Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

H didn't get the phone call on Friday. He was pretty bummed out to say the very least, but he did call me later that night to tell me that he did get hired at a local pizza place. Not the ideal job, but it's something, and it helped H feel a little better. As he put it, "Just a small stitch in the wound."

So his plan now is to finish his training course which lasts about another month or so. Then in January, Chevron will be hiring, so he's going to go after that since "Tesoro doesn't want a good man." That's what H said, and I totally agreed with him.

On the R front, nothing has changed still, and I'm finding it more and more difficult to wait around for H.

I want something. I want quality time with someone. I want closeness and feeling love again. I want a R.

I'd like to have it with H, but how long do I have to wait?

I think it's pretty clear that he is not going to be back in the house by the New Year. It's clear to me, that is. I'm sure he knows this, too.

I can't see H meeting my needs and wants when he is so focused on work and money all the time. I really do understand how important those are, but what about the M? What about the R? What about me? There just never seems to be any time for me. That's how I felt everyday for 3 years. Everything and everyone else had his time except for his W.....me.

I know, I know. I probably sound rather selfish right now.

But when is enough really enough?

I want to move on with my life. I want to move on completely and find love again....H and I had an R talk yesterday...it got pretty heated...and I said all of this to him. I had told him I was tired of waiting....so he told me, "Then don't."

Whatever we had in the past that used to work for us just isn't there anymore. We can be kind to one another for some time, but then something will happen to bring out the worst in both of us....Me flying off the handle with my impatience and frustration, and H getting p*ssed and calling me you know what. I also went off on him about his drinking and gambling and depression... ...it was terrible. I'm not proud of it, but I unfortunately let it all out on H. I did say I was sorry, but I felt I needed to tell him how I really feel about the things he is doing and what is going on with him.

Anyway, he called me a few times after that awful argument...apologizing for not being understanding (not realizing that he isn't the only one with problems, frustrations, and feelings) and the name calling again. I didn't say "alright, it's ok" though. I'm tired of saying that when it's not ok.

We talked for a little bit and kept things light. I told him to stop by later to pick up some leftover spaghetti and some chili I made last week. H loves my chili, so he was excited about that.

Sooo....I want to file for a D and move on. I feel it's what I have to do. Like I said, whatever used to work in this M just doesn't work anymore. It hasn't for a long time.

Thanks for listening.