Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Continuing on....

I told H it would be nice if we got a 4-door. With two carseats, it just seemed right...more convenient. Anyway, he surprised me with a brand new 4-door SUV the day I left the hospital after having S6. What a guy ! I wasn't expecting anything that nice at all. I thought we would've picked out a used 4-door sedan together. I was definitely surprised that time!

At the same time, I knew that SUV cost him much, much more than a used car would have.

I can't help it. It's embedded into my brain that whatever money H has to spend is because of me.

I got pregnant...therefore, he became a father when he didn't want to be one. So I made him financially responsible for a child. When S10 was finally able to come home from the hospital (he was a preemie born at 25 weeks gestation; hospitalized for about 4 1/2 months), he required oxygen and needed albuterol treatments every hour. He was so precious, so delicate to us that we didn't trust anyone with taking care of him, so we decided that I would quit my job to stay home with him.

So now, he wasn't just taking care of S10. He was taking care of me, too.

A little over a year later, we M'ed. Not exactly my dream wedding either . We got M'ed in one of those open-all-night wedding chapels in Lake Tahoe, and it wasn't even our idea. H's friend (mf) pretty much "dared" us....dared H....said that he would even pay for it. H looked at me while (mf) went inside to prep the minister and said, "Well...what do say? Let's do it!"

Things were alright for us. We had our ups and downs. I was working at home doing some stuff for H's boss. It wasn't a real job but it brought in a little extra income that I would turn over to H for savings.

We also lived with roommates during this time. We had them for about 2 years. It was tough for me. Not only did I have a baby and a husband to take care of, but I also found myself cleaning up after our roommates . Dirty clothes laying around the living room, dishes in the sink, pots and pans left on the stove from the night before (sometimes they would be there for 2 or 3 days until I finally couldn't stand it anymore), they'd have people over late at night making it difficult to sleep...and if S10 woke up, ugh .

I wanted out of there. I wanted us to find our own place. So yeah, I think I "nagged" H into looking at what we could do. So he did, we moved in with my parents for about a month, and then moved out when we bought our condo in 98.

I also went to work at Mervyn's part-time. H had a new job, and he was able to take S10 with him a few days a week. The money I earned, I always spent it on groceries and gas. If I had extra, I used it to buy a new outfit or two for work.

Then I became pregnant with S6. He was the only real planned pregnancy, and the only one H was truly happy about. I think we were happiest during this time even though I was put on bedrest at 22 weeks for good. My doctor said we weren't going to take any chances this time !

Anyway, S6 comes along, and once again, I'm not working, but H said he was ok with that. He said he wanted me to be home with the boys.

After another year or so, we were both feeling like the condo was getting a bit too cramped for all four of us (2 bedroom, 1 1/2 bath), and property values were going way up in our area. We bought our condo in 98 for $58K and sold it in 2002 for just under $150K. (Now, those same condos are going for over $320K, and H can't stand it. He always says, "F***! I wish we were still there! We should've f***ing waited!"...uh...hindsight, H.)

Then we bought this house for $249K. We're in a terrific location. On the inside of a court with one of the biggest lots in our neighborhood.

But we bought this house because of me...because I liked it, and he wanted to get it for me...but because of that, he now has a heftier mortgage payment...again, because of me. At the condo, it was $600 a month. Here, it was $1650 at first, but H has refinanced twice since we've been here (2002), and now it's down to $1150.

Umm...I also did some babysitting for (mf)'s brother after we moved in here. I was now taking care of 2 other children in addition to our 2 boys. Man, was that stressful ! Again I used the money for groceries, gas, whatever we needed.

Then we looked into getting a bigger car because the SUV wasn't big enough for 3 carseats (S6 and the other 2 kids). That's when we got the truck. We wanted to get a truck for a while anyway.

Then the talk of trying for a daughter started up. So we tried for a couple of months, then with H's health problems we decided to put it off, but by that time, it was too late.

H didn't want me to continue the pregnancy, but....you know how that goes.

I then told him that I wasn't going to babysit anymore because it was too much for me. I didn't want to risk any kind of stress with this pregnancy and find myself confined to the bed again. His response, "Ok, so it sounds like you've made up your mind, and I just don't get any kind of say in it. I don't agree with it, but what can I do? Fine."

At some later point, H said to me, "The only reason why I got that truck for you was because I thought you were going to be babysitting."

So another one there....he got the truck because of me. Oh, and he was now going to be responsible for a third son because of me, too.

I feel like I've cost him nothing but money, and I will continue to do just that.

I am not his priority. I am his responsibility. I am his burden.

(SIGH)...I suppose that's part of the reason why I'm working on getting my diploma (and I am getting there ) so I can then work on getting my degree in Criminal Justice and begin my career in a few years or so . I still would love to get into Forensics, but I figure if I do the C.J. thing, it's a start in the right direction. I can earn an income while doing something I find intriguing, and while working, I can study Forensics to further my education and career.

And H still tells me that he doesn't want me to have to work.

BS.

Thanks for listening.