Please don't think that I'm upset or angry about anything you've said. I'm NOT.
I just don't know how else or what else I could say to tell you that I am aware of H's feelings, thoughts, concerns about me going back to work. I've been aware of them for a LONG time. This is part of what has motivated me to finish my schooling...because I KNOW that this is THAT important to H...not necessarily getting my diploma but getting a job that pays well. With an incomplete education and only department store experience, what kind of well-paying job could I get? I don't think there is one. I know it, and H knows it.
He says he's happy and proud that I'm doing this...working on getting my diploma then doing another online program to earn my degree. He's been very supportive of this, and yes, he understands that it will be another few years until I am able to work. H said that he is more than fine with that.
But then again, he could just be SAYING that like he SAYS everything else. He says one thing, but he could feel differently. He says things...and he's very convincing all the time...but what if he does feel differently? Is it up to me to try and figure it out? When he should learn to say what he really thinks? Do you think it's right for him, or anyone for that matter, to just "keep the peace" and keep their true feelings and thoughts to themselves? Instead of discussing it openly and freely with their partner?
That's what scares me the most....that H wants to work it out and stay together for the kids....while on the inside, he will still be unhappy living here....that he'll wake up in the middle of the night staring at the ceiling while thinking once again, "I do not want to be here anymore."
He's said numerous times that he would come back and just keep his mouth shut for the rest of his life.
I don't want to live like that. I don't want to live with neverending doubt.
Thanks for listening.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
