Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Another opportunity for H to do something with me...and the kids...this evening.

Another opportunity that was ignored...actually, I should say declined.

I took a chance on asking HIM if he'd like to do something together, but he said, "No thanks. I want to go play in this tournament tonight."

.......... .........

I had S9's and S6's parent/teacher conferences today, and as a reward for their outstanding report cards , I told the boys I would take them out to their favorite restaurant.

I decided that I would call H and invite him along.

I wish I hadn't.

.....(SIGH).....

So let's see now.....

We had the R talk (where H said he wanted to do whatever it was going to take to be together again) nearly 6 weeks ago...and he wants to be back in the house with us by the 1st.

Yet...nothing's happened. H has done NOTHING.

No MC, no dating me..........nothing.

Why am I even still here? What am I trying for? What am I waiting for?

He knows what he needs to do, but he chooses not to.

So what am I to do? Just accept that this is the way he is? Just live with it?

I think not.

Thanks for listening.

[kml]

This is not about you, honey. He's a gambling addict.

Ellie

[caverna]

Ugh... I'm on the same boat. I have asked H to ask ME out. I feel the same way. I'm waiting.

But, you know what? The more you do of something, the less the other person does.

And in "getting through the men you love," Michele says that men hate so much being told what to do, that sometimes they will do the complete opposite even if it's against what they want to do, just to make their point.

[ValerieA]

I know, Ellie. I know.

He's obviously not going to stop on his own...I think we all know that...I've known it forever...so I really hope he gets the refinery tech position. To me, that seems to be the only thing that will keep him from going to the card room as much as he does. He would be too busy and too tired with working 12+ hour shifts.

I really want what's best for my boys, and I know they want Dad back home, but I just can't see it happening....at least not by the New Year like H wants.


caverna, I hear what you're saying. I haven't been badgering H with what I'd like for him to do. I haven't nagged or complained to him about it at all. I've simply told him....explained it to him....a few times over the last 4 months...and even long before that.

It's not me....it's him.

I've given H the map...complete with directions and all...but for some reason, he doesn't understand it.

Alright, time to get the kids ready for bed. Have a good night, everyone, and thanks for listening.

[pink]

But, you know what? The more you do of something, the less the other person does.

You know what? I have noticed this with my H too. It is not only with me but with everyone. It's almost like he enjoys the chase and when he gets to a comfortable place with someone, or a place where he feels confident they are his friend he loosing interest with them. (and me LOL)

I wonder if it would help you Val to do a 180 and go to some fun places with the children and NOT invite him. Make sureyou all chat about it when he is around...so that he feels left out. I would also get him to babysit and go out on your own, do something mysterious to get him thinking.

It never fails to work on my H.

Good Luck

Pink

[dodgermf]

Valerie,

I'm writing to let you know that I'm still following your situation closely. I read (and feel) everything you write. I just feel that for now I need to keep my feelings on the subject to myself. I do wish you nothing but the best and know that I AM ALWAYS, UNEQUIVOCALLY IN YOUR CORNER.

All the best, DMF

[ValerieA]

Hi, Pink.

I wonder if it would help you Val to do a 180 and go to some fun places with the children and NOT invite him. Make sureyou all chat about it when he is around...so that he feels left out. I would also get him to babysit and go out on your own, do something mysterious to get him thinking.

Been there, done that. In fact, I'm still doing this. I was even doing it before he moved out, and I stopped inviting him along when my invitations were rejected.

When he comes by, the kids always tell him about whatever we did (our day at the park, going to visit family/friends, eating out, renting movies together -- these are all things we used to do as a family...these are all things H has said that he misses very much), and after hearing them talk about it, I can SEE that he DOES miss this. H gets very teary-eyed and choked up.

You know....it wouldn't surprise me if he actually waited until the last few days before his deadline to start coming around. H IS a procrastinator...he always has been...so when the pressure's really on, well....I can just almost sense it. I could be wrong although I don't feel that I am.

I have a strong feeling he's going to come to me at the last minute so to speak and say something like, "Valerie, I'm really sorry about everything...blah blah blah...I want us to be together...I want us to be a family....blah blah blah...I still love you....blah blah blah...."

Words....just words.

They're not enough. They are just NOT ENOUGH.


D, ((((((( thanks ))))))).

Thanks for always being there and listening. Everyone .

[pink]

Hi Val.

Why do you think he doesn't come out with you as a family? Do you think he feels bad about himself and feels that he doesn't deserve you?

What would you like him to do to show you that he cares? What would prove it to you?

I remember pushing and pushing my H away till he was living in a flat a couple of miles away; we were barely on speaking terms, I threw out all of his photo's cause I couldn't bear to look at him....things were that bad. When I had finally erased every speck of him from my home and from my heart...the empty feeling that I had inside was still there. I started thinking he's gone, thats what I wanted why aren't I happy?

In the end it dawned on me that expecting my H to make me happy was pretty unrealistic so I decided to become happy. To do things that made me smile and stuff him. i decided not to worry about him anymore. Him and his behaviour would no longer effect me. He noticed the differnce in me almost immediatly!! He became curious, I suppose I became nicer to be around...His new found interest gave me confidence and i started to tell him what I wanted. Or I should say what i didn't want. No inapropriate comments, trying to kiss me etc etc. You know what I am talking about.. this made him more curious and drew him in more.

To cut a very long and boring story short. We are now getting closer. It's not without it's hicups. last week was a nightmare, as I started to feel very vulnerable in the R but I am getting there with lots of great help and support from DB board.

My point is this (and I know it's been a long time coming) Could your H be sensing your anger, suspicion and resentment? Could home feel unwelcoming and hostile? It's just a thought. But if what you are doing is not working, why not try something completely different?

I know it's hard. I've been there, still am now on and off...

Will be back later hopefully.

take care Pink

[ValerieA]

Hello again.

Why do you think he doesn't come out with you as a family? Do you think he feels bad about himself and feels that he doesn't deserve you?

I don't think it....I KNOW it. H has said these exact words MANY, MANY times, and I've told him just as many times that he shouldn't feel that way. I don't feel that way about myself...that I'm above the rest or he's out of his league. NO WAY. NEVER....but HE feels this way, and I don't know why....he really shouldn't.

What would you like him to do to show you that he cares? What would prove it to you?

I feel like I've said it a million times.

I would LOVE for him to do something with me...ANYTHING!...just as long as we're doing it together and enjoying it.

Take me out to dinner and a movie....a day at the beach....a trip to the snow....going to an amusement park....shoot a game of pool....hang around Pier 39 for the day....ANYTHING besides poker. It seems that's all he ever wants to do together whether it's going to Reno or a nearby card room. It's ok sometimes, but I don't enjoy doing just that every chance I have away from the kids.

Now, in the intimacy department....is it too much to ask for some romance? SOME kind of gentle tenderness? I want to feel a certain special way to him...he used to make me feel that way all the time...but not anymore.....anyway, I can wait on this stuff, but the other things I can't.

I'm just tired of hearing, "I want to do this for you, Valerie," and NOT SEEING IT.

Although I am disappointed with the way he's doing things...or NOT doing things...I am not hostile towards him at all. When he's around or if he calls, I'm very friendly with H. I chit-chat with him and ask how things are going for him with his class. I even ask him how poker's going .

There are times when we get into it still, but I am NOT mean and nasty to him. It's usually the other way around.

.....(Sigh).....

All I see is H talking the talk but NOT walking the walk.

I guess I have come to a point where I feel that he SHOULD do what he says he wants to do. He's been saying it for what seems like forever now, so why hasn't he done anything about it?

I'm not counting on him to make me happy anymore. Yeah, I used to, but no more. I know that I can't. I'm working on getting MY life together for my children and me. My schooling is going along very well (lots of reading and writing that has to wait until the kids are asleep for the night ), and I'm out GAL with and without the boys. If I'm with them, we go do things together...go to the park, visit others, etc, etc. When it's just me, I pamper myself....window-shopping, manicure, pedicure, getting my favorite treat (ice cream ), or hanging out with some of my girlfriends.

H is curious. He has been for a while now....but I suppose not enough to push him into doing something about it to find out more.

I am happy. I could be happier if he was speaking my LLs (QT and PT), but he's not. I think all the information I've given him about what he could do to "win" me back has been ample and very clear.

I'm speaking his LLs...WOA and AOS. Even PT when the timing's right....but I still get nothing in return....at least not the way I would like it to be. H does AOS for me, so I know he's showing me he cares, but it's not the way I feel loved.

My point is this (and I know it's been a long time coming) Could your H be sensing your anger, suspicion and resentment? Could home feel unwelcoming and hostile? It's just a thought. But if what you are doing is not working, why not try something completely different?

H has probably sensed my disappointment. In fact, I am sure of it. The last time when MC was brought up and I asked if he made the appt yet, he said no, then I kind of lowered and nodded my head and said "ok"....a disappointed "ok".

I'm sorry but what can I do? It's hard not to feel let down when your spouse tells you they want this M to last and they will do whatever it takes to make that happen....but they still do nothing to change it.

Yes, it's frustrating....SO VERY MUCH....and I have accepted the fact that H might never do it my way again. Maybe he wasn't happy doing it that way at all, but that's what I would like, and if this is going to be missing in the R, then I don't feel it's one I should be in because it's only going to get worse. The anger, resentment, frustration...you name it...on both sides...will only fester and grow.

Thanks for listening.

[SweetRedd]

Valerie,

I don't have any advice as I'm in the same sitch with my H.. talks the talk but won't walk the walk, even when given info on exactly what it'll take to turn things around for us. So, hang in there and believe in yourself. Pink has given good advice about making yourself happy. I'm working on that myself. I know I can't have a R with my H the way he's acting at the moment, but I still long to have my needs met. He's wearing himself out doing a lot of things, but not the things that will make our R stronger. Lots of promises and saying he's trying and things will be better in the future. No dates, no intimacy, etc. I wish I knew the answer as to why they dont get it, but they just don't! So frustrating!

I think all the information I've given him about what he could do to "win" me back has been ample and very clear. A big hug to you for opening your heart and telling your H exactly what he needs to be doing. I know how hard that is and then to feel like they don't care and that you've put all the effort in with no results. I also know how hard it is to be strong and how easy it is to doubt yourself when they are saying the right things and we want to believe them.

It is very very hard to live with someone who's in denial. I'm glad you're not letting your H drag you into that hole with him!

Sheila