Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

I have a lot on my mind right now....don't know where to begin.

H has been talking the talk again. You know....where he tells me that he still loves me and only me...that I'm the only one he wants...I'm the only one for him....he wants to be a better man, father, husband....he wants to make me feel like his princess again....all that sweet stuff.

H said he never wants to spend another holiday without me....he wants to give me that New Years Day kiss at midnight like he did for the last 12 years....he wants to be at the Super Bowl parties with me like we were before....sitting in the ballpark together rooting for our SF Giants....screaming, laughing, and holding onto each other's hand while riding a rollercoaster at Great America....he wants to have more "inside jokes" to share with me.

He gets me...he gets me everytime with that kind of talk. I want to believe him sooo badly, but I can't. I can a little, but I can't entirely. Does that make any sense? Geez, I feel like my head is spinning.

I told H what I want. I said, "Do you remember when you would come home from one of your many business trips?...you were gone for weeks at a time...and I remember waiting to hear that sound...waiting to hear the turn of your key in the door...then I'd finally hear it...I'd get up and go over to the door to greet you...and you'd walk in...and there I was...so happy to see you and that wonderful smile of yours....do you remember that feeling, H? I do. I miss it....and I want it. I want that feeling again."

H said he knows, and he wants it, too...with me and only me. H said he wants to have that "newness" with me again...that dopamine high...that "in love" feeling we had for so long (even when we argued...I never could stay mad at him for long ...he always knew just what to do to get me to crack a smile ).

When I sit here and think about it, I'm worried that H might be saying it all out of desperation and loneliness...???...He's got a lot to lose should we D, and I know he's feeling lonely. All he does is work all day everyday. He has no free time to do anything with anybody.

I've read some recent posts here on the board that said nothing has really changed after their WAS returned. Things seemed to be great at first when they came back home, but now it's died (or dying) again.

That's what worries me. What if I give H the chance to make things better, he moves back home, then after some time, it begins to go sour again?

There is no such thing as the perfect M...I know this...I know there will be good days as well as bad days...We made it work before...we always got through it somehow...Could we possibly do that again?...I would hate to put my boys through anymore pain...seeing their dad come home which is what they want, but if it doesn't work.....I just couldn't bear to see them hurt like that again.

Trust....I don't know if I can trust him again. I would like to...I would have to for it to work...but I don't know if I can. I took a look at the bank statement for last month a week ago and saw that H shopped at Zumiez...that's where he met OW. He told me a long time ago that she doesn't work there anymore, but it still bothered me to see that he went there. Why does he still have to go to the next town to shop? There isn't anything there that you can't get here in our town.

Ok, I've got all these thoughts and questions running through my head right now, and I can't seem to make any sense out of them , so I'm going to stop for now. Plus the phone is ringing, and I have a feeling it's H. He's working down in Bakersfield for the next day or two.

Thanks for listening.