Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Wow...It's kind of hard to believe that it's been a year since I first joined this site.

I remember those dark feelings of despair, devastation, loneliness, and failure...I remember them, but I'm not living them anymore! Don't get me wrong now. There are still plenty of times when I doubt everything including myself, but then I just tell myself, "Hey, life goes on, so live it and enjoy every moment like it's your last," for I am the only one responsible for my own happiness.

Anyway, I talked with H over the phone last night for nearly an hour and a half (can't remember when that happened last). We chatted about a lot of things...it was like we were friends again...like he was really interested in hearing about how things have been going with me, school, and my family. It was very nice.

We did talk about the R, too. All initiated by H, of course. It started out with him wanting to talk about the dates I've gone on. Needless to say, I really didn't want to discuss it with him, but he wouldn't let up. He said he just wanted to know and wasn't going to get upset about anything, so I did. It was a little awkward at first, but the more I talked, the more comfortable I felt in giving him details. H did admit that it was a little hard to take in, but he had to know. After a while, we even cracked a few jokes about my dates...lol...I thought it was great that we were able to find humor in it, and not once did H make me feel guilty or like I was wrong for going out and having some fun....and what I mean by fun (since I know fun means different things to different people) is just going out to lunch, dinner, a movie, the city, or wherever with good company. Nothing more than that. I believe I was very fortunate to have met the kind of gentlemen that I had. I was totally upfront with them from the start about my sitch, and they were perfectly fine with it.

Anyway, I stopped talking about the dates I went on when H seemed to be getting a little jealous...or territorial...can't think of the right word to use to describe it . Possessive??? He said something like, "I wish you would set up another date with this guy so I could walk up and teach him a lesson not to be messing with another man's woman." I just kind of laughed at it and said, "Whatever...It's not happening." H said, "That's right it's not happening....because your man is coming home....I'm going to be there with the kids, and most importantly, I'm going to be there with you. I want to love you like you deserve to be loved, and I know I can do it...I just hope it's not too late."

I wasn't going to say anything, but I know my H, so I knew he was looking for me to say that it wasn't too late. I told him, "There is still a chance, H. I want nothing more than to be a family again and to be loved by you. We didn't just have compatability...We had chemistry as well...for all those years....but I am not going to wait forever. Life is too damn short, and if you're not loving, you're not living."

H said, "You are sooo f***ing awesome, Valerie, and ILY....ILY so much."....Ok, I know it's not romantic, but it's H....it's his way....and I understand him well enough to know that he does truly still love me.

H should return from Bakersfield in the next day or two. The kids can't wait to see him, and I know he feels the same.

Ok, gotta go. S6 has Tae Kwon Do in 30 minutes.

Thanks for listening.