Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Hello there, Don ~

There is clearly so much hurt and pain from the past. I don't need to tell you that but it is very easy to see it. It is that hurt and pain that has to be worked through and gotten past.

Yes there is, and I know I have to work through it.

This is my therapy. Coming here and releasing it. H won't approve of a C ($$$), so this is where I come for it.

I don't think about all the crap I've dealt with all the time. It just comes to me when I'm here rambling.

He in no way should have ever talked to you like that....You must in the future if ever he even starts to get close - put a stop to it. Tell him he CANNOT speak to you like that, that it is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. This you must do for you.

Easier said than done.

I have told him in the past not to talk to me that way, but everytime, he would just....I don't know...."close" in on me....get in my face....make me feel little....and I felt like there was nothing I could do but sit there and just take what he had to say.

He hasn't talked to me like that in a long time, and he's said that he doesn't want to talk to me like that ever again. He said he never realized just how awful he has been.

He's said this stuff to me before, but for some reason, I feel like he really means it this time. Maybe it's because he hasn't done that crud for this long now. Hmm...I don't know.

You must also start to let go of the past. If you allow current actions to be based on where you and H were in the past, you'll never have a better and more productive future.

Again, easier said than done.

I do not dwell on this stuff. I'm not here at home thinking about everyday. It just all comes back when I try to find the answers inside of me as to why I do the things I do.

In this case, the tires. Which brings me to...

I guess I did not see though, what all of this has to do with the current sitch. and your response to him wanting to give you a gift.

I'm no expert either, but this is what I think.

H wanted to give me a gift...one that he picked out on his own...but I put a stop to it.

Hmm...maybe I see it only as H spending money on me...MORE MONEY...maybe I don't like for him to do that...because like I said in another post, it's embedded in my brain that I cost him money...so maybe I don't want him to spend anything on me....maybe it helps me to feel less guilty about the money sitch by putting a stop to it....I feel a little better knowing that the money was used on a necessity rather than on me....because I cost him enough already....I am a burden, remember? I am his responsibility. I do not feel like his W or his priority. I don't feel like he gives me gifts because he wants to...I feel like he does it because he HAS to...He feels obligated to.

He can say that he wants to get me something all he wants, but he also says that he doesn't want me to work, and I know that's just not true. It's so extremely difficult to believe him.

So I just make sure he takes care of his responsibilities and nothing more.

All I can see is that a potential postive was turned away and at least pointed in a negative direction and I don't think we can blame H for this one.

I don't blame him for it...well maybe I do a little ...but I'm also acknowledging the fact that I'm at fault here, too.

I know it's really, really, hard but try to lower that wall just a little bit and let him back in.

I am trying. All I can do is my best. I can't do anymore than that.

Thanks for listening.