Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Wow!...It has been quite a while, hasn't it? Sorry if I worried anyone. I just felt that I needed a huge break from everything. The BB, my sitch, everything.

So I'm sure those of you who still remember me are wondering what's going on, yes?...Well...Not a whole lot . I believe I said that I wanted to file for a D in my last post...but I didn't...wait...maybe I should say that I haven't yet.

I was angry, frustrated, and just plain upset with the way things had been going on between H and me. I talked to some of my family members about filing, and they are actually the ones who told me to just wait and do nothing for now. Just wait and give it more time. So I did, and here I am still living in limbo.

It's had its ups and downs. H and I still have our spats with each other, but surprisingly, the vulgar name-calling has stopped. This has to be some kind of record for him...almost 2 months without calling me the "b" or "c" word...but I think it's just because we don't really talk with each other that much. Yes, he still calls me though when he needs someone to vent to, and I listen...but I did tell him once that I don't always want to be that person...the one who he "dumps" his crud on whenever he feels like it. I know that sounds bad, but I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut about how I really feel. If he's not doing for me AT ALL, then why should I ALWAYS be there for him when HE wants? He said he would stop....but he hasn't...and I still listen. Sometimes I find myself tuning him out , but it's the only way I can keep myself from coming down with him.

My schooling is going along just fine...although now I remember why I didn't care for school all that much ! It's been a little hard to really focus on because the kids are always very demanding, but I try to study and do my work for a couple of hours after they are in bed every night.

H doesn't really get to see them anymore. He got a new job...Yea !...but he's on a 90-day probation period where he has to work 12-14 hour shifts 90 days STRAIGHT. UGH ! So yeah...the boys haven't been able to have any time with him over the last month. They miss him, and I know he misses them, too.

Ok...ready for a bit of a shocker? I'm sure many of you will not agree with it, but that's ok.

I've begun dating. Nothing serious though. I've just gone out on some dates and have been fortunate enough to enjoy the company of two very nice gentlemen. Just like me, they're not looking for one-nighters or for anything too serious.

H knows, too. One of his friends happened to see me when I was out with one of those guys, and of course told him. I wasn't trying to keep it a secret either. If I wanted to do that, I wouldn't "date" here in town, you know?

Anyway, he was upset. He was so upset that he told me he didn't even want to talk to me anymore...but then he called me the next day and said that he hoped I would find what I was looking for because I deserve it, and he felt he was getting what he deserved all along. He also told me that when he found out, it felt like a slap in the face (I know the feeling, H)....here he was working...trying to find a better job and making a better living...thinking that once he did that...then everything would be ok...and he could come home...and we would be together again.

That's what he thought. Those were his words. He thought if he got a better job, then he could just come home and EVERYTHING would be fine again.

There is more to life than just work and money. Sooo much more.

What about love? What about spending time with your family? With your WIFE?

Well, he's in Washington right now on a job site. He called me last night just to say "hi" and to see how the kids were doing. He said, "I miss you guys."...He's said that a lot lately...I told him the kids really miss him, too. S6 has been asking when he can go and spend the night with Dad again. He interrupted me abruptly and said, "I miss YOU, Val!...I miss being together!...I'm so f***ing sorry!" Then he said he needed to stop and compose himself because he had to get back to work.

So this is where I am...In limbo-land...and yes, I'm dating...

BUT IT WOULD ALL STOP IF H CAME AROUND.

Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

"It's the seemingly insignificant things in your life that are the real source of happiness, so learn to appreciate them rather than dismissing them."

~ Author Unknown

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

I have a lot on my mind right now....don't know where to begin.

H has been talking the talk again. You know....where he tells me that he still loves me and only me...that I'm the only one he wants...I'm the only one for him....he wants to be a better man, father, husband....he wants to make me feel like his princess again....all that sweet stuff.

H said he never wants to spend another holiday without me....he wants to give me that New Years Day kiss at midnight like he did for the last 12 years....he wants to be at the Super Bowl parties with me like we were before....sitting in the ballpark together rooting for our SF Giants....screaming, laughing, and holding onto each other's hand while riding a rollercoaster at Great America....he wants to have more "inside jokes" to share with me.

He gets me...he gets me everytime with that kind of talk. I want to believe him sooo badly, but I can't. I can a little, but I can't entirely. Does that make any sense? Geez, I feel like my head is spinning.

I told H what I want. I said, "Do you remember when you would come home from one of your many business trips?...you were gone for weeks at a time...and I remember waiting to hear that sound...waiting to hear the turn of your key in the door...then I'd finally hear it...I'd get up and go over to the door to greet you...and you'd walk in...and there I was...so happy to see you and that wonderful smile of yours....do you remember that feeling, H? I do. I miss it....and I want it. I want that feeling again."

H said he knows, and he wants it, too...with me and only me. H said he wants to have that "newness" with me again...that dopamine high...that "in love" feeling we had for so long (even when we argued...I never could stay mad at him for long ...he always knew just what to do to get me to crack a smile ).

When I sit here and think about it, I'm worried that H might be saying it all out of desperation and loneliness...???...He's got a lot to lose should we D, and I know he's feeling lonely. All he does is work all day everyday. He has no free time to do anything with anybody.

I've read some recent posts here on the board that said nothing has really changed after their WAS returned. Things seemed to be great at first when they came back home, but now it's died (or dying) again.

That's what worries me. What if I give H the chance to make things better, he moves back home, then after some time, it begins to go sour again?

There is no such thing as the perfect M...I know this...I know there will be good days as well as bad days...We made it work before...we always got through it somehow...Could we possibly do that again?...I would hate to put my boys through anymore pain...seeing their dad come home which is what they want, but if it doesn't work.....I just couldn't bear to see them hurt like that again.

Trust....I don't know if I can trust him again. I would like to...I would have to for it to work...but I don't know if I can. I took a look at the bank statement for last month a week ago and saw that H shopped at Zumiez...that's where he met OW. He told me a long time ago that she doesn't work there anymore, but it still bothered me to see that he went there. Why does he still have to go to the next town to shop? There isn't anything there that you can't get here in our town.

Ok, I've got all these thoughts and questions running through my head right now, and I can't seem to make any sense out of them , so I'm going to stop for now. Plus the phone is ringing, and I have a feeling it's H. He's working down in Bakersfield for the next day or two.

Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Wow...It's kind of hard to believe that it's been a year since I first joined this site.

I remember those dark feelings of despair, devastation, loneliness, and failure...I remember them, but I'm not living them anymore! Don't get me wrong now. There are still plenty of times when I doubt everything including myself, but then I just tell myself, "Hey, life goes on, so live it and enjoy every moment like it's your last," for I am the only one responsible for my own happiness.

Anyway, I talked with H over the phone last night for nearly an hour and a half (can't remember when that happened last). We chatted about a lot of things...it was like we were friends again...like he was really interested in hearing about how things have been going with me, school, and my family. It was very nice.

We did talk about the R, too. All initiated by H, of course. It started out with him wanting to talk about the dates I've gone on. Needless to say, I really didn't want to discuss it with him, but he wouldn't let up. He said he just wanted to know and wasn't going to get upset about anything, so I did. It was a little awkward at first, but the more I talked, the more comfortable I felt in giving him details. H did admit that it was a little hard to take in, but he had to know. After a while, we even cracked a few jokes about my dates...lol...I thought it was great that we were able to find humor in it, and not once did H make me feel guilty or like I was wrong for going out and having some fun....and what I mean by fun (since I know fun means different things to different people) is just going out to lunch, dinner, a movie, the city, or wherever with good company. Nothing more than that. I believe I was very fortunate to have met the kind of gentlemen that I had. I was totally upfront with them from the start about my sitch, and they were perfectly fine with it.

Anyway, I stopped talking about the dates I went on when H seemed to be getting a little jealous...or territorial...can't think of the right word to use to describe it . Possessive??? He said something like, "I wish you would set up another date with this guy so I could walk up and teach him a lesson not to be messing with another man's woman." I just kind of laughed at it and said, "Whatever...It's not happening." H said, "That's right it's not happening....because your man is coming home....I'm going to be there with the kids, and most importantly, I'm going to be there with you. I want to love you like you deserve to be loved, and I know I can do it...I just hope it's not too late."

I wasn't going to say anything, but I know my H, so I knew he was looking for me to say that it wasn't too late. I told him, "There is still a chance, H. I want nothing more than to be a family again and to be loved by you. We didn't just have compatability...We had chemistry as well...for all those years....but I am not going to wait forever. Life is too damn short, and if you're not loving, you're not living."

H said, "You are sooo f***ing awesome, Valerie, and ILY....ILY so much."....Ok, I know it's not romantic, but it's H....it's his way....and I understand him well enough to know that he does truly still love me.

H should return from Bakersfield in the next day or two. The kids can't wait to see him, and I know he feels the same.

Ok, gotta go. S6 has Tae Kwon Do in 30 minutes.

Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

H is still in the Bakersfield area. They acquired a couple more jobs while being out there, but when I talked with him a couple of days ago, he said he would probably be back today (Wednesday). Then again, that's what he said last week, too . Oh well. It also looks as if he might be going to Mississippi or Alabama sometime next week for more work....Yep, more traveling.

We've talked on the phone several times since he's been gone....all contact has been initiated by H....although he has expressed to me that he would really like it if I just called him myself. Even if it's for no reason at all. He would just like to check his phone while he's on his break and see that I called him, and he would absolutely love it if I left a message for him telling him that I miss him, can't wait to see him when he returns, and that I love him....I told him I would.

The problem is I can't....I can't say those things. I do not feel that way.

I tried leaving him a VM saying what he wanted to hear, but it felt phony and so uncomfortable. I listened to it before sending it, but I deleted it because it just didn't sound real. It wasn't genuine. It wasn't from the heart.

I do love him, but it's that "dearest friend" kind of love. It's as if I could be the one to say, "ILYBINILWY". During our convo last night, I almost did. The words were right there....ready to just come out....but I didn't let them out. I remember how painful it was to hear it myself when H said it. Why would I do that to him?

Anyway, the reason why I almost uttered those words was because H was pressing me to say ILY. He was talking about how I hadn't been the one to call him first in like FOREVER (I just don't feel like it....I do not have any desire to WANT to talk with him). I told him I was sorry. H said, "Don't tell me you're sorry. I don't want to hear that from you anymore. I just want to hear that you still love me. That's all I want to hear....Tell me you love me, Valerie."

I did tell him, but I know that I didn't mean it the way I knew he wanted me to mean it. Make sense? (SIGH)

H had also brought up the subject about moving back home. I can't remember his exact words, but he said something like so what's going to happen when he moves back in. I asked him what did he mean, and he said, "Well, I don't know. I mean, what's it going to be like? And what are we going to tell the kids? Are we going to tell them first or am I just moving in and...SURPRISE! Dad's back home for good!...?"

I had to think for a moment first because it sounded to me like H was assuming that he was moving back in as soon as he returned from Bakersfield! NO WAY! BIG mistake! So I asked him if that's what he thought, and he said YES!

I told him NO...that wasn't going to happen. I'm not sure if I want him back or not...I'm just not...but I am sure that if H came back into the house without me completely wanting that, then yes...that is a HUGE mistake.

I told him that I know he loves me, and I know he means it every time he says it, but I WANT TO SEE IT. I have told him over and over and OVER again that I have to SEE it! Words alone are not enough. I need to see that he means it, and I also told him that it's not going to happen overnight. It's going to take time...a lot of time...for things to be where we BOTH would like them to be whether we're together or not.

I told H that coming over to spend some time with the kids and ME would be a nice, easy start. Then we'll see where it goes from there.

H said ok, that he understood all of this, and that he is going to show me. He said, "I'll show you that I mean it, Valerie, but I want to tell you, too." I said of course.

Sooo....we shall see....Now once again, it's the waiting game ....I'm growing very tired of it. I just hope H really understands that this is it. I cannot and will not do this forever.

Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

I just wanted to get some thoughts out.

It's this job...H's job...How can we "piece"?...How can we try to work on the R if he's still going to be traveling with work?

He's still in Bakersfield. What was only supposed to be 3 days has somehow turned into 3 WEEKS!!! Then he's supposed to go to either Mississippi or Alabama after that.

How can it possibly work? It's like he's still working at his previous job of 3 years.

That's what killed "us" (our R and M). All that time apart. Sure, we had our problems...our issues...but we always got through them...ALWAYS...because H was around then. We were together. Never stopped spending QT with one another. It's when he took on that job with XXXX (ex-boss) that the R really went downhill.

H and I have talked about this, and he's even said it, too. He said he knows that it was the time apart that really messed things up for us.

The job he has now....well, we were talking the other night, and he was telling me about having to go out of state. He also mentioned that a few other employees have worked 100 days straight! I said, "Geez!.....Do any of these guys have families? Are they M'ed?" H laughed a little and said, "You know what? Every single one of them is D'ed...Ha...I wonder why."

(SIGH)....I wonder, too.

If spending time together is so crucial to a R, then how can this work??? How can we work on it to make it what we want it to be if he's never going to be here again???

Anybody have anything to say? I know you're reading. I'll check back later. I'm going to take the kids to see "Doogal" then we're going out for dinner.

Thanks for listening.

[cally]

Val

Glad to see you posting!!

Wow sounds like him seeing that you are dating has made quite an impact. Maybe that is something he needed to see. The fact that you are willing to move on if he can't meet your needs. You have every right to have wants and needs yourself.

What kind of job did he get? Is it one just like he had before? Will he have to travel like this all the time? Anything can work if you work at it. Part of the problem and you can correct me if I'm wrong is that he traveled a lot with the other job...but when he got home he went out all the time and did whjat he wanted and didn't give you anytime at all. Would he be willing to change that behavior?

Maybe a good question to ask him is how would he be willing to change for this marriage to work? That would be a good question to ask him to see if he has been paying attention to what you have been telling him.

[ValerieA]

Hi, cally ! Good to hear from you, and thanks for dropping in!

Wow sounds like him seeing that you are dating has made quite an impact. Maybe that is something he needed to see. The fact that you are willing to move on if he can't meet your needs.

Could be. He was (understandably) very upset with me at first and said he hoped I would find what I was looking for. Then after a few weeks, he changed his tune. H said something was telling him to "fix it" with me before it was too late. Ok, we're not religious people, but H and I do believe in God....he said he felt like God was talking to him....every now and then, he'd see things that would remind him of our times together....songs would play on the radio that made H think of me....he would see families doing family things together and think of us and the boys....H said hearing and seeing all of these "signs" felt like God was telling him to hurry and make it right.

You have every right to have wants and needs yourself.

This is something I frequently struggle with.

Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting to have some fun. I feel like I shouldn't be going out and enjoying the company of others while H is out there busting his a** working.

But at the same time, it feels sooo good to be out with a man....having a nice dinner, catching a flick, spending a few hours in the city....It feels great to be paid attention to once again. It feels awesome to be with someone who makes me laugh and is always smiling.

I never feel bad while I'm on the date. It comes after. That's when I feel guilty because even though I'm S'ed, I am still M'ed.

My family, MIL, and SIL all know that I'm dating. They actually tell me that they don't blame me for wanting to go out and date. They say that I should be able to go out and enjoy myself. I do agree....but I still feel bad about it sometimes.

What kind of job did he get? Is it one just like he had before? Will he have to travel like this all the time?

I'm not sure what his job title is...he never really said (suppose I should ask )...but he works for a company that goes into refineries and flushes out their pipe systems with chemicals. Many different kinds of hazardous chemicals such as chlorine, lye, acids, etc....Not exactly what he wanted in a job, but it's a job.

This company he works for does various jobs across the country, so yes, that means more traveling for weeks at a time.

Anything can work if you work at it.

Are you sure about that? When there's constant traveling and time away from the family involved?

I don't know. I really don't.

He works 12-14 hour shifts and has been working for about 70 days straight now. He's had no time with the kids at all. Prior to these past few weeks, I'd say he spent about an hour or two each week with them. That's just not enough.

And after working all those hours each day, what time and energy would he have left for me? He'd come home, eat, sleep, then get up to go right back to work again.

I wasn't the least bit surprised when he said all the guys who work there are D'ed.

Maybe a good question to ask him is how would he be willing to change for this marriage to work? That would be a good question to ask him to see if he has been paying attention to what you have been telling him.

We've talked about this, and H says he understands that we would have to spend time together again....do all the things we did before and get that spark back. He says he really wants to do this.

But like I said, I don't see how it can happen if he's always working and he's always exhausted because of it.

(SIGH)....There is one last hope though. H still wants to try to get a job with Chevron, and they are hiring again in March. If he could get that job, then I could see us working on the R together again. He wouldn't have to work as much as he is right now, and he'd get a day or two off during the week.

That could work. That would be really good for us.

But not with the job he has now. It's too much like his last one. He's gone all the time again. Of course, I do not say anything to him about his work. I'm very supportive and tell him that I appreciate what he's out there doing for the boys and me. I tell him I know and understand that he's doing what he has to. He's a hard worker, and I've told him that I'm proud of him. I know that means a lot to H....to hear those things....and he thanks me.

Thanks again for the visit, cally, and thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

H called right after my last entry. It was a short convo because he had to get back to work. Anyway, he said he would be back in town either really late tomorrow night or Wednesday early afternoon. Either way, he would definitely be back by Wednesday.

I had some things I wanted to get done before S1 woke up from his nap, so I told H I would talk with him later, but he said, "Wait. I just wanted to ask you something real quick since I don't have a whole lot of time right now either." I said ok, shoot. Then H asked me, "So....are you not going to want me to...or I mean, allow me to move back in when I get back?....Because I want to talk to the kids so badly when I see them and tell them how much I love them and you, and I want to tell them that I'm coming back home and we're going to be a family again....So are you going to allow me back in or are you going to make me prove myself to you?"

I have to admit that irked me quite a bit. We've discussed this many, many times, and I have told H that moving back in right away is a mistake, and I DO NOT want to get the kids' hopes up. It really bothers me because I feel like I'm constantly having to repeat myself to him. I don't know if he just doesn't hear me or if he keeps asking the same things over and over again hoping that my answer will change the next time!

Anyway, I told him, "H, I think having you move back in is a bad move. I know you want to be with the boys and me again. I do know that. But I do not want to make a mistake. I do not want to hurt these kids anymore than they already have been....So yeah, I guess you do have to prove yourself to me because I'm not just going to take your word for it."

H said, "Ok...ok. I totally understand, and I don't blame you....Ok, I gotta go. I'll call you later....ILY." I told him I loved him, too.

I feel a little bad telling him no, but at the same time, I feel that I'm doing the right thing.

Thanks for listening.

[StrongEnough]

Valerie-

Take it from someone who has been in your position. If you aren't sure....hold your ground!! Don't let him push his way back into the house and your lives. I made this mistake. I let H move in right away...against my wishes and it was a foolish thing to do.

You seem to have a very good sense in stepping back to look at the bigger picture. Always use that to your advantage. SO, hang in there. Let H back in on your terms for your sake and for the sake of the kids.

GOod luck and let us know how you are doing!

~SE