Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Wow!...It has been quite a while, hasn't it? Sorry if I worried anyone. I just felt that I needed a huge break from everything. The BB, my sitch, everything.

So I'm sure those of you who still remember me are wondering what's going on, yes?...Well...Not a whole lot . I believe I said that I wanted to file for a D in my last post...but I didn't...wait...maybe I should say that I haven't yet.

I was angry, frustrated, and just plain upset with the way things had been going on between H and me. I talked to some of my family members about filing, and they are actually the ones who told me to just wait and do nothing for now. Just wait and give it more time. So I did, and here I am still living in limbo.

It's had its ups and downs. H and I still have our spats with each other, but surprisingly, the vulgar name-calling has stopped. This has to be some kind of record for him...almost 2 months without calling me the "b" or "c" word...but I think it's just because we don't really talk with each other that much. Yes, he still calls me though when he needs someone to vent to, and I listen...but I did tell him once that I don't always want to be that person...the one who he "dumps" his crud on whenever he feels like it. I know that sounds bad, but I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut about how I really feel. If he's not doing for me AT ALL, then why should I ALWAYS be there for him when HE wants? He said he would stop....but he hasn't...and I still listen. Sometimes I find myself tuning him out , but it's the only way I can keep myself from coming down with him.

My schooling is going along just fine...although now I remember why I didn't care for school all that much ! It's been a little hard to really focus on because the kids are always very demanding, but I try to study and do my work for a couple of hours after they are in bed every night.

H doesn't really get to see them anymore. He got a new job...Yea !...but he's on a 90-day probation period where he has to work 12-14 hour shifts 90 days STRAIGHT. UGH ! So yeah...the boys haven't been able to have any time with him over the last month. They miss him, and I know he misses them, too.

Ok...ready for a bit of a shocker? I'm sure many of you will not agree with it, but that's ok.

I've begun dating. Nothing serious though. I've just gone out on some dates and have been fortunate enough to enjoy the company of two very nice gentlemen. Just like me, they're not looking for one-nighters or for anything too serious.

H knows, too. One of his friends happened to see me when I was out with one of those guys, and of course told him. I wasn't trying to keep it a secret either. If I wanted to do that, I wouldn't "date" here in town, you know?

Anyway, he was upset. He was so upset that he told me he didn't even want to talk to me anymore...but then he called me the next day and said that he hoped I would find what I was looking for because I deserve it, and he felt he was getting what he deserved all along. He also told me that when he found out, it felt like a slap in the face (I know the feeling, H)....here he was working...trying to find a better job and making a better living...thinking that once he did that...then everything would be ok...and he could come home...and we would be together again.

That's what he thought. Those were his words. He thought if he got a better job, then he could just come home and EVERYTHING would be fine again.

There is more to life than just work and money. Sooo much more.

What about love? What about spending time with your family? With your WIFE?

Well, he's in Washington right now on a job site. He called me last night just to say "hi" and to see how the kids were doing. He said, "I miss you guys."...He's said that a lot lately...I told him the kids really miss him, too. S6 has been asking when he can go and spend the night with Dad again. He interrupted me abruptly and said, "I miss YOU, Val!...I miss being together!...I'm so f***ing sorry!" Then he said he needed to stop and compose himself because he had to get back to work.

So this is where I am...In limbo-land...and yes, I'm dating...

BUT IT WOULD ALL STOP IF H CAME AROUND.

Thanks for listening.