Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Hey there, Pink.

You could be right....about H's feelings of unworthiness stemming from his gambling and the guilt associated with it.

I also think it has to do with some history my mom gave to H a long time ago about me. In case you're not familiar with my entire sitch, my mom told H some things about me from when I was an infant/toddler, and it was such a remarkable thing that Stanford wanted to study me. My mom was all for it, but my father said no. He didn't want me to become their 'guinea pig'.

Anyway, I never knew any of this until H told me a few years back. He was telling me that my mom told him years ago about it (when we only had S9). She was going on and on about how I could have been something great, something big, and that's what she would've liked to see happen, but since it didn't, all she wanted to see was for me to be happy. She told H, "Val's very special, and she deserves everything. She deserves to be very happy."

So after hearing this, I can only imagine how it made him feel. He probably felt that he robbed me of my potential greatness in life when I became pregnant with S9...he probably feels that he is the reason I didn't become something outstanding.

I don't feel that way. Not at all. I made my choices in my life. NOT H. I got pregnant (with his help of course ), and I chose to be a mom. He was against it...VERY against it...but after a couple of weeks of being apart, he came back....said he wanted to do the right thing, and the rest is history.

Back to the gambling.....yes, my H is stressed out, too. All the time. Right now, it's because he isn't working. He feels useless and worthless without a job. So to make up for the income that's not coming in, he's playing poker. He feels the need to make money somehow, so why not do it with poker? When you're winning and making money, it's great, right? It's a high for them. Then when the losing streak comes along, he's even more stressed about money, and he just HAS to get it back. It's a vicious cycle.

I do feel that maybe H needs to hit rock bottom to really get it....to really see that he has a serious problem....but I hope to God that does not happen. There is well over $100K in the bank, and if it was gone due to his gambling, geeeeeeezzzz....I don't even want to think about it. It is a very scary thought especially when the accounts are in his name only. It's just always been that way because this is how it works for us.

My thoughts are that you are expecting too much from H at the moment.

Yes, you're right. I admitted that in my previous post. I've heard the talk for far too long, and I've reached a point where I want to see ACTION. I am sick and tired of just getting WORDS and nothing more.

What I did was completely let go. Didn't phone him, left the phonecalls to him, Didn't make conversation with him, let him take the lead, Didn't invite him anywhere, just totally detached.

This is me now. EXACTLY what I am doing. Been doing it for quite some time, too. When I invited him to come with the boys and me for dinner on Thursday, that was the first time I had done it in several months. I took a chance, and it didn't happen.

I've been detached for a while. I can't even say "ILY" anymore. Not even when he says it.

If H did the things I'm asking for, I don't even know if I could feel love for him again. I don't know if I would choose to. Many times, I feel that it's too late, and other times, something tells me wait just a little longer. Give him a chance. Another one. Then I just want to say 'no way'. I want to move on without him. I want to file and be done because I feel like I'm wasting my time waiting for him to come around one day. When will that day be? Next week? Next month? Next year? Or how about never?

This is very hard. Without a doubt.

Do you think your H could be depressed?

Oh, I'm sure of it. He won't go to a doctor though. He won't get any help. H agreeing to go to a MC was by far the biggest step he's ever made towards any kind of help...but again...has it happened? Nope.