Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

As I stated in my last entry, H got back into town after 1am this morning. He's supposed to come over to spend some QT with the boys and me. I believe this QT will be more for the kids than for me but that's ok. They haven't had any time with H in over 3 weeks.

Anyway, when H called yesterday to tell me he was coming back, he also mentioned that he has an awesome idea for a gift for me (my 31st birthday is this coming Sunday). He said it would be a belated birthday gift since he was going to have to order it online, so it'll be a while until it arrives. He left all this info in a message for me (I was out running some errands).

Well, when he called this morning to work out this evening's details, he brought up my birthday present again. He said he really wants to get me this thing, and he knows that I would like it and appreciate it very much.

Now, I don't why I said this, but I did. I told H, "Well, if you really want to get me something for my birthday, then you can get me a new set of tires for the truck. That would be very nice." H said, "Tires? Why?" I told him that I was sure the tires we have now are original to the truck, and I had them checked out a few weeks back. The guy said I should think about replacing them soon because, and I agree, the tread is looking fairly worn out. That's why I had them looked at to begin with.

H said, "Didn't we just replace one of them? Isn't there a new one on there?" I said, "No. You only had them patched." (I have no idea how it happened, but there were numerous nails in my tires a couple of times several months ago.) So H said, "Hmm...Ok. I'll get you tires then....I really wanted to get you this other thing though. It costs more than tires...a lot more...but...alright. I'll shop around for the best deal and get you the tires." I told him thanks.

That bothers me a bit. I mean, ok. He says he really wanted to get me the other thing, so....why doesn't he then? Why not get me the new tires which are a necessity (the kids and I do need a maintained vehicle) and still get me the gift that I can enjoy for myself?

I guess I suggested the tires because I know we need them, and I know he said that this gift was going to cost him a pretty penny, so I suppose I thought the money would be best spent on what we need rather than what I guess I don't need. Make any sense?

I know if I would've asked him for tires after he bought whatever gift he's talking about, then I would've heard something like, "Damn....I wish you would have told me sooner....I just spent hella money on your birthday....S**t!"

Oh well. Too late now. I'm used to it anyway. There have been many times before when I didn't receive anything at all on special occasions. It either had to do with money (i.e. he just spent some on bills, repairs, etc [he spent money on LIFE], or he suffered a poker loss) or he just didn't have the time to go shopping for me.

Yeah, it bothers me, but I'll get over it. I let it go because I know that's just how he is.


On to something else now....

I pulled this little bit from SE's thread. It was in one of Sage's wonderful posts to her, and I wanted to put it here where I could always find it.

....reconciliation after an affair is an opportunity to explore what it means to be afraid and do it anyway, to heal, to forgive, to reassess and hopefully to strengthen bonds that existed for real reasons in the first place.

I'm not sure what it hit, but it definitely hit something inside. Hmmm....something to figure out there.

There was also this quote from Sage that I added to my signature. Sage, if you're reading this, I hope that's ok with you. If not, I'll remove it promptly. I just wanted to be able to see this reminder everytime I'm on here .

Thanks for listening.