Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Hello!

Yes, this time will without a doubt be much more trying...very difficult...to get through. There's a lot more at stake now.

There are times when I wonder if I even know myself what it is that I want from him. I know that I say I want his time and affection all the time. Well, he's giving me more time little by little...he's been over everyday since he returned from Bakersfield, and he calls everyday...soooo....So far so good with that.

But here's something I cannot understand myself....

I want to be close to him. I want to feel close to him. I want him to hold me, I want to feel him brush up against me when we're near each other, I want soft small kisses from him.

He has brushed up against me, and we did give each other a hug along with a little kiss the other day.

Clearly, it's happening.

BUT...although I haven't done it since he's returned...sometimes when he tries to get close, I pull away.

He will come up behind me and try to give me a little kiss on the neck, and I kind of twitch.

It doesn't happen everytime, but I think it happens enough that H has taken notice and maybe thinks I don't want him to do that stuff.

I know during the time while he was still involved in his EA (before it was discovered), there were some times when I'd give H a kiss on the cheek, and I noticed he twitched or flinched.

What is that???

And when it happened, I felt...umm...a little rejected. I felt as if he didn't want me to do that.

So I am confused...very much so...as to why I do that.

I know that I do want to be physically close with him, but I pull away when he comes near. Not all the time, but it does happen.



Anyway, H is actually here right now. He worked last night from 6pm til 10am this morning .

He came in and wanted me to read an email that a company sent to H's boss regarding an accidental spill that occurred last week:

"...I also wanted to say that your technician XXXXX (H) really distinguished himself on this project. He provided good input as we tried to develop the process internally. He was very professional, motivated and showed leadership throughout the project and kept things moving along. I was especially impressed with response to the acid spill and subsequent control of the spill."

How FANTASTIC is that?!

H also said his boss told him to expect a raise coming very soon.

Well, like I said, he's here right now, but he's sleeping. H asked if he could shower and sleep here for a few hours before having to leave for work again.

At first, I wanted to ask why not at his place, but I didn't. I just told him ok.

See, I don't get it. I want him here, but I don't.

What a nut I am.

Thanks for all your support and encouragement, SE!

Thanks for listening.