn't. I said, "I'll probably watch it tomorrow....You know I didn't even realize that this is Season 6. I didn't even see any of Season 5." (This was because of the bomb....stopped doing and/or watching many of the things we enjoyed together.) H said he didn't know that. He said, "Well now I know what I'm getting you next." I told him no if he was thinking of buying the series on DVD. Aren't they almost $100? Anyway, I told him to just ask (mf) if he had it taped (he usually does) and if I could just borrow it. H said, "Shhh...don't. Just don't worry about it."

I wasn't really worried about it, but ok.

Hmmm.....is H possibly beginning to lighten up just a tad bit about money? The truck needing repair (he would do this anyway, but the positive here is that he didn't gripe about it), adding HBO back onto our service, and thinking about spending $100 on DVDs? This certainly is something new...I'm almost baffled .

Thanks for listening.