Not a great interaction between us either. I'm sure it was my fault, too. After finding out about how he was out gambling this weekend instead of even thinking about doing something with me, I was in a bit of a sour mood. I wasn't nasty to him, but I wasn't upbeat either.
He was fooling around and trying to make me laugh...tickling my feet, legs, sides. At first it was ok, and it was tickling me, but when he got to my sides, it was a painful tickle. H has never been "gentle" when tickling. He literally digs into your sides with his fingers HARD...and it HURTS.
After he finally stopped when I told him for the 10th time that he was hurting me, he continued trying to be playful by groping me when the kids weren't looking... ...It was angering me so I said, "Yeah, that's really romantic, H." H said as if he was trying to keep things light, "Yeah, I'm taking this course in how to be romantic. It's called 'Living in He** for the last 2 months'." I didn't say a word.
After a few moments, he came to me in the kitchen and said he was sorry. He was just trying to have some fun. Then I said something I probably should have kept to myself. I told him, "You know...your deadline of wanting to move back home is coming up in 6 weeks, and I'm nowhere near wanting you back in here." H said, "Well, maybe you'll never want me back period....Maybe my way of being romantic isn't the same as yours." I said, "That's not true...because you used to do it "my way" all the time."
The convo stopped there...then he went to say goodbye and good night to the kids before he left.
BTW, H reeked of smoke . He's always been an occasional smoker. If he wants to do that, fine. It's his life, but I don't appreciate him smelling like that around the kids, and since he did have them all day today, I know they had to have been around him when he did it .
....(Sigh)....
Thanks for listening.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Only 3 out of 150 were able to get in, and he did it!
I am SO happy for him ! He really wanted this...SOOOO bad...and he got it!
His interview is on the 28th, so he's got a lot of cramming to do because they are going to grill him with all sorts of questions, but I have every bit of confidence in him to do this . He just needs to have more of it in himself.
Just wanted to share this bit of WONDERFUL information with you all!
Thanks for listening.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
There's nothing I can do anymore. H knows what I want from him, so the ball is completely in his court.
First off, I promise to be nice. In fact I'm going to rip on myself this time. My only question to you is are you 100% certain that he knows? The reason I ask is, in part, following a really long conversation that I had with a mutual friend of WAW and mine today. WAW "thinks" and thought that I knew what she wanted and what she needed. This friend was amazed to hear that I did not. She ask over and over, how could I not know? Well perhaps I'm just the biggest block head on this earth - although something tells me your H still trumps me in this department. Oh sure, it is all clear and in focus now. And I'm telling you I take a great deal of responsbility for not knowing, but WAW did not start with a begninners mind, she did not ask for what she needed and if she did she did not monitor results and try something different. That is not her fault either - she just didn't know. Something just keeps telling me that you need to draw your H a neon sign road map or he is not going to get it. I understand and agree you can't do this forever but at least for now, that may be what he needs. Many of us guys, myself very much included, just simply DO NOT GET IT! We are trainable though.
So please error on the side of caution. Make it so clear to him that a second grader would understand what you want and need. Do not assume ANYTHING!
Hang in there and keep up the great DBing.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I was a bigger blockhead than your H thus * make the sign bright * use a padded stick to keep him on the path. Use a 2X4 if the stick does not work. Best Wishes. Glad your H got the interview.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Just read through your situation and am in a very similar one myself!! My thoughts as I read was that this guy just doesn't know what you want. You need to be very specific!! I am in the same boat with my H I have been married for 14 years...he still doesn't get me!! I am *so* not that complicated either.
My H also gambles...He says he doesn't anymore but I really do not believe him. He may not be...but he will in the future thats for sure. They just can't seem to help it. All I can say to this is try to separate your finaces. We have always had separate bank accounts, but even then it's annoying that he never has money to take me out!!
What I have started to do is to be very specific with my H. Nipping unacceptable things in the bud. I even gave him a list of rules like a 5 year old!! He really appreciated it..(seriously!!) It was only a small list of things that REALLY annoy me LOL.
We don't live together at the moment. But I am trying to work on myself so that I can be more open to accepting him back. Doing more things that make me a happier person instead of someone who is angry and resentful!!
Good luck. Good to read about someone in a similar situation.
Val...............Hmmmm why not call his bluff. I mean totally distance yourself. It seems to me he still thinks he can do as he pleases. Like come over and watch movies. Or run around tickling you or groping you. That says to me he very much hasn't seen he may lose you. If you were home alone last weekend why not go out with your friends. Be very very unavailable to him at all. Let him sit and wonder for once what you are doing or who you are with. Let him sit and stew thinking maybe there is a chance you are dating and that someone else may swoop you off your feet.
I don't know. He talks like he wnats this marriage but his actions speak loud and clear. Maybe go through with that lawyer and at least get a legal separation filed. You need to do something to do a 180 completely and give him a jolt. At least file to protect yourself. As it is now he could walk away with every penny you have and there would be nothing you could do. Believe me I know a girl in the same situation like you where her husband controlled all the money. The only hope she had is that she had a part time job so she had some income at least. Also their children were grown. It seem he is epnding an awful lot of money. I think you need to consider to he may be dating and spending extra time and money doing that right now also. You always seem to be so sure that he is not doing that. But someone is getting all that time of his. And that phone call just still sticks out to me. That is not a slip of the tongue to say the exact woman's name on YOUR answering machine. He also sounds like a high drive guy who is living single with no worries and lots of free nights. Is it possible hi senergies are just tied up right now on someone else? It is kind of hard to have the energy to wine and dine two people?
How can I not be certain that he knows?! I've gone into GREAT detail with him MANY times...and I know that many men just don't get it. I've been told this before by a couple of other posters months ago.
I flat out told H that there will be NO reconciliation if MC doesn't happen...I ASKED him if he understood, and he said YES. I told him I WAS SERIOUS, and he said HE KNEW. He said, "I know, I hear you. I WILL call and make the appt."
Has it happened??? NO...and that was over a month ago. Are you telling me that it takes at least a month to get an appt with a MC?! Oh, and that the Cs will never return anyone's phone calls?! Even if you said you called 2 or 3 times?! I'm sorry but that is just ridiculous.
I've also told him VERY specifically what I would like for him to do to make me feel special to him again. I've told him to stop the groping (even before the other day's incident). I've told him to take me out to dinner, to a movie, let's go for a stroll on the beach, let's go to the city like we used to and just hang around Pier 39 for awhile...browse through the novelty shops, etc...and in the ML department, I told him "dirty talk" doesn't do it for me. I told him I did that stuff for him because I wanted to make him happy...I wanted to please him because I know it does...but what about me? I get pleasure out of pleasing him, but every now and then I would appreciate some tenderness. I would absolutely LOVE it.
Has any of this happened??? NO!
It's like it's in one ear and out the other. He tells me he knows and understands yet he does NOTHING.
My guess is that he probably feels like I'm nagging or complaining about the way he does things, and I'M NOT (I talk to him VERY CALMLY and GENTLY)...and what happens when a guy feels like that? Don't they just ignore it after awhile? Let it go? Until what? Yeah...until it's too late.
What more can I possibly do?
He could very easily arrange for his mom, his sister, or my parents to watch the kids so he could do something with me, but he doesn't.
I'm not just sitting around the house either. I have been going out with some friends and GAL. Even by myself, too, and with the boys. I don't call H or make any kind of contact with him...he initiates it all...so I guess you could say that I'm in LRT...been here for awhile now.
I'm tired of the waiting. I've been waiting for YEARS.
Oh, and BTW, S9 told me yesterday that H talked to him on Sunday and said that he wanted to talk to the boys and me together about moving back in... ...WHY bring the kids into a discussion that right now should only be between H and me??!! Why get their hopes up like that?! He hasn't proven anything to me as far as the R goes. I am NOT letting him back in here just because HE wants in.
HE HAS TO EARN IT, AND HE HASN'T.
Thanks for listening.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
...It was angering me so I said, "Yeah, that's really romantic, H." H said as if he was trying to keep things light, "Yeah, I'm taking this course in how to be romantic. It's called 'Living in He** for the last 2 months'." I didn't say a word.
! He really wanted this...SOOOO bad...and he got it! 
