I hadn't heard from H all day, so I decided to call him myself to see how the interview went. He said he would call me back in a few since he was talking to (mf) about it.
After 10 minutes or so, he did. He said it was THE most difficult interview he's ever had. They threw all kinds of questions his way (he was interviewed by 3 different people spending an hour with each one separately). H said he didn't expect such questions so he felt caught offguard and very nervous, but he did answer them all the best he could.
I could tell he had been drinking, too.
He sounded very down and doubtful, but he knew he did his best. H said that if he doesn't get this job, then he feels it's over. I told him it's not over. He said, "It's not?" then let out a little laugh.
I told H that I would let him go. I could tell he was not feeling well, but he said it was ok...he wanted to talk to me. H said, "I miss you guys...I just miss you guys." I told him we missed him, too. Then H said, "I miss you...ILY, and I miss you." I told him the same.
I suggested that he try to relax and watch the football game then get some sleep. He said he would and asked me to give the kids hugs and kisses for him. I told him I would then we said goodbye.
Soooo....we will know by Friday. He's either going to get a call here at the house or he isn't.
I really hope he does. He's worked so very hard for this, and he wants it BAD.
I don't know why, but I feel like everything's hinging on this. If he doesn't get the job, I know it's not the end of the world, but to H...well, I'm afraid he feels like it is.
Alright, the boys are going at each other so I better stop here . Thanks for listening.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Call me dense will ya?! I was reading your post thinking, this sounds so familiar and couldnt remember the background on your sitch, so I clicked your previous thread link. I didnt realize that you are JV! Silly me! I've been missing you and you're right under my nose all the time!
Hang in there. Our H's seem to be living in the same universe, waiting on "the job" and making lots of promises that don't materialize. I can relate so much to how you feel.. the emptiness when they say ILU and remembering how it felt when they wouldnt say that. Just the "it's over" and I don't have it anymore feelings. And I'm also beginning to relate to wanting to be kind and feeling compassion (instead of that hurt and anger) when they are in a bad place. I feel friendship for my H and am guarding my feelings very closely. Do you feel yourself doing that too? Not wanting to share personal things anymore? That is so bizarre for me.
You're doing a great job keeping it all together there and you sound so healthy in this place.. just keeping the door open and moving on with life. You should be proud of how far you've come!
Quote: ...Our H's seem to be living in the same universe, waiting on "the job" and making lots of promises that don't materialize.
Yeah...I've been thinking about this A LOT lately. Knowing how hard and how focused H has been on getting this job, well it just makes a whole lot of sense to me.
How can I expect (yeah, I know that's a no-no ) or hope for H to follow through with his promises right now? He is under so much stress, and getting this job is really all that he is able to focus on. With so much weighing on his mind, I know making me feel the way I want to feel from him is too much to ask for. At least for now.
I think if he gets the job, I just might start seeing what I want to see. Maybe.
If he doesn't, well... ...Let's just say that I won't be holding my breath.
(Sigh)....I don't know....but like I said, I have a strong feeling that this job (getting it or not getting it) is going to be a HUGE factor in what happens with our R.
Again, I know this job isn't everything, and I've even told H that, but he feels that it is. I think he feels like a failure in many ways, and if he doesn't get the position, it's only going to make it worse for him.
Quote: ...I can relate so much to how you feel.. the emptiness when they say ILU and remembering how it felt when they wouldnt say that. Just the "it's over" and I don't have it anymore feelings. And I'm also beginning to relate to wanting to be kind and feeling compassion (instead of that hurt and anger) when they are in a bad place. I feel friendship for my H and am guarding my feelings very closely. Do you feel yourself doing that too? Not wanting to share personal things anymore? That is so bizarre for me.
Same here. It's so very bizarre. I remember LONGING to hear those words from him again..."ILY"...but now, it's not like that anymore. When he says it, I don't get that warm, fuzzy feeling like I used to. Now, well I just know that he cares, and I say it in return because I care, too. It's like saying "ILY" to a family member, a very dear friend, and nothing more. It's not that "in love" feeling.
About sharing personal things....The only time that ever seems to come up is when H wants to flirt with me. In the past, I would flirt back of course, but when he does it now (he even did it over the phone tonight), I won't do it back. I'll just change the subject, and it's forgotten. But I actually have initiated some flirting myself a few times when H is around...if he's in the right mood...if he's acting a little playful. I'll give him a pat on his bottom ! He does it to me much more often though.
Quote: You're doing a great job keeping it all together there and you sound so healthy in this place.. just keeping the door open and moving on with life. You should be proud of how far you've come!
Thank you, Sheila! Really.
I was in a deep, dark place exactly 10 months ago today. The day of the bomb.
Look at me now... ...I am VERY proud of me !
Time to put the kids to bed. Thanks for listening.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
As I was sitting in the sauna at the gym tonight, I was reading an article on addiction in Men's Health and I thought of you. It got me thinking about your H and his card playing. If I'm out of line putting this together I'm sorry, but I wanted to post a part of the article to you. Maybe it explains a little??
"Gambling is a system that relies on one thing--hope. Yours. Gambling works because we've let ourselves want something. We want to win our share of the time, we want the world to be a better place than it is, we want people to stop killing each other, we want fewer liars and cheaters, less scum, better colleagues, cars that don't crash, politicians who aren't cesspools, a better future out there ahead, sort of like we thought things were when we started. When our parents were getting along, and the weather was okay, and our friends were friends, and the ice-cream guy came when we expected him, and the girl we liked--what was her name? Carolyn? Gail? (Valerie?)--called about the math assignment and then giggled when we said we liked her."
Anyway, it just struck me a little bit. Take it for what it's worth. Keep up the progress...
Val...I agree he should say what he feels. But he may be avoiding conflict. If he brings this issue up and it is one you have made him feel like crap about or one where he knows you are negative about then he chages it to avoid conflict maybe.
It also could be he has a lot on his mind with being out of work. He sounds like he has a lot of skills so he shouldn't be hanging on to just one job and thinking it's the end if he don't get it. He may be very unable to meet your needs right now because he is out of a job and has the stress of carrying the whole family being a one oncome family. So he is probably very stretched right now as far as his stress level.
He seems like a real worrier about money. If anything it may help him out if he see's you are trying to be frugal right now and try to cut out the unneccesary. I know you have a great nest egg. But he sounds like a worry wart to see it dwindling down and nothing to replenish it. Probably a great act of service for him right now is at least ask if he would like you to find something part time while he is out of work. Tell him he could come there and watch the kiddos there while you worked. Just an idea.
How is he around the holidays? Does he not try to intiate you guys spending any time together as a family?
I talked with H about 20 minutes ago (he called my cell), and he told me that another guy in the training class (who also made it to the interview stage) received a call from the refinery just before 3pm. That guy was offered a position.
I'm guessing that if nothing comes in by 5pm, then H didn't get in.
I really feel for him.
Thanks for listening.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
H didn't get the phone call on Friday. He was pretty bummed out to say the very least, but he did call me later that night to tell me that he did get hired at a local pizza place. Not the ideal job, but it's something, and it helped H feel a little better. As he put it, "Just a small stitch in the wound."
So his plan now is to finish his training course which lasts about another month or so. Then in January, Chevron will be hiring, so he's going to go after that since "Tesoro doesn't want a good man." That's what H said, and I totally agreed with him.
On the R front, nothing has changed still, and I'm finding it more and more difficult to wait around for H.
I want something. I want quality time with someone. I want closeness and feeling love again. I want a R.
I'd like to have it with H, but how long do I have to wait?
I think it's pretty clear that he is not going to be back in the house by the New Year. It's clear to me, that is. I'm sure he knows this, too.
I can't see H meeting my needs and wants when he is so focused on work and money all the time. I really do understand how important those are, but what about the M? What about the R? What about me? There just never seems to be any time for me. That's how I felt everyday for 3 years. Everything and everyone else had his time except for his W.....me.
I know, I know. I probably sound rather selfish right now.
But when is enough really enough?
I want to move on with my life. I want to move on completely and find love again....H and I had an R talk yesterday...it got pretty heated...and I said all of this to him. I had told him I was tired of waiting....so he told me, "Then don't."
Whatever we had in the past that used to work for us just isn't there anymore. We can be kind to one another for some time, but then something will happen to bring out the worst in both of us....Me flying off the handle with my impatience and frustration, and H getting p*ssed and calling me you know what. I also went off on him about his drinking and gambling and depression... ...it was terrible. I'm not proud of it, but I unfortunately let it all out on H. I did say I was sorry, but I felt I needed to tell him how I really feel about the things he is doing and what is going on with him.
Anyway, he called me a few times after that awful argument...apologizing for not being understanding (not realizing that he isn't the only one with problems, frustrations, and feelings) and the name calling again. I didn't say "alright, it's ok" though. I'm tired of saying that when it's not ok.
We talked for a little bit and kept things light. I told him to stop by later to pick up some leftover spaghetti and some chili I made last week. H loves my chili, so he was excited about that.
Sooo....I want to file for a D and move on. I feel it's what I have to do. Like I said, whatever used to work in this M just doesn't work anymore. It hasn't for a long time.
Thanks for listening.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Quote: Sooo....I want to file for a D and move on. I feel it's what I have to do. Like I said, whatever used to work in this M just doesn't work anymore. It hasn't for a long time.
Valerie,
It's been almost a week since the above statement. What's been going on with you? I know that the decision you have come to is a long and well thought out one. I 've been following you since...well, for a long time. We've both been living vicariously through all of our BBS "colleagues".
I don't want to appear to be prodding you one way or another but, I'm curious... Do you still feel the way you did on Monday when you posted? Are you ready to take that big step? While Divorce is probably one of the most negative and destructive things we can do to ourselves (or have done to us for that matter), in some cases it can also have positives (there I said it!). One thing is that if you go through with this you must be prepared to basically wipe the slate clean in a lot of ways and start over. This will be tough but at least you will begin living on your terms.
I think it's Valerie's time now and I don't think that's being selfish. Please keep us all posted on what's going on. 6 days away starts me worrying. As you know, I've got nothing better to do .
Valerie, you've put up with a lot and you've "stayed the course" (Reagan) for a very long time. There's no shame in making a decision to "stop the insanity" (Susan Powter). I just think it's time to do what's best for you and that may be a new life without him.
"That's just my opinion, I could be wrong" (Dennis Miller)
Was wondering how you are doing? If you get a chance post and let us know you are okay. I know you had that date of the New Years and hubby thinking of moving back in.
. Thanks for listening. 
! He does it to me much more often though.
!
He may be very unable to meet your needs right now because he is out of a job and has the stress of carrying the whole family being a one oncome family. So he is probably very stretched right now as far as his stress level.
