Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

H called right after my last entry. It was a short convo because he had to get back to work. Anyway, he said he would be back in town either really late tomorrow night or Wednesday early afternoon. Either way, he would definitely be back by Wednesday.

I had some things I wanted to get done before S1 woke up from his nap, so I told H I would talk with him later, but he said, "Wait. I just wanted to ask you something real quick since I don't have a whole lot of time right now either." I said ok, shoot. Then H asked me, "So....are you not going to want me to...or I mean, allow me to move back in when I get back?....Because I want to talk to the kids so badly when I see them and tell them how much I love them and you, and I want to tell them that I'm coming back home and we're going to be a family again....So are you going to allow me back in or are you going to make me prove myself to you?"

I have to admit that irked me quite a bit. We've discussed this many, many times, and I have told H that moving back in right away is a mistake, and I DO NOT want to get the kids' hopes up. It really bothers me because I feel like I'm constantly having to repeat myself to him. I don't know if he just doesn't hear me or if he keeps asking the same things over and over again hoping that my answer will change the next time!

Anyway, I told him, "H, I think having you move back in is a bad move. I know you want to be with the boys and me again. I do know that. But I do not want to make a mistake. I do not want to hurt these kids anymore than they already have been....So yeah, I guess you do have to prove yourself to me because I'm not just going to take your word for it."

H said, "Ok...ok. I totally understand, and I don't blame you....Ok, I gotta go. I'll call you later....ILY." I told him I loved him, too.

I feel a little bad telling him no, but at the same time, I feel that I'm doing the right thing.

Thanks for listening.