Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

SE ~

...When H wanted to get back together, I initially told him that we would have to date for at least 6 months before I wanted him to move back in with me and the kids.

I told this to my H, too. I told him he would have to date me again if he wanted back into my heart. I don't expect the romance and wooing all the time, but I do expect to spend some form of QT together everyday. QT doesn't have to just be going out to dinner or to Reno or wherever for a weekend. It could be something very simple such as watching a DVD or playing a board game together.....You know, the stuff that we used to do.

Anyway, I told him all of this back in July when he moved out, and here we are 8 months later. I've been hearing the words, "I want to be with you", "I want to do this and that with you", "ILY", and "there's no one else in this world for me but you" for the last year, but I haven't seen the actions to support those words.

So like always, we'll see. I think I'm doing the right thing by leaving the door open for reconciliation, but I also know that I will not wait forever. No offense to anyone out there, but I refuse to be someone who finds themselves still S'ed after two years or so. Life is too friggin short to be sitting around and waiting for something that may or may not happen. I feel like I'm moving on, and it's up to my H to decide if he wants to be there with me or not.

...Well, he pushed and pushed and one week later was moving back in. He justified not waiting by saying that it would silly to pay rent and utilities for an apartment he wasn't living in full time and that he would have more money to contribute to the house. Even though I was still against, I gave in and he came back.

See that's exactly what I'm afraid of.

I just have this feeling that H is going to come back from working down in Bakersfield, spend some time around the house with me and the kids (before or after work which is fine), then after a week or so, I'm going to hear, "Please just let me move back in....I'd get to spend more time with you guys....I'd be around more....I'm tired of living with (mf)....(mf) wants to date and it's hard for him to do that with me living there....I WOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY (mf) ANY MORE RENT."

I feel like he's really going to pack on the pressure (intentionally or not...I don't know) to get what he wants.

Oh boy, that's gonna be tough , but I know that I can't give in.

Learn from my mistake. When it's time, you will know. Don't rush into it, because if things go wrong, there is conflict or depression the kids will suffer.

You're absolutely right. When that time comes, and I know it will, I'll know if it's right for H to move back in or if it's time to say no more.

That's a decision that will have to be based on what I believe is best for me and NOT my children. Of course I want what's best for them, too, but I just mean that it isn't always best for Mom and Dad to be together for the sake of the kids. Know what I mean? I know a lot of people feel that you should stay together for them, but if the parents aren't happy, then how can that be right? I don't want to find myself doing that and counting the days til the boys are out of the house so I can finally say, "I want a D...I stayed for the kids."

Geez, I'm starting to sound like H did in the very beginning .

Anyway, even though it may sound somewhat selfish, I just know that I have to do what I want for me and no one else otherwise I will never be truly happy. If H is really serious about proving himself to me and that this R is what he really wants, then he'll have to respect my wishes and boundaries.

* Let's go away together at least once a month without the kids.
* Let's watch a movie at the theater or at home. Let's play a game together.
* Let's go out for dinner with or without the kids once in a while. Give me a break from cooking every now and then.
* Be a little more romantic with me in the bedroom . His way is great, but my way can be just as wonderful, too.
* No more solo trips to the mall for him (that's where he met OW). If he REALLY has to go there (he could just shop here in town, too, but he doesn't), then tell me beforehand so I don't find out about it through some other means. This causes me to start thinking the worst. All those feelings of mistrust and betrayal come back.

I think our biggest hurdle right now is forgiveness, and I'm not talking about me forgiving H. H can't forgive himself.

I don't think about what happened. I don't think about the EA. I believe I have moved passed it. H does think about it though. He doesn't think about the A or the OW...he thinks about what he did and what has happened to us because of what he did.

H said to me the other day, "I think this could work, Valerie. I think we can make this right again. I just need you to forgive me."

I told him, "H, you don't need me to forgive you because I did a long time ago, and I've told you that. You need to forgive YOURSELF....H, if you can't do that, then we will never get through this. We won't have a chance."

He started to get choked up and said, "I know, I'm trying. I'm trying to forgive myself, but I can't. I hate myself for what I've done. I had a good thing...We had a great thing...and I f***ed it all up."

That's where I would've jumped in and said it was my fault, too, but he doesn't want to hear that. He told me. So I said, "Yeah, you made a mistake, H, but you don't deserve to feel like s**t everyday because of it. You need to stop punishing yourself because you're not just doing it to yourself. You're doing it to us...to the R. How is that going to get us any closer to the happiness we want together?"

Well, I would ask if anyone has any suggestions on a good book about forgiveness for H to read, but I already know that he wouldn't. He doesn't really have the time to read anyway.

Thanks again, (((((SE))))).

BTW, H called early this morning and said he was about 99% sure that he would be back in town late this evening. I feel a little nervous, and I haven't the slightest clue as to why. I guess I just hope that he doesn't expect me to jump for joy at the sight of him returning. It was like that in the past, but not now. I have to get those feelings back first. I hope he understands that. I'm not saying that I won't greet him with a smile or even a hug. I'm just saying that I won't shower him with kisses like I did before.

Gotta go. Thanks for listening.