Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Hello there, Don ~

There is clearly so much hurt and pain from the past. I don't need to tell you that but it is very easy to see it. It is that hurt and pain that has to be worked through and gotten past.

Yes there is, and I know I have to work through it.

This is my therapy. Coming here and releasing it. H won't approve of a C ($$$), so this is where I come for it.

I don't think about all the crap I've dealt with all the time. It just comes to me when I'm here rambling.

He in no way should have ever talked to you like that....You must in the future if ever he even starts to get close - put a stop to it. Tell him he CANNOT speak to you like that, that it is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. This you must do for you.

Easier said than done.

I have told him in the past not to talk to me that way, but everytime, he would just....I don't know...."close" in on me....get in my face....make me feel little....and I felt like there was nothing I could do but sit there and just take what he had to say.

He hasn't talked to me like that in a long time, and he's said that he doesn't want to talk to me like that ever again. He said he never realized just how awful he has been.

He's said this stuff to me before, but for some reason, I feel like he really means it this time. Maybe it's because he hasn't done that crud for this long now. Hmm...I don't know.

You must also start to let go of the past. If you allow current actions to be based on where you and H were in the past, you'll never have a better and more productive future.

Again, easier said than done.

I do not dwell on this stuff. I'm not here at home thinking about everyday. It just all comes back when I try to find the answers inside of me as to why I do the things I do.

In this case, the tires. Which brings me to...

I guess I did not see though, what all of this has to do with the current sitch. and your response to him wanting to give you a gift.

I'm no expert either, but this is what I think.

H wanted to give me a gift...one that he picked out on his own...but I put a stop to it.

Hmm...maybe I see it only as H spending money on me...MORE MONEY...maybe I don't like for him to do that...because like I said in another post, it's embedded in my brain that I cost him money...so maybe I don't want him to spend anything on me....maybe it helps me to feel less guilty about the money sitch by putting a stop to it....I feel a little better knowing that the money was used on a necessity rather than on me....because I cost him enough already....I am a burden, remember? I am his responsibility. I do not feel like his W or his priority. I don't feel like he gives me gifts because he wants to...I feel like he does it because he HAS to...He feels obligated to.

He can say that he wants to get me something all he wants, but he also says that he doesn't want me to work, and I know that's just not true. It's so extremely difficult to believe him.

So I just make sure he takes care of his responsibilities and nothing more.

All I can see is that a potential postive was turned away and at least pointed in a negative direction and I don't think we can blame H for this one.

I don't blame him for it...well maybe I do a little ...but I'm also acknowledging the fact that I'm at fault here, too.

I know it's really, really, hard but try to lower that wall just a little bit and let him back in.

I am trying. All I can do is my best. I can't do anymore than that.

Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Thank you for your visits, Pam and SE.

Today has been a tough one for me...just thinking about what I've written in the past 24 hours ...I haven't felt this down in quite some time.

But hey, it does some good to let it all out every now and then, right?

I'll be back again later to respond to you ladies. Thanks again.

[ValerieA]

Hello, Pam. Thank you for taking the time to post to me .

Do I honestly believe that H won't change?

I do but I don't. That's just how I feel. He has always been this way. Always.

I want to believe that he'll change...he's even said that he knows he stresses way too much about money, and he knows it would be wise to stop...but can he?

I really do not know.

I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it's almost impossible to do that especially when I have to hear him gripe about money all the time. Sometimes he's not even complaining about it. He'll just talk about it...like how many hours he worked one day and if it was straight-pay or double-time. He tells me how much he made for that day or for that week. I am so sick to my stomach having to hear about it, but all I say to him is, "Right on! That's cool, H."

Sometimes I REALLY feel like shouting, "SHUT UP! I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE MONEY! ALL I WANT IS YOUR TIME AND YOUR AFFECTION! YOU SAY YOU'RE LISTENING AND YOU UNDERSTAND, SO WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?? WHY DON'T YOU HEAR ME???!!!"

Two songs come to mind (yes, I love music!), and I wish H would just listen to them. They're about the man thinking material things are what his woman needs or wants to be happy when in fact, all she wants is his time.

1) "I Don't Need It" by Faith Evans
2) "Simple Things" by Usher

.....Ok, I had to stop posting for a while...umm...Oh, and then there's this. Just 2 weeks ago, my sister T was going in for a colonoscopy. My other sister P wanted to drive down to Paso Robles and spend time with her, and she asked if I wanted to go. Like she even had to ask! Anyway, I made arrangements for my parents and MIL to help me out with watching the kids for that weekend. When H called from Bakersfield to say hi, I let him know about my plans in case he tried to call and began to wonder why I wasn't around.

I told him about T being sick and what she was having done, so P and I wanted to go see her. Here's part of that convo:

H: Who's all going?
Me: Just me and P.
H: Oh...Where does T live again?
Me: In Paso Robles...she's about half hour from San Luis Obispo.
H: Huh.....Damn, there goes about $150 right there for gas.



Me (biting my tongue): I'm only driving to P's house (45 mins. away) then we're taking her car.
H: Oh well that's cool! What kind of car does she have again?
Me: We're taking her Civic, not their Suburban.
H: Nice! That'll save hella money!

My sister is sick...and all he could think about was how much it was going to cost HIM for me to go there.

(SIIIIIGGGGGHHHHH).........

Also, and I could be wrong, but I think some of the money sitch has to do with my family. They're not loaded, but they do have nice things. New cars every year, new properties, and they go on vacations to Hawaii, Vegas, Mexico, or SoCal all the time.

I don't see this as a big thing, but I believe H does. He's said at least a dozen times to me just out of the blue, "It must be nice....I'm sorry I can't afford stuff like that for you."

First of all, my relatives work hard for what they have. It's their life, their money, so they can do whatever they want with it. If they wish to have all of those luxuries, good for them. They deserve it.

Second, I DO NOT care about that stuff. I don't care that we do not possess high-class material things (or whatever he feels they are). We have a roof over our heads, we have vehicles that get us where we need to go, we have food in the refrigerator. That is all I need. I don't need nor do I want an overpriced Yukon Denali or a Lexus SUV. Yes, those things are nice, but they are not what matters in life. They are not important to me. They aren't what I need nor want to be happy.

He hasn't made comments like that in awhile. It was when he'd ask about how my family was doing, and who had the latest model of whatever. I finally wised up to just shut up when he'd ask. I used to comment on how nice the cars or houses or engagement rings or pics from their trips were...I think he might have thought I was wishing we could have all of that, too, when all I was doing was admiring "stuff". So now if he asks, I say nothing. Just that they are all doing well then I change the subject.

Ok, I am really going on and on and on, aren't I?

I am trying. I really am. But it's just soooo hard when the issue is always there and never seems to go away.

He really seems to be trying. Maybe he is not giving you 100% of what you want, but he is trying.

Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I want to see it all RIGHT NOW, and I can't deal with it not happening to my liking. I'm tired of hearing it....I WANT TO SEE IT.

I know, I know....Time and patience....Time and patience....and accepting....and understanding.

I'm trying.

How about re-visiting that counseling idea?

Honestly...I'm afraid, too. Not about going...I would reeeealy like to go either together or by myself...but H appears to be in a seemingly good place right now. I worry that if I bring it up again, he's just going to say no for obvious reasons or he might feel pressured into doing something he doesn't want to do.

I will think about it some more though, and if I have to be the one to make the phone calls, I will do that.

Thanks again, (((((Pam))))).

[ValerieA]

Hey, SE ~

I'm glad that you're aware of the financial benefit to him coming, but try not to dwell on it. Let his actions guide you there. It might always be in the back of your mind, as it is mine, but that is something that unfortunately only time will tell.

Yep, it's back there alright .

Hopefully once I see action, it will fade away more and more. Just like when H was unfaithful in our earlier years together before we were M'ed (EAs). I had forgotten all about it, and only recalled it when this last one occurred....9 or 10 years later. H obviously proved himself to me back then. Hopefully he can do it again.

That's great that he said that. The question is, do you believe him?

I want to, but again, it's going to depend on his actions. Will he meet my needs and wants? Not just tell me he will, but show me.

I didn't trust him at all after I found out he was talking (and who knows what else) with another girl back then, but something happened. He did something to get that trust back. Once that came back, my complete faith and belief in him returned also. I NEVER doubted his love for me after that.

To me, that sounds like a heartfelt apology from someone who cannot understand how/why he messed up so badly. That is a very positive sign. He knows he "got lost" and "doesn't know why he did it" great motivation for MC.

I find that interesting...I didn't see it as a positive then as I do now....I suppose that could be because I'm "tired of hearing it....I want to see it". H says he's sorry so much, so his apologies seem to be falling upon deaf ears.

Looks like I need to dig up my copy of DR again. It HAS been awhile.

Thank you, (((((SE))))). Really, thank you . This is such an exhausting and confusing sitch to be in. I find myself to be stuck somewhere in-between an LBS and a WAS. Absolutely draining at times, isn't it?

Thanks for listening.

[StrongEnough]

Hopefully he can do it again.

Well, he was able to do it once before. THis time will definitely be more difficult and he will have to put more time and energy into rebuilding that. Maybe this is something you can discuss with him next time HE brings up where you are/stand as far as the M goes and his coming home. Let him know what you will need from him so he can make an informed decision as to whether or not he can do it.

Will he meet my needs and wants?

That depends, does he truly know what your needs and wants are? A lot has happened in your sitch, and with the changes in your sitch...your needs and wants change as you become more independant. I kow in my M, this is and was the hardest thing for me....trying to figure out what I needed and wanted from H. Sometimes, this is still unclear to me.

Looks like I need to dig up my copy of DR again. It HAS been awhile.

Sounds like a great idea. A good way to recenter yourself and your emotions. Maybe it can help you figure out what you need from H to rebuild trust, to believe that his intentions for reconciliation are for the right reasons and for you to remember how far you've come and to know that no matter what happens....you CAN and HAVE done this!!!

Thank you, (((((SE))))). Really, thank you . This is such an exhausting and confusing sitch to be in. I find myself to be stuck somewhere in-between an LBS and a WAS. Absolutely draining at times, isn't it?

No thanks needed...this is why we are all here..to help each other when we can. And yes, the constant swinging of the pendulum can quite tiring!!!!

Hang in there..you're doing great!! But, I think you know that...you don't need me to tell you!

~SE

[ValerieA]

Hello!

Yes, this time will without a doubt be much more trying...very difficult...to get through. There's a lot more at stake now.

There are times when I wonder if I even know myself what it is that I want from him. I know that I say I want his time and affection all the time. Well, he's giving me more time little by little...he's been over everyday since he returned from Bakersfield, and he calls everyday...soooo....So far so good with that.

But here's something I cannot understand myself....

I want to be close to him. I want to feel close to him. I want him to hold me, I want to feel him brush up against me when we're near each other, I want soft small kisses from him.

He has brushed up against me, and we did give each other a hug along with a little kiss the other day.

Clearly, it's happening.

BUT...although I haven't done it since he's returned...sometimes when he tries to get close, I pull away.

He will come up behind me and try to give me a little kiss on the neck, and I kind of twitch.

It doesn't happen everytime, but I think it happens enough that H has taken notice and maybe thinks I don't want him to do that stuff.

I know during the time while he was still involved in his EA (before it was discovered), there were some times when I'd give H a kiss on the cheek, and I noticed he twitched or flinched.

What is that???

And when it happened, I felt...umm...a little rejected. I felt as if he didn't want me to do that.

So I am confused...very much so...as to why I do that.

I know that I do want to be physically close with him, but I pull away when he comes near. Not all the time, but it does happen.



Anyway, H is actually here right now. He worked last night from 6pm til 10am this morning .

He came in and wanted me to read an email that a company sent to H's boss regarding an accidental spill that occurred last week:

"...I also wanted to say that your technician XXXXX (H) really distinguished himself on this project. He provided good input as we tried to develop the process internally. He was very professional, motivated and showed leadership throughout the project and kept things moving along. I was especially impressed with response to the acid spill and subsequent control of the spill."

How FANTASTIC is that?!

H also said his boss told him to expect a raise coming very soon.

Well, like I said, he's here right now, but he's sleeping. H asked if he could shower and sleep here for a few hours before having to leave for work again.

At first, I wanted to ask why not at his place, but I didn't. I just told him ok.

See, I don't get it. I want him here, but I don't.

What a nut I am.

Thanks for all your support and encouragement, SE!

Thanks for listening.

[StrongEnough]

Valerie-

I think what you are feeling is normal. I was apprehensive at times with physical affection and such. Then, I would be apprehansive with wanting him here and near...then not here. I think it's sort of a normal transitional phase that some if not all of us go through. Just ride it out, sometimes it takes quite a while to adjust.

So, go lay with H and snuggle with him before he has to go.

Have a great night. Gotta get the kiddos in bed and have a chat with H about the upcoming week.

~SE

[ValerieA]

Thanks, SE. It's comforting to hear that others have felt the same way at times, too.


Not much to report right now. H took a test for a position with Valero this past Saturday. He believes he did well but won't find anything out until they either give him a call (which is GOOD) or they send him a letter in the mail (NOT good). He also has an upcoming test for Chevron this Saturday. It's the one he REALLY wants...so crossing my fingers that one goes extremely well for him.

Had a good weekend myself . Saturday, S6 had his Tae Kwon Do belt testing (he's a Little Dragon) and passed. He is now a Green Stripe, and he's pretty excited about it ! To understand this, you have to know that my boys LOVE the color green .

After his testing, we went to my sister J's house in Rocklin. We have alot of February and March babies in our family, so we usually all get together for a BIG lunch or dinner party. This year, we went to an Italian restaurant where they bring out the dishes in HUGE serving platters so that everyone can share. Ohhhh, there was way too much food , but it was soooooo delicious ! After dinner, we headed back to J's house to exchange gifts, had dessert, then came back home.

I'm now 31....it's a bit of a strange feeling and almost unbelievable. I'm 31 and have 3 children all under 10. Yikes ! Yep, I sure did start early, didn't I?

Anyway, H told me yesterday that he bought my tires. All I have to do now is take my truck into the shop to have them put on. Probably get that done tomorrow.

I told him thank you and that I really appreciated that, but not until after I had to hear about him spending $500 for them and how it's set him back a bit, but he'll get over it when he gets paid.....(sigh).

Time to get the boys from school. Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Things have been going well between H and I over the past week. He's called every morning just to wish the boys and me a good day, and he's called every evening as well. We chit chat for a bit, flirt a little here and there, and he continues to end our calls with "ILY"s.

Got the new tires I asked for, too. They were placed on the truck on Thursday, and I had them change the oil, too, since I was there. But I had to go back the next day because my truck was leaking oil when it never had before! Turned out that a valve wasn't cleaned out properly the first time. Anyway, the guys at the shop fixed the problem but also discovered that there's a leak in the power steering return line . No biggie though. They estimated the repair cost to be about $80. I told them I would have to talk to my H about it (must get all expenses cleared with him first).

So I talked to H later that evening, and he said to go ahead and get it taken care of. "$80 is nothing. Get it fixed. You didn't have to ask me, but I do appreciate you doing it anyway. Thanks." So I'll try to get that done on Wednesday if MIL can watch the kids after school for me. I'm sure she will.

When we talked Saturday, I had mentioned how the new season of "The Sopranos" was starting Sunday....both H and I are fans....He said, "Really? Damn, I didn't know. I hardly ever watch TV anymore because I work so much." I asked him to have (mf) record the episodes so I could watch them.....When H worked for his previous boss doing the dish satellite installs, we used to get pay channels (HBO, Cinemax, etc.) for free because (ex-boss) would pay for the service. Since H doesn't work for him anymore, no more free stuff , so we only have basic channels now. I don't really watch that much TV anyway, but I did like having HBO....So anyway, H said he would, and I said thanks.

Well yesterday, H came over unexpectedly. I was just about done with my shower when he came into the bathroom, and...well...you know .

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that. I mean, at first it was great...like it always has been...but then, as usual, he wanted to do things his way... ...It's not necessarily terrible or kinky....It's just not romantic, gentle, or loving to me.

Ok, let me put it this way. It's something you would see done in a porn video, and to me, when H wants to do some of that stuff, I feel like an object, if that makes any sense. I feel like I'm being used although I know I'm not. H enjoys doing some of those things, but I do not. I've just tolerated it for him....and I don't want to do it anymore. I'm tired of it.

He asked me if he could do something, and I said no. He asked again, and I still said no. He asked one more time with a please, but again, I said no. So that was that. He didn't say anything afterward, but I think he might have been wondering about it. He asked me, "Are you mad at me?" I kind of gave him a puzzled look and said, "No. Why would I be mad at you?" H said he didn't know. He didn't plan on doing anything with me. He said he just didn't want me to think that he was trying to seduce me or anything else like that. I told him I wasn't thinking any of that, and I was perfectly fine with what we just did.

Yes, I know I wasn't, but I didn't want to tell him that (I know someone probably wants to jump down my throat about this -- "How is H supposed to know how you really feel if you don't tell him?")....I was more than fine with it once we started, but then...you know.

Anyway, H told me he had a surprise for me. We went into the living room, and guess what? He added HBO to our service ! He told me that he already set the DVR to record "The Sopranos" for me.

I know every inch of him like the back of my hand, but sometimes he still manages to throw me for a loop !

We talked later last night, and he asked me if I had watched the show yet, but I hadn't. I said, "I'll probably watch it tomorrow....You know I didn't even realize that this is Season 6. I didn't even see any of Season 5." (This was because of the bomb....stopped doing and/or watching many of the things we enjoyed together.) H said he didn't know that. He said, "Well now I know what I'm getting you next." I told him no if he was thinking of buying the series on DVD. Aren't they almost $100? Anyway, I told him to just ask (mf) if he had it taped (he usually does) and if I could just borrow it. H said, "Shhh...don't. Just don't worry about it."

I wasn't really worried about it, but ok.

Hmmm.....is H possibly beginning to lighten up just a tad bit about money? The truck needing repair (he would do this anyway, but the positive here is that he didn't gripe about it), adding HBO back onto our service, and thinking about spending $100 on DVDs? This certainly is something new...I'm almost baffled .

Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

I wanted to write about something negative (yuck!) that happened last night also, but it was getting late, so I decided to wait until today when I had the time. Anyway, here it goes...

The toilet in our hall bathroom went kaput last week, so H has been trying to fix it himself with some help from a friend over the phone. Well, H isn't exactly the handyman type , soooo....the problem still isn't fixed. He bought a new toilet but is having trouble putting it in.

Anyway, a long time friend of H's (I'll call him B) has just moved back from AZ. B moved there last year...perhaps the year before that...when he started working for (ex-boss) with H.

Well to get to the point, I used to like B. I thought he was a decent guy even though he slacked off quite a bit when it came to his responsibilities. He's always been very respectful of me, and I used to consider him a trustworthy friend. Yes, I used to.

I don't feel that way about B anymore though. He was the friend that was taking H out to the bars and picking up on women when H was in AZ on business.

I know it is not B's fault at all for what H did, but he did contribute by placing the temptation right in front of H's face.

Anyway, H wants B to come over here to my home so that he can pay him to fix the bathroom.

I am not cool with that at all. I do not want him in my home. He is not welcome here.

I explained this to H, told him everything like I just did here, and he said ok. He said he completely understood and didn't blame me for feeling this way. He asked me, "So B can't ever come over again then?" I said, "I don't know about ever, but just not now."

Well, that was Saturday. Sunday, H subtly pressed the issue...or at least tried to...a few times, then unfortunately, things turned bad. I thought I made myself clear when I said B wasn't welcome here, but H kept pushing it...saying that he was only trying to help B out (paying him to do some work around the house for us), and that it would help him out so he wouldn't have to call a contractor to do it who would probably charge him considerably more.

"Oh but that's fine, Valerie! I'll just call someone and pay for them to come in and take care of it. They'll overcharge me, but that's ok. Whatever makes you happy, Val."

I asked him why did he have to talk to me that way, and he said, "Because! You want to be your uppity, uptight self as usual! So that's why I'm talking like this! This is you! You did this!"

I said, "Well maybe I'm being uptight because you told me you understood about me not wanting B to be over here. You said you understood and you wouldn't ask again, but you did. Several times. You just had to keep pushing it when you knew how I felt. I feel like you're not respecting my wishes, H! You tell me ok, but then you're not ok with it, and if I don't budge, you get p*ssed at me! Then you run your mouth and make me feel like I caused all of this! Like this is all my fault!"

"Have a good night, Valerie. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

I told him to do the same then we hung up.

(Sigh)......... .

I was thinking to myself last night that I should call him and apologize for not being very understanding of his side in this....He just wants to get the bathroom fixed, and B knows how to do that stuff....but it was really late, and I didn't want to wake him since he had to work at 6am this morning.

So I decided to wait until this morning after I took the kids to school to call him, but he beat me to it. H called while we were still sleeping and left a message saying that he was sorry for fighting with me last night. He doesn't want to argue with me. My feelings are more important than helping B out. He wished me a good day and said he would come by after work.

I called him back and had to leave a VM. I told him that I was sorry, too. I didn't want to argue either. I suggested that maybe he could come to the house with B to work on the bathroom, and if H would stay here with the boys, I would go out and have a little me time. Get a pedicure and maybe do some therapeutic windowshopping . This way, we both get what we want...H gets B to do the work, and I get a little R&R for a couple of hours. I told him to give me a call back when he gets the chance.

Lesson for today: Compromise.

Thanks for listening.