Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Thank you, SE . I needed to hear that someone thought I was doing the right thing for me and my children. I tend to question myself ALOT , and to avoid conflict or hurting others' feelings, I give in to their needs and wants.

So telling H that he can't move back in right now is hard for me, but I know I have to stick to it. I know that this is the right thing to do for me and even for the kids. It definitely wouldn't be good for them to see Mom uncertain about Dad being back home. If and when that time comes, I want to be able to sit down with H and HAPPILY tell the boys TOGETHER that Dad's coming back home, you know? I want to be excited, jubilant, OPTIMISTIC about it. Clearly, that is not how I feel at the moment.

Thanks again, SE.


Well, I was going to do a little more journaling, but I can hear S1 getting into some mischief , so I'll do it in a bit.

Thanks for listening.

[StrongEnough]

I tend to question myself ALOT , and to avoid conflict or hurting others' feelings, I give in to their needs and wants.

Valerie- That is me also. When H wanted to get back together, I initially told him that we would have to date for at least 6 months before I wanted him to move back in with me and the kids. Well, he pushed and pushed and one week later was moving back in. He justified not waiting by saying that it would silly to pay rent and utilities for an apartment he wasn't living in full time and that he would have more money to contribute to the house. Even though I was still against, I gave in and he came back.

Learn from my mistake. When it's time, you will know. Don't rush into it, because if things go wrong, there is conflict or depression the kids will suffer.

(((HUGS)))

~SE

[ValerieA]

SE ~

...When H wanted to get back together, I initially told him that we would have to date for at least 6 months before I wanted him to move back in with me and the kids.

I told this to my H, too. I told him he would have to date me again if he wanted back into my heart. I don't expect the romance and wooing all the time, but I do expect to spend some form of QT together everyday. QT doesn't have to just be going out to dinner or to Reno or wherever for a weekend. It could be something very simple such as watching a DVD or playing a board game together.....You know, the stuff that we used to do.

Anyway, I told him all of this back in July when he moved out, and here we are 8 months later. I've been hearing the words, "I want to be with you", "I want to do this and that with you", "ILY", and "there's no one else in this world for me but you" for the last year, but I haven't seen the actions to support those words.

So like always, we'll see. I think I'm doing the right thing by leaving the door open for reconciliation, but I also know that I will not wait forever. No offense to anyone out there, but I refuse to be someone who finds themselves still S'ed after two years or so. Life is too friggin short to be sitting around and waiting for something that may or may not happen. I feel like I'm moving on, and it's up to my H to decide if he wants to be there with me or not.

...Well, he pushed and pushed and one week later was moving back in. He justified not waiting by saying that it would silly to pay rent and utilities for an apartment he wasn't living in full time and that he would have more money to contribute to the house. Even though I was still against, I gave in and he came back.

See that's exactly what I'm afraid of.

I just have this feeling that H is going to come back from working down in Bakersfield, spend some time around the house with me and the kids (before or after work which is fine), then after a week or so, I'm going to hear, "Please just let me move back in....I'd get to spend more time with you guys....I'd be around more....I'm tired of living with (mf)....(mf) wants to date and it's hard for him to do that with me living there....I WOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY (mf) ANY MORE RENT."

I feel like he's really going to pack on the pressure (intentionally or not...I don't know) to get what he wants.

Oh boy, that's gonna be tough , but I know that I can't give in.

Learn from my mistake. When it's time, you will know. Don't rush into it, because if things go wrong, there is conflict or depression the kids will suffer.

You're absolutely right. When that time comes, and I know it will, I'll know if it's right for H to move back in or if it's time to say no more.

That's a decision that will have to be based on what I believe is best for me and NOT my children. Of course I want what's best for them, too, but I just mean that it isn't always best for Mom and Dad to be together for the sake of the kids. Know what I mean? I know a lot of people feel that you should stay together for them, but if the parents aren't happy, then how can that be right? I don't want to find myself doing that and counting the days til the boys are out of the house so I can finally say, "I want a D...I stayed for the kids."

Geez, I'm starting to sound like H did in the very beginning .

Anyway, even though it may sound somewhat selfish, I just know that I have to do what I want for me and no one else otherwise I will never be truly happy. If H is really serious about proving himself to me and that this R is what he really wants, then he'll have to respect my wishes and boundaries.

* Let's go away together at least once a month without the kids.
* Let's watch a movie at the theater or at home. Let's play a game together.
* Let's go out for dinner with or without the kids once in a while. Give me a break from cooking every now and then.
* Be a little more romantic with me in the bedroom . His way is great, but my way can be just as wonderful, too.
* No more solo trips to the mall for him (that's where he met OW). If he REALLY has to go there (he could just shop here in town, too, but he doesn't), then tell me beforehand so I don't find out about it through some other means. This causes me to start thinking the worst. All those feelings of mistrust and betrayal come back.

I think our biggest hurdle right now is forgiveness, and I'm not talking about me forgiving H. H can't forgive himself.

I don't think about what happened. I don't think about the EA. I believe I have moved passed it. H does think about it though. He doesn't think about the A or the OW...he thinks about what he did and what has happened to us because of what he did.

H said to me the other day, "I think this could work, Valerie. I think we can make this right again. I just need you to forgive me."

I told him, "H, you don't need me to forgive you because I did a long time ago, and I've told you that. You need to forgive YOURSELF....H, if you can't do that, then we will never get through this. We won't have a chance."

He started to get choked up and said, "I know, I'm trying. I'm trying to forgive myself, but I can't. I hate myself for what I've done. I had a good thing...We had a great thing...and I f***ed it all up."

That's where I would've jumped in and said it was my fault, too, but he doesn't want to hear that. He told me. So I said, "Yeah, you made a mistake, H, but you don't deserve to feel like s**t everyday because of it. You need to stop punishing yourself because you're not just doing it to yourself. You're doing it to us...to the R. How is that going to get us any closer to the happiness we want together?"

Well, I would ask if anyone has any suggestions on a good book about forgiveness for H to read, but I already know that he wouldn't. He doesn't really have the time to read anyway.

Thanks again, (((((SE))))).

BTW, H called early this morning and said he was about 99% sure that he would be back in town late this evening. I feel a little nervous, and I haven't the slightest clue as to why. I guess I just hope that he doesn't expect me to jump for joy at the sight of him returning. It was like that in the past, but not now. I have to get those feelings back first. I hope he understands that. I'm not saying that I won't greet him with a smile or even a hug. I'm just saying that I won't shower him with kisses like I did before.

Gotta go. Thanks for listening.

[StrongEnough]

You sound confident and well-grounded. That's a great to be and stay given the upcoming anticpated events.

I agree with you, it has to be right for YOU and not just right for the kids. You hit on something there with me. I did what I did because I felt it was right for the kids, not necessarily for me. If you read any of my threads, you will see that I am paying for it now.

At this point, your H seems to accept that you aren't ready to rush into anything with him. I hope he doesn't try to pressure you or manipulate you into anything else. Keep beeng strong and hold your ground.

GL when he returns tonight. Let me know what happens. (I'm nosey )

~SE

[ValerieA]

Thanks, SE . I wasn't always this strong and confident. I was a jumbled up mess full of doubts, fears, and weaknesses for a long time. I still struggle from time to time...I still have doubts and question what I feel is right or wrong...but I do know that I will not settle for less. I deserve to be happy. I deserve whatever my heart desires (within reason of course ). My boys deserve to have that, too, and they will only get that if Mom's feeling good about where she's at and who she is.

I'm definitely getting there !

I agree with you, it has to be right for YOU and not just right for the kids. You hit on something there with me. I did what I did because I felt it was right for the kids, not necessarily for me. If you read any of my threads, you will see that I am paying for it now.

I read your first thread...haven't made it to the second just yet...my little shadow over here (S1) has this habit of making it difficult to focus on anything other than him !

I am so sorry for what you've been through and what you're continuing to go through. Piecing really isn't a piece of cake, is it?

I think sometimes we think that after our WAS returns, everything will just fall into place...everything's going to be ok because we're back together again...after all, we achieved our goal in getting him/her to come back. Yippee!

WRONG !

I think we have to remember that we've worked on ourselves. We're the ones who bought DR, took a look at ourselves, and made (or at least are making) the necessary changes that needed to be made, but H hasn't. So we're getting him back with all of his "issues" still in place. We want them to be patient with us, but we also have to be patient with them. We want them to understand us, but we also have to try to understand them.

Ok, I hope I'm making sense ! Like I said above...S1 ! I've had to stop several times and lost my train of thought in doing so .

Anyway, I think it's GREAT that your H is going to C even if he isn't exactly thrilled about it. I would give anything to have my H go. He has said and promised that he would, but....(SIGH)....oh well. It's no use trying to talk to him about it anymore. He just won't go.

At this point, your H seems to accept that you aren't ready to rush into anything with him. I hope he doesn't try to pressure you or manipulate you into anything else. Keep beeng strong and hold your ground.

I REALLY hope that he accepts and understands this. Like your H, my H can be rather manipulative also. He has his ways of "unintentionally intentionally" pressuring me into getting what he wants. I'll give an example: I just know he's going to try and make me feel bad for him. He's going to try to get me to let him move back in sooner than I want him to by bringing up money. He could be saving so much more money if he was back in the house....I can almost hear him saying this stuff right now. If you're not familiar with my entire sitch, money is a HUGE issue with my H. He's all about spending the bare minimum. I do sometimes resent him for this, but I also respect him for it. I know he's just looking out for us and wants to have ample to fall back on if something ever happened.

Speaking of money, I'll journal later about a convo H and I had this morning.

So yeah, I hope he doesn't, but I have that feeling that he will try to get his way. Ok, not to get too personal here, but I have a weakness. One that H knows about all too well, and he knows it's very hard for me to refuse especially when it's been 5 months since the last time ! H has...alright, I don't want to say "used", but I can't think of a better word...used sex many times throughout our R to get his way. That man can get me to say almost anything !

Mantra for today: SELF-CONTROL LOL

GL when he returns tonight. Let me know what happens. (I'm nosey )

I can be that way sometimes, too!

H called last night and didn't get on the road until about 8pm, so he didn't get back into town until after 1am today. He's working right now, but he said he's coming to see us around 5:30pm this evening.

SELF-CONTROL, SELF-CONTROL, SELF-CONTROL.... ....Oh wait - the kids will still be up, so he can't try anything! Whew!

I'll be back to journal, and thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

As I stated in my last entry, H got back into town after 1am this morning. He's supposed to come over to spend some QT with the boys and me. I believe this QT will be more for the kids than for me but that's ok. They haven't had any time with H in over 3 weeks.

Anyway, when H called yesterday to tell me he was coming back, he also mentioned that he has an awesome idea for a gift for me (my 31st birthday is this coming Sunday). He said it would be a belated birthday gift since he was going to have to order it online, so it'll be a while until it arrives. He left all this info in a message for me (I was out running some errands).

Well, when he called this morning to work out this evening's details, he brought up my birthday present again. He said he really wants to get me this thing, and he knows that I would like it and appreciate it very much.

Now, I don't why I said this, but I did. I told H, "Well, if you really want to get me something for my birthday, then you can get me a new set of tires for the truck. That would be very nice." H said, "Tires? Why?" I told him that I was sure the tires we have now are original to the truck, and I had them checked out a few weeks back. The guy said I should think about replacing them soon because, and I agree, the tread is looking fairly worn out. That's why I had them looked at to begin with.

H said, "Didn't we just replace one of them? Isn't there a new one on there?" I said, "No. You only had them patched." (I have no idea how it happened, but there were numerous nails in my tires a couple of times several months ago.) So H said, "Hmm...Ok. I'll get you tires then....I really wanted to get you this other thing though. It costs more than tires...a lot more...but...alright. I'll shop around for the best deal and get you the tires." I told him thanks.

That bothers me a bit. I mean, ok. He says he really wanted to get me the other thing, so....why doesn't he then? Why not get me the new tires which are a necessity (the kids and I do need a maintained vehicle) and still get me the gift that I can enjoy for myself?

I guess I suggested the tires because I know we need them, and I know he said that this gift was going to cost him a pretty penny, so I suppose I thought the money would be best spent on what we need rather than what I guess I don't need. Make any sense?

I know if I would've asked him for tires after he bought whatever gift he's talking about, then I would've heard something like, "Damn....I wish you would have told me sooner....I just spent hella money on your birthday....S**t!"

Oh well. Too late now. I'm used to it anyway. There have been many times before when I didn't receive anything at all on special occasions. It either had to do with money (i.e. he just spent some on bills, repairs, etc [he spent money on LIFE], or he suffered a poker loss) or he just didn't have the time to go shopping for me.

Yeah, it bothers me, but I'll get over it. I let it go because I know that's just how he is.


On to something else now....

I pulled this little bit from SE's thread. It was in one of Sage's wonderful posts to her, and I wanted to put it here where I could always find it.

....reconciliation after an affair is an opportunity to explore what it means to be afraid and do it anyway, to heal, to forgive, to reassess and hopefully to strengthen bonds that existed for real reasons in the first place.

I'm not sure what it hit, but it definitely hit something inside. Hmmm....something to figure out there.

There was also this quote from Sage that I added to my signature. Sage, if you're reading this, I hope that's ok with you. If not, I'll remove it promptly. I just wanted to be able to see this reminder everytime I'm on here .

Thanks for listening.

[StrongEnough]

Hello!

I hope you have a great time tonight with kids and H. Do you have any back-up plans if he asks to stay the night? Or is that something you are comfortable with? I also hope he doesn't use sex to manipulate you into coming back home. But, atleast you are aware and won't be duped so easily as H may think.

Maybe for your upcoming B-Day he will get you that "thing". You mentioned that he was cautious with money, maybe he thinks that if he got you something extravagent and expensive that it's his way of showing change in something that has been an issue in the past. If he doesn't though, hey....tires aren't cheap either. I wish my H used some caution when it came to money. He can be an impulsive buyer.

I think that little blurb you pulled of my other thread from Sage was some wonderful, honest words of wisdom. IT is soooo true.

So, what's your plan to WOW H tonight?? Something slinky and sexy? Or something slinky and sexy under a sweatsuit "just incase"

Enjoy your night!!!!!!!

~SE

P.S. The BIG 3-1 this week huh?? I turn the BIG 3-2 this year *ouch* it hurts just to type it.

[DonH]

Valerie. I know if I was your H, I'd be pretty confused. Because I'm not your H and just one of many reading your posts, I'm just concerned. Why would you tell H to buy tires and then say, oh well, I never get anything good for my B-day - I'm used to it. It's almost as you didn't want him to get you something nice and surprise you and when you saw that he was, you stepped in and put a stop to it. Why? And then why be upset? If he gets you the tires, it will only be because that's what you asked for. Then to be upset with him - well that's just crazy behavior that you have to stop. Then he is suppposed to figure all of this out on his own - with you leading him down the wrong path? How can the man ever win this? He cannot read you mind. You have to ask for what you want and then really want what you are asking for. Why do you feel like you had to say what you said? I'm not going to be an arm chair C, but I am concerned about this action just the same. Give it some thought.

[StrongEnough]

Don- that's a great point. Very perceptive. I didn't pick up on that. Awesome questions for Valerie to think about!

~SE

[ValerieA]

Thanks, SE, but I'm sorry. No WOWing tonight....Darn it! LOL

We had a great evening . H arrived just in time for dinner. The boys were sooo happy to see him ! I know he loved that. They all wrestled around for a bit including S1 -- it's so adorable to watch him act like he's one of the big guys ! He wants to do everything his Dad and brothers do .

After we ate, H took the kids into the garage and they fooled around some more in there for a good hour or so. When they came back inside, H sat on the couch to watch a little TV and unwind before having to leave. He has to get up at 4am to be at work by 6am.

Anyway, we just chatted a bit about how work has been going for him, and he also told me that he finally got in contact with (ex-boss) to get his W2s from him. He's been trying to catch him for WEEKS and finally did.

It was a good visit. A really nice one. Lots of laughs with the boys and also between H and me. Yes, there was a little flirting going on there . Before he left, I even asked for a hug because I felt comfortable enough with that. H said, "Of course you can have one. I wanted to give you one when I got here, but I didn't know if it was allowed." We also gave each other a soft, little kiss goodbye . Then H said, "I don't want to mess up. I want to do this right." I told him, "Me, too." As he walked out the door, he said, "Alright, I'll see you tomorrow." I said ok.

So it looks like he's coming over again tomorrow.

Thanks again for the visit, SE .

I can hear S1 getting out of bed, so I'll be back in a moment or two to reply to your post, Don .