Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Hello again.

Why do you think he doesn't come out with you as a family? Do you think he feels bad about himself and feels that he doesn't deserve you?

I don't think it....I KNOW it. H has said these exact words MANY, MANY times, and I've told him just as many times that he shouldn't feel that way. I don't feel that way about myself...that I'm above the rest or he's out of his league. NO WAY. NEVER....but HE feels this way, and I don't know why....he really shouldn't.

What would you like him to do to show you that he cares? What would prove it to you?

I feel like I've said it a million times.

I would LOVE for him to do something with me...ANYTHING!...just as long as we're doing it together and enjoying it.

Take me out to dinner and a movie....a day at the beach....a trip to the snow....going to an amusement park....shoot a game of pool....hang around Pier 39 for the day....ANYTHING besides poker. It seems that's all he ever wants to do together whether it's going to Reno or a nearby card room. It's ok sometimes, but I don't enjoy doing just that every chance I have away from the kids.

Now, in the intimacy department....is it too much to ask for some romance? SOME kind of gentle tenderness? I want to feel a certain special way to him...he used to make me feel that way all the time...but not anymore.....anyway, I can wait on this stuff, but the other things I can't.

I'm just tired of hearing, "I want to do this for you, Valerie," and NOT SEEING IT.

Although I am disappointed with the way he's doing things...or NOT doing things...I am not hostile towards him at all. When he's around or if he calls, I'm very friendly with H. I chit-chat with him and ask how things are going for him with his class. I even ask him how poker's going .

There are times when we get into it still, but I am NOT mean and nasty to him. It's usually the other way around.

.....(Sigh).....

All I see is H talking the talk but NOT walking the walk.

I guess I have come to a point where I feel that he SHOULD do what he says he wants to do. He's been saying it for what seems like forever now, so why hasn't he done anything about it?

I'm not counting on him to make me happy anymore. Yeah, I used to, but no more. I know that I can't. I'm working on getting MY life together for my children and me. My schooling is going along very well (lots of reading and writing that has to wait until the kids are asleep for the night ), and I'm out GAL with and without the boys. If I'm with them, we go do things together...go to the park, visit others, etc, etc. When it's just me, I pamper myself....window-shopping, manicure, pedicure, getting my favorite treat (ice cream ), or hanging out with some of my girlfriends.

H is curious. He has been for a while now....but I suppose not enough to push him into doing something about it to find out more.

I am happy. I could be happier if he was speaking my LLs (QT and PT), but he's not. I think all the information I've given him about what he could do to "win" me back has been ample and very clear.

I'm speaking his LLs...WOA and AOS. Even PT when the timing's right....but I still get nothing in return....at least not the way I would like it to be. H does AOS for me, so I know he's showing me he cares, but it's not the way I feel loved.

My point is this (and I know it's been a long time coming) Could your H be sensing your anger, suspicion and resentment? Could home feel unwelcoming and hostile? It's just a thought. But if what you are doing is not working, why not try something completely different?

H has probably sensed my disappointment. In fact, I am sure of it. The last time when MC was brought up and I asked if he made the appt yet, he said no, then I kind of lowered and nodded my head and said "ok"....a disappointed "ok".

I'm sorry but what can I do? It's hard not to feel let down when your spouse tells you they want this M to last and they will do whatever it takes to make that happen....but they still do nothing to change it.

Yes, it's frustrating....SO VERY MUCH....and I have accepted the fact that H might never do it my way again. Maybe he wasn't happy doing it that way at all, but that's what I would like, and if this is going to be missing in the R, then I don't feel it's one I should be in because it's only going to get worse. The anger, resentment, frustration...you name it...on both sides...will only fester and grow.

Thanks for listening.