Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

H came by this morning (after my previous post) to get his mail and to take a look at some branches that need trimming in the front and back yards.

When he got here, H said, "Look...I'm not trying to start a fight or anything, but I just went to pay the credit card bill, and there's nearly $400 that you charged up in the last month....I'm not made of money, Valerie. I'm without a job, and I know I have to support you and the kids, and if you're spending $400 on groceries every month...well, I just can't do it. The money's just gonna to keep going down."

I told H that I appreciated him talking calmly about this with me, and I could understand his concern. Then I pointed out to him that the $400 isn't just groceries like he was making it out to be. It's more than just that....it's gas (at least $50 every week or week and a half to fill up that gas hog he wanted and doesn't want to sell, diapers, milk (the boys go through 2 or 3 gallons every week), cleaning supplies for the month (detergents, cleansers, etc), and whatever else comes up that we absolutely need. I always look in the ads to see where I can get the best deals for everything, so if that means I have to go to 3 different stores then I will. Plus, he forgot about the boys' costumes for Halloween -- $65 right there for the two costumes S9 and S6 had to have....I suggested at the time that they wear the ones from last year since they still fit, but they didn't want to, so H said go ahead and get them what they wanted.

After all that, H said ok then was choking on tears. He said, "I'm trying, Val. I'm really trying to get a job, but no one's interested. I've even gone to apply at pizza places. I feel like if I don't get this job with Tesoro (refinery) then I'm done. What good am I? I might as well just give you everything...every cent...and walk off a bridge...I'm trying....I'm trying so hard."

I told him I KNOW he's trying. I do not doubt that he is, and I'm sorry he's having such a difficult time. Then he sat down and started going through his mail.

After a few moments, he told me he would be back after his class to trim the branches if it wasn't too dark by then. I said thanks and that it was fine if he couldn't. Then he came up to me, gave me a hug, and wouldn't let go for a long time. He started crying and said that he was so sorry for everything...for always being so negative...for messing up both our lives and what we had.

I told him he didn't mess it up...we BOTH did...what's happened has happened, and we can't change it...we can't wish it away...but we CAN move forward and get past it. We CAN make today better for tomorrow.

We stood there in the kitchen hugging each other for what seemed like forever , then he gave me a kiss on my forehead, grabbed something to eat from the fridge, and gave me another kiss goodbye on my cheek.

Ok...he's here now. Thanks for listening.