Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Hey there, Don. We meet again .

Alright, first things first so let me get this out of the way.

Quoting me from my post:

"Oh well...I'm used to it anyway. There have been many times before when I didn't receive anything at all on special occasions."

Now...quoting you, Don, from your post:

"Why would you tell H to buy tires and then say, oh well, I never get anything good for my B-day - I'm used to it."

Ok.....If you're going to "quote" me, get it right please.

Can you see how different it looks and sounds by changing my words around?

Just to let you know, when I say "oh well", that's my way of letting things roll. That's my "release"....my way of letting it go, and I do just that. I believe I even wrote that in one of my past posts (I know I wrote it, but you'd have to go way back). Yes, I said that it bothered me, but I DID NOT say that it upsets me. I am NOT angry or bitter about it. I said this is the way H has always been, and I accept that. I'm disappointed for that short moment, but I get over it. That's what my "oh well" does for me.

I'm guessing when you read my post, you read it as if I was upset, angry, bitter about the sitch, and I wasn't at all. I know sometimes it can be very difficult to determine tone and emotion in writing.

Also, I never said that I NEVER get anything GOOD. He does get me stuff...great stuff...just not all the time. That doesn't mean that I have to have gifts all the time either, but I do think I deserve them on special occasions. You know....birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, Christmas...wouldn't you agree? Am I asking for too much? Is it really that hard to just go into a store and pick up a card or a little bouquet of flowers for your W? And your excuse for not doing so is always, "I just spent $$$ on a new alternator for the car", "I just made the payment for YOUR (when H should say OUR) truck and the insurance", or "I just lost $$$ at the card room last night, so...well, I didn't get you anything. I'm sorry."

I hate asking him for anything because no matter what it is, if it involves money, I will have to sit or stand there listening to how much it cost him. I feel like all I do is cost him money, and believe me, he does a wonderful job at making sure I know it.

Here's a prime example: I was getting gas one day and thought I'd run the truck through the carwash while I was there. So as I'm pulling up to the machine to enter my code for the carwash, I got too close to a post....like a guard rail but it's a pole....and it just scratched and dented the crap out of the side of the truck. I didn't know how bad it was until I got to the grocery store about 20 minutes later.

OMG....all I could do was cry. A grown woman (who was also 4 months pregnant at the time with S1) crying in the parking lot over an accident. It was an accident, and I'm friggin crying about it!

Why? Because I knew that I was going to get s**t from my H about it. I just knew he was going to make me feel like s**t. I thought to myself, " I just cost H $500 (deductible)." As soon as I saw the damage, that was the FIRST thing that went through my head.

And yep...I was right. He didn't notice what happened to the truck when he got home that day, but of course, I had to tell him. And when I did, he went outside to look at it, then gave me this look I'll never forget...an angry look of disgust with ME.

Wanna know what I heard after that?

"How can you be so f***ing stupid?!"

"How can you be so f***ing careless?!"

"Thank you so f***ing much, Valerie! Do you have $500 to pay for this to get fixed?! Oh right, YOU don't! But I do! You just cost me $500, Val! Yes, thank you SOOO MUCH!"

"Oh, you want to lay there and cry, huh?! GOOD! I hope you f***ing feel like s**t!"

Believe me, there was much more than that. And don't forget...I was 4 months pregnant during this and had a history of preterm labor caused by physical and emotional stress. I was put on bedrest at 22 weeks with my two prior pregnancies.

Did H care about that? Nope. All he cared about at that moment was the money I "stupidly" threw away, and he'll always be like that.

So anyway, back to the tire thing....It was already in my mind that I had to ask H for new tires. I've been meaning to for a while; I just didn't want to have to do it while he was away working. I was going to wait a day or two after he returned, but when he mentioned that he was planning to spend a bundle of cash on a birthday gift for me (he said he was going to order it tonight), I thought, "If he does that, I won't get the tires. Not for a while. At least not until he gets over how much he spent on me for this gift...The truck really needs those new tires."

I thought this was my chance to get the tires without feeling guilty about it and without getting grief from H. He was willing to spend a sizable amount on something for me, but if I let him do that, and if I ask for the tires soon after, he's going to be p*ssed. He's going to tell me I should've told him sooner because then he would've put off getting me this expensive gift. I would've saved him money.

So that's why I said what I said. I need the tires although they're not what I really want.

I did it to avoid the conflict I knew would come up if I didn't ask for them instead.

So go ahead. Grab the 2x4 and whack me. I'll get over it.

(SIGH)....Oh well.

Gotta get to bed now. Thanks for listening.