Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Hello, Pam. Thank you for taking the time to post to me .

Do I honestly believe that H won't change?

I do but I don't. That's just how I feel. He has always been this way. Always.

I want to believe that he'll change...he's even said that he knows he stresses way too much about money, and he knows it would be wise to stop...but can he?

I really do not know.

I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it's almost impossible to do that especially when I have to hear him gripe about money all the time. Sometimes he's not even complaining about it. He'll just talk about it...like how many hours he worked one day and if it was straight-pay or double-time. He tells me how much he made for that day or for that week. I am so sick to my stomach having to hear about it, but all I say to him is, "Right on! That's cool, H."

Sometimes I REALLY feel like shouting, "SHUT UP! I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE MONEY! ALL I WANT IS YOUR TIME AND YOUR AFFECTION! YOU SAY YOU'RE LISTENING AND YOU UNDERSTAND, SO WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?? WHY DON'T YOU HEAR ME???!!!"

Two songs come to mind (yes, I love music!), and I wish H would just listen to them. They're about the man thinking material things are what his woman needs or wants to be happy when in fact, all she wants is his time.

1) "I Don't Need It" by Faith Evans
2) "Simple Things" by Usher

.....Ok, I had to stop posting for a while...umm...Oh, and then there's this. Just 2 weeks ago, my sister T was going in for a colonoscopy. My other sister P wanted to drive down to Paso Robles and spend time with her, and she asked if I wanted to go. Like she even had to ask! Anyway, I made arrangements for my parents and MIL to help me out with watching the kids for that weekend. When H called from Bakersfield to say hi, I let him know about my plans in case he tried to call and began to wonder why I wasn't around.

I told him about T being sick and what she was having done, so P and I wanted to go see her. Here's part of that convo:

H: Who's all going?
Me: Just me and P.
H: Oh...Where does T live again?
Me: In Paso Robles...she's about half hour from San Luis Obispo.
H: Huh.....Damn, there goes about $150 right there for gas.



Me (biting my tongue): I'm only driving to P's house (45 mins. away) then we're taking her car.
H: Oh well that's cool! What kind of car does she have again?
Me: We're taking her Civic, not their Suburban.
H: Nice! That'll save hella money!

My sister is sick...and all he could think about was how much it was going to cost HIM for me to go there.

(SIIIIIGGGGGHHHHH).........

Also, and I could be wrong, but I think some of the money sitch has to do with my family. They're not loaded, but they do have nice things. New cars every year, new properties, and they go on vacations to Hawaii, Vegas, Mexico, or SoCal all the time.

I don't see this as a big thing, but I believe H does. He's said at least a dozen times to me just out of the blue, "It must be nice....I'm sorry I can't afford stuff like that for you."

First of all, my relatives work hard for what they have. It's their life, their money, so they can do whatever they want with it. If they wish to have all of those luxuries, good for them. They deserve it.

Second, I DO NOT care about that stuff. I don't care that we do not possess high-class material things (or whatever he feels they are). We have a roof over our heads, we have vehicles that get us where we need to go, we have food in the refrigerator. That is all I need. I don't need nor do I want an overpriced Yukon Denali or a Lexus SUV. Yes, those things are nice, but they are not what matters in life. They are not important to me. They aren't what I need nor want to be happy.

He hasn't made comments like that in awhile. It was when he'd ask about how my family was doing, and who had the latest model of whatever. I finally wised up to just shut up when he'd ask. I used to comment on how nice the cars or houses or engagement rings or pics from their trips were...I think he might have thought I was wishing we could have all of that, too, when all I was doing was admiring "stuff". So now if he asks, I say nothing. Just that they are all doing well then I change the subject.

Ok, I am really going on and on and on, aren't I?

I am trying. I really am. But it's just soooo hard when the issue is always there and never seems to go away.

He really seems to be trying. Maybe he is not giving you 100% of what you want, but he is trying.

Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I want to see it all RIGHT NOW, and I can't deal with it not happening to my liking. I'm tired of hearing it....I WANT TO SEE IT.

I know, I know....Time and patience....Time and patience....and accepting....and understanding.

I'm trying.

How about re-visiting that counseling idea?

Honestly...I'm afraid, too. Not about going...I would reeeealy like to go either together or by myself...but H appears to be in a seemingly good place right now. I worry that if I bring it up again, he's just going to say no for obvious reasons or he might feel pressured into doing something he doesn't want to do.

I will think about it some more though, and if I have to be the one to make the phone calls, I will do that.

Thanks again, (((((Pam))))).