Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Thanks, SE . I wasn't always this strong and confident. I was a jumbled up mess full of doubts, fears, and weaknesses for a long time. I still struggle from time to time...I still have doubts and question what I feel is right or wrong...but I do know that I will not settle for less. I deserve to be happy. I deserve whatever my heart desires (within reason of course ). My boys deserve to have that, too, and they will only get that if Mom's feeling good about where she's at and who she is.

I'm definitely getting there !

I agree with you, it has to be right for YOU and not just right for the kids. You hit on something there with me. I did what I did because I felt it was right for the kids, not necessarily for me. If you read any of my threads, you will see that I am paying for it now.

I read your first thread...haven't made it to the second just yet...my little shadow over here (S1) has this habit of making it difficult to focus on anything other than him !

I am so sorry for what you've been through and what you're continuing to go through. Piecing really isn't a piece of cake, is it?

I think sometimes we think that after our WAS returns, everything will just fall into place...everything's going to be ok because we're back together again...after all, we achieved our goal in getting him/her to come back. Yippee!

WRONG !

I think we have to remember that we've worked on ourselves. We're the ones who bought DR, took a look at ourselves, and made (or at least are making) the necessary changes that needed to be made, but H hasn't. So we're getting him back with all of his "issues" still in place. We want them to be patient with us, but we also have to be patient with them. We want them to understand us, but we also have to try to understand them.

Ok, I hope I'm making sense ! Like I said above...S1 ! I've had to stop several times and lost my train of thought in doing so .

Anyway, I think it's GREAT that your H is going to C even if he isn't exactly thrilled about it. I would give anything to have my H go. He has said and promised that he would, but....(SIGH)....oh well. It's no use trying to talk to him about it anymore. He just won't go.

At this point, your H seems to accept that you aren't ready to rush into anything with him. I hope he doesn't try to pressure you or manipulate you into anything else. Keep beeng strong and hold your ground.

I REALLY hope that he accepts and understands this. Like your H, my H can be rather manipulative also. He has his ways of "unintentionally intentionally" pressuring me into getting what he wants. I'll give an example: I just know he's going to try and make me feel bad for him. He's going to try to get me to let him move back in sooner than I want him to by bringing up money. He could be saving so much more money if he was back in the house....I can almost hear him saying this stuff right now. If you're not familiar with my entire sitch, money is a HUGE issue with my H. He's all about spending the bare minimum. I do sometimes resent him for this, but I also respect him for it. I know he's just looking out for us and wants to have ample to fall back on if something ever happened.

Speaking of money, I'll journal later about a convo H and I had this morning.

So yeah, I hope he doesn't, but I have that feeling that he will try to get his way. Ok, not to get too personal here, but I have a weakness. One that H knows about all too well, and he knows it's very hard for me to refuse especially when it's been 5 months since the last time ! H has...alright, I don't want to say "used", but I can't think of a better word...used sex many times throughout our R to get his way. That man can get me to say almost anything !

Mantra for today: SELF-CONTROL LOL

GL when he returns tonight. Let me know what happens. (I'm nosey )

I can be that way sometimes, too!

H called last night and didn't get on the road until about 8pm, so he didn't get back into town until after 1am today. He's working right now, but he said he's coming to see us around 5:30pm this evening.

SELF-CONTROL, SELF-CONTROL, SELF-CONTROL.... ....Oh wait - the kids will still be up, so he can't try anything! Whew!

I'll be back to journal, and thanks for listening.