Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

H is still in the Bakersfield area. They acquired a couple more jobs while being out there, but when I talked with him a couple of days ago, he said he would probably be back today (Wednesday). Then again, that's what he said last week, too . Oh well. It also looks as if he might be going to Mississippi or Alabama sometime next week for more work....Yep, more traveling.

We've talked on the phone several times since he's been gone....all contact has been initiated by H....although he has expressed to me that he would really like it if I just called him myself. Even if it's for no reason at all. He would just like to check his phone while he's on his break and see that I called him, and he would absolutely love it if I left a message for him telling him that I miss him, can't wait to see him when he returns, and that I love him....I told him I would.

The problem is I can't....I can't say those things. I do not feel that way.

I tried leaving him a VM saying what he wanted to hear, but it felt phony and so uncomfortable. I listened to it before sending it, but I deleted it because it just didn't sound real. It wasn't genuine. It wasn't from the heart.

I do love him, but it's that "dearest friend" kind of love. It's as if I could be the one to say, "ILYBINILWY". During our convo last night, I almost did. The words were right there....ready to just come out....but I didn't let them out. I remember how painful it was to hear it myself when H said it. Why would I do that to him?

Anyway, the reason why I almost uttered those words was because H was pressing me to say ILY. He was talking about how I hadn't been the one to call him first in like FOREVER (I just don't feel like it....I do not have any desire to WANT to talk with him). I told him I was sorry. H said, "Don't tell me you're sorry. I don't want to hear that from you anymore. I just want to hear that you still love me. That's all I want to hear....Tell me you love me, Valerie."

I did tell him, but I know that I didn't mean it the way I knew he wanted me to mean it. Make sense? (SIGH)

H had also brought up the subject about moving back home. I can't remember his exact words, but he said something like so what's going to happen when he moves back in. I asked him what did he mean, and he said, "Well, I don't know. I mean, what's it going to be like? And what are we going to tell the kids? Are we going to tell them first or am I just moving in and...SURPRISE! Dad's back home for good!...?"

I had to think for a moment first because it sounded to me like H was assuming that he was moving back in as soon as he returned from Bakersfield! NO WAY! BIG mistake! So I asked him if that's what he thought, and he said YES!

I told him NO...that wasn't going to happen. I'm not sure if I want him back or not...I'm just not...but I am sure that if H came back into the house without me completely wanting that, then yes...that is a HUGE mistake.

I told him that I know he loves me, and I know he means it every time he says it, but I WANT TO SEE IT. I have told him over and over and OVER again that I have to SEE it! Words alone are not enough. I need to see that he means it, and I also told him that it's not going to happen overnight. It's going to take time...a lot of time...for things to be where we BOTH would like them to be whether we're together or not.

I told H that coming over to spend some time with the kids and ME would be a nice, easy start. Then we'll see where it goes from there.

H said ok, that he understood all of this, and that he is going to show me. He said, "I'll show you that I mean it, Valerie, but I want to tell you, too." I said of course.

Sooo....we shall see....Now once again, it's the waiting game ....I'm growing very tired of it. I just hope H really understands that this is it. I cannot and will not do this forever.

Thanks for listening.